ok. i'm in cj's office waiting my time out to bathe change and head to zouk tonight. it's probably gonna be like a mass orgy but who cares, i've had enough of work, and people i haven't seen in years are going. people like d ho, peiyi and harold! haha. it's the au's birthday. and i'm gonna inch my way through their wallets to make sure i get my free entry coz i'm broke, and hey, i just turned 20 3 days ago. i deserve it. but of course, there's C of RCK who's gonna be there and others. yaay. and max too. haha. dick fest.
anyway, i just finished cartridge live firing today. i think my lungs are filled with sand and dust. coz after each firing at the bunker, me, the conducting officer, had to brave the sand storm surging within and enter the bunker, and with each breath i took, a healthy dosage of sand happily etched its way into the teeny weeny microvilli and alveoli of my perfectly healthy lungs. not that it's not destroyed and black because of alcohol. wait, that's my liver. fine.
and i'm DO tmr! i hope i don't stumble into camp dead drunk and end up sleeping at the central staircase, next to the fish pond and letting S1 wait for me to take over duty from her. haha. and there's OPS HITCH MOK on friday at Cafe Del Mar. It's like a junior officers thing to help eric mok find the love of his life, with the help of the two captains, a full lietenant and me! haha.
eric mok's reply to OPS HITCH MOK was hilarious. it's gonna be army speak, so those who don't understand, please bear with it. his exact words were "how come there's no AOP? coz there's no live firing. heehee". this coming from a 28 year old lieutenant. time to grow up friend.
and it's comms parade next week! gotta go get my number one ready, put on a very big smile and go sit at their tables and be hosts. haha. at least there's a SOM from EOD. haha. and i get to meet up with friends once again back at safti!
last night saw the mess crowded with hot blooded males, watching miss universe. haha. practically the whole of platoon 3, minus the team commanders and 2ics were there, together with people from all over. and miss japan won!! she's like damn cute and flamboyant and gregarious. she flirts with the camera and best of all, she looks singaporean! haha.it means we all stand a chance. i think. and everyone else was rooting for miss korea, who was fat, and had a name that sounded like she just stepped out of geylang - honey lee. whatever man. and she's so not hot. and miss usa landed on her butt, which was hilarious yet painful to watch. and since we all knew the results before we caught it, it was kinda anti climatic, but it was good fun cheering on japan like we were watching soccer or something like that. however, i think i was the only one who thought japan deserved the title. she's my dream girl and she's 20! haha. i stand a chance!
ok. i'm back from lunch and movie with best friend and gang. watched next coz the timings for pirates was too off. damn. and next was terrible terrible. totally anti climatic. people were like booing it when the twist, or so they call it, unravelled. to simply put it, the whole movie was a mere vision that never materialised. so we were glued to the movie screen for an hour and a half and none of it happened. bullshit.
so yes. i'm officially twenty now. a few more hours to go. i think i've reached a point in life where i'm no longer a teenager, and not yet an adult. no man's land. it's a transition phase where i've to start figuring out what i wanna do with my life. my age will no longer start with 1 anymore. it's a huge undertaking i guess as i migrate into the regions of adulthood. and with this migration comes greater responsibility and accountability. it's the gray area, unclear and undefined. it's a phase of trial and error, where i amble along, trying and failing before moving on. only this time around, lesser mistakes and quicker remedies are permissible.
the age is tantalising. it signifies the prime of your youth. it should be an exuberant celebration of colours and joy and immense life. like a fun fair, with the carousel and ferris wheel and bumper cars and cotton candy and big top tents filled with clowns and elephants and the tightrope walkers. it's a celebration of sorts, the excitement and ecstasy that inebriates the young and young at heart. the intoxicating fumes of a lust for the vibrancy of spring. i should be soaking in every single moment of this age!
right now, my friends have become the bright lights and ferris wheel and carousel and the tightrope walkers. they're the ones who provide the drama and comedy and excitement in my life. they're the stiltwalkers and fire breathers. the ringmaster and lion tamer. they're in control, and they've all pulled me into their lives, welcoming and all embracing. i can almost hear the laughter, see the smiles of the jubilant. in this headspinning and giddy world of untruths and darkness, they provide the aspirin and the light to make it all better. they're there to laugh and celebrate with you, and of course, to withstand the harshest of winds with you. so thank you to those who've made a difference. old friends new friends, thank you. this birthday's for all you people. for making me who i am today, and for getting me through one of the roughest patches in life. uk won't be the same coz you guys won't be there, so this makes this birthday all the more significant. thank you.
and happy birthday jun ren! it's our bday! haha.
more photos. (thank you cass)
the secret lover. shh.
man. we all look good.
teng. scandalous.
i'm surrounded with people who love baring their cleavages.
i'm awake! last night was a blast. and it was definitely one helluva way to usher in my 20th. haha.
the attendance list: daniel denzil cass wei liang teng heng max jet en qian oliver
thanks guys for coming. there was no better way to ask to spend it than with you guys, with friends who mean more than a million bucks to me. so we started with just max and heng at fashionbar coz the rest were late. started drinking without the rest. qian had troubles with her ID but eventually resolved it and got into mos. teng got lost 3 times and made liang wait for like half an hour. haha. then the rest of the guys came. so it was one big party at fashion and thanks daniel for going back to get your passport just so you could get the membership thing, and for helping shave off a hundred bucks from the bill. cass was being her usual bitchy self and i've now been officially upgraded to the rank of lesbian lover. dang. but we've got nice photos!
inside mos was wild. the music was just getting everyone on a fanatic high. it was just damn good. and screw the absence of the hot chicks when you've the company of such good friends. haha. ok, fine, there were the chicks. thanks ah daniel for pullng me away from my tall indian chick, who loved my tie, to go get a drink. haha. it was good clean fun, without me getting pissed drunk, and i enjoyed every single moment of it. it was a night to remember.
so to all the friends who appeared, and those who dropped me a msg and remembered, thank you very much, from this 20 year old lil boy.
on a side note, the first person who called and wished me happy birthday, was x. not a surprise really. but thanks.
ok, i'll give a deeper and more thoughtful entry when i'm back tonight. gonna head out soon to meet kelvin and co for lunch. photos photos!
i'm now the lesbian lover. beat that denzil.
the LS trio
teng ah.
cass just doesn't satisfy you the way liang does right denzil?
oliver oliver! where have you been?!
thanks for the scarf babe!
max, the wasted.
the last 3 men standing. outside mos. haha.
his hair's really not that bad in real life. but he's my bro man. and cass' secret lover. and we all know he can't take gay jokes. homophobe.
ok. lets start with thursday. went for dinner with ex classmates from rj. small gathering with karl zach and suba. jo was stuck in a jam and by the time we were done and ready to go, she was STILL stuck at the PIE. haha. had to head back to camp so we just sat around, talked before they walked me to the mrt before they headed off to karl's place. been so long since i talked to all of them. karl's back for the hols from the states, regaling us with tales from brown and his roadtrips up to canada and around the us. and how he has to choose an attachment at either changi naval base, or at tuas naval base, both at extreme ends of our lil island. haha. zach's a scout spec in 42 sar. up to his neck with safsa rugby. but he's joining me in uk next year. haha. most memorable quote from him that night: " gedong's like the ulu of the ulu. getting there's like frodo's trek to mount doom" haha. whatever man. and suba, my dear girl, just finished her exams in nus. i still remember her calling me in the mornings back in j2 to make sure i was awake to meet her at woodlands mrt station before we headed to school together. haha. n it was her birthday on friday! haha. you're 20 years old! 2 days before me.
oh man. i miss my rj class.
zach. the rugger.
karla. the sms scholar.
the chinese high boy. the ac boy. the ri boy.
now altogether. 2S03L.
friday was initiation. either i was really stupid, or i was asking for it. haha. i had to down 4 cans of beer in the first game just because i forgot to cheers "towards perfection". 4 cans. and i was the unlucky one who had to get the ace of spades in indian poker. and my team had to tie with the other team when it came to drinking pepsi from 1 metre long straws. and i just had to spew out vulgarities from my mouth as i was doing the push ups as part of the deal-or-no-deal prize. so 6 cans was enough to send some puke outta my system. but it wasn't that bad coz what emerged was mainly beer that was gulped in. haha. n i was still very much sober. couldn't eat much after that so i basically wasted my 200 bucks contribution to the initiation fund. shit.
was supposed to play mahjong with daniel chew and james. but the alcohol got the better of us so we cancelled mahjong for zouk. haha. sorry dan and james. sorry sorry! so zouk was fun at the beginning. all the alpha 3ics were there. gue and the gang. but it was chew and denzil that made the night crazy. it's been so long since we had a RCK party. haha. but the music got boring, the crowd became terrible. for the first time, i was caught in a real human stampede after some girl puked near the dancefloor. for that one moment, all hell broke loose, people shoved and pushed to get out of the lethal zone.
so i was basically zoning out on the dancefloor, bobbing to terrible music, feeling very very bored. left by 2.30 coz i just could not take it anymore. headed home and just conked out on my bed. haha. at least i was in self control again, i refuted any offerings of long island and vodka lime. limited myself to one or two sips only, so i was pretty much sober last night. haha. tonight's gonna be another party. with friends from everywhere. haha. literally everywhere. a motley crew of sorts like i always say. tmr's lunch with kelvin and gang. ok. it's the birthday weekend! i'm 20 and no more a teenager! haha.
i look like qian here!
the c and k of RCK.
RCK buddies. love of my life. haha.
"daniel's the hero coz he's better looking" whatever cass.
last one for the night.
it was a night of reliving what used to be in days before. chew chew and chow chen as they're affectionately known as. haha. i'll miss you guys in uk!
what promised to be a peaceful EO duty resulted in a rude awakening by chewy at 7.30 this morning "eh! wake up. faster. war relic call!" half an hour before handing over of duty at 8! what the hell. people wake up too early these days to work at construction sites. give them, and us, a break! so i ran down in my sleeping attire and slippers, boots in one hand to the standby bus.
but it was a simple disposal. was done by 2 and by 3.30, i was already on my way to town. hunted down that one shop to get jun ren's present done before heading to causeway point for an early belated birthday dinner with my parents, for my brother and me. think my 20th's gonna be a simple affair. spent amongst friends who mean the world to me. it's gonna be my last birthday here in singapore in the next three years, and i'm starting to get the jitters of moving overseas.
settled my accommodation in uk. now just waiting for the rest of the pieces of the puzzle to fall in place.
my mind's a whirl of thoughts now. let me put them down in words later, slowly thought through.
ok. i'm still crazy over this song, as old as it is. and this isn't even the mtv to the song. it's like some contest where people send in their self made mtv for the song. but that's not the point. daniel, denzil, chew, check out the guy's shirt. oh man. uncanny. haha. but still, the song's swell.
I pulled myself out of slumber easily today. a night out with chew and max and dingwen. in view of my terrible performance and antics the last 2 times i went clubbing, or attempted to, i had decided early last night that i shall not:
1. touch/grope/grind another girl for fear that she may have a boyfriend.
2. drink too much.
3. need anyone to babysit me.
and yeap, i did all 3. and i'm proud of myself. but after last night, i concluded that mos seriously was a terrible place to be at. there was a crazy girl in white who hunted us down and basically tracked us down across the whole span of the dance floor, shoving her big fat butt with the beige undies flashing in between the three of us. think we're too hot for our own good. haha. unabashed and shameless bragging.
so lets take stock of the alcohol i consumed innocuously that caused almost no harm.
my 2 free drinks (bourbon and whiskey dry. bacardi 151. 2 jugs of whiskey dry.
not that bad right? and i was sipping my drinks slowly out of a straw in absolute self control. unless, their drinks were unglamorously diluted, which of course supports the notion that zouk serves way way better drinks.
so yea. midway through the night, yisi and en appeared. haha. apparently zouk was too boring for them. i, remembering the promise i made to self, gentlemanly pushed them to chew and max, not too difficult a task actually. haha. but i was being teased and was pulled to join them once in a while. thanks ah yisi. so while they were drowning in each other's arms, i was fighting off assholes who had flailing and uncontrollable arms, whose butts knew no boundaries and insisted on pushing max. so i stepped in, feigned a drunken stupor, and bumped him away. haha. then there was the guy with the ostentatiously ugly gucci fedora cap who was mocked incessantly by us. so i turned to him and asked to try it, so i grabbed it and wore it, much to the amusement of chew and co.
so yes. last night was good. it was sth that i've wanted to experience in a long long time. just dancing, and losing myself to the music, not alcohol. and dancing was good. music sucked, but still enjoyed just dancing. clean simple fun.
so thanks to max and chew for the great company. and to dingwen for drinks that never materialised. haha. and to yisi and en for being naughty. haha.
ok. back to using my mac. sometimes my mac gives me a headache. coz a lot of things do not work with it. and alot of things are different on the mac. looking at the create post screen here, and looking at it on my mum's lenovo, there are like 3 missing icons on the bar where you can choose to click to make your words bold or italicised. plus when i click on the icon to add a photo, the options on the mac are different from that on the lenovo. hmm. gotta figure things out soon.
ok. gonna rush out now. have to bathe and dress up. it's mos tonight. dingwen, max and chew. motley crew of sorts, but happiness. haha. and there's mahjong at my place tmr night. DO duty on sunday, but hopefully tonight and tmr makes up for that sunday. plus daniel's gonna make me watch some chinese drama in camp on sunday. haha. spare me lar.
and yes. I WILL NOT GET PISSED DRUNK tonight. promise. more photos to come!! :)
now don't fight over me. coz i love you all. i'm not moping over life anymore. life will pick up. i know people who care. i know of people who bother. so life is wonderful now. life will sort itself out, divine intervention if you have to call it. oversensitivity can be a bane. but i'm a gemini. haha.
my head's a wreck now. last night was wild till the point i lost memory of what happened. it started out with two jugs of long island. as disgustingly sour as it was, it was a good start to the night. jun ren and jacq came. never did imagine them as a clubbing couple. then more jugs came. 2 more whiskey dry. and another 4 more that i cannot remember. and 6 tequilla pops. think i lost it from there. i knew i was more or less gone after the long island, but the drinks just kept coming. and i just kept drinking. i did things that were wrong and embarrassing, and i closed the night crying outside with daniel and claud.
oh yes, happy birthday claud. and denzil, thanks for putting your life on the line for me. i'd have done the same for you, but i think you're much more sensible than i am and won't allow yourself to end up in such a sorry state. even if you did, cass would kill you first. and yes cass, i know you're about to kill me for letting your sweetness take the brunt and consequence of my irrational actions, but hey, at least you know he's one dependable and trustworthy guy. so love him even more.
i don't know what i'd do without my friends. i think i pissed daniel off terribly. and for the first time today, i felt like i had everything to lose. i rmb i went to his place to chill before taking a cab back to camp. knocked out on his sofa and before i knew it, it was 6.45 and he was literally chasing me out of his house. he was so damn pissed. and i did not know why. i behaved and did not utter a sound, but yes, he told me he had enough of my bullshit, threw me out of the house, and slammed the door in my face. made my way back to camp feeling like shit.
i told denzil the moment i saw him in camp, that i had lost daniel as a friend. and in that one solitary moment, i felt i had everything to lose. good friends don't come by that easily, and i was about to lose one. it was like losing part of yourself. part of the misery stemmed from the fact that i had become a burden to friends who bothered. i don't wanna be that burden. and i don't wanna bother them. i'm pulling people back. i'm already as screwed up as it is, and i don't want people who matter to me, to get sucked into the same black hole that has already gotten to me. i think i'm a setback to people who make an effort to look out for me. i'm a tiresome nagging at the back of their necks. having to look out for me.
i know it's fucking dumb to be sitting here and saying all these, and not do anything about it. but thing is, i'm trying my fucking hardest. i want self control, self restraint. i don't wanna be the one pulling everyone back like some sorry loser. i don't like that feeling and i'm trying my best to get myself out of it. i've failed so many times, and the only comfort i can offer myself is that it gets better. but i don't want it to get better. i don't want to even come close to it happening again. i'm sick and tired of failing people. and failing myself.
i don't drink as a form of escape. i don't drink out of sorrow. it just happens. and it's a pitiful excuse, but i do try to stay off excessive drinking. i've gotta figure out what i want in my life. i can't let it wither away, drowning in alcohol. i enjoy losing myself in that one moment, but not losing what i had to begin with. i wanna grab hold of everything before me, to enjoy the moment, the people, the things in their entirety. i wanna love life. i wanna live life.
think at the end of the day, daniel reminded me that friendships aren't made to be that fragile. it's more than silly mistakes that piss you off. it's more than giving up what you have for a friend. it's something that connects directly to the heart. and i'm thankful to so many people for helping me see it that way. jun ren, daniel, thank you. it stretches deep into the darkest recesses of your heart, deep set and rooted, and it takes alot to uproot it. losing a friend after succumbing to your vice robs you of yourself. you lose part of yourself, and your mind. i never want to come that close to such a feeling again. it's pure misery, especially when all that you've left now, are friends like these.
photos will be up soon, when i get home and grab hold of my mac. hinder's better than me is still stuck in my head. resounding.
i'm in camp, sitting in front of a computer, writing my life away while i wait for the right time to get up, bathe and change before heading to mambo. my body's failing me. literally. i feel it crumbling away. all the running and walking and climbing of stairs. aching. my back, my neck, my legs.
i think in life, you go by unappreciated, unnoticed by people who matter to you. you may try your hardest to connect but most attempts fail. hapless, you trudge on, knowing that that's the only thing that keeps you sane, and awake in this crazy crazy world of solitary strangers. slowly, silently struggling with the masked unknown.
i thought of 3 very funny things on the way back to camp last night.
number 1. there was this beer sale promotion at some shady coffee shop near simei. the banner read "before, 3 bottles for $15. now $14.50". WOW. i say again. WOW.
number 2. i suddenly thought "why don't people wear saris and club?"
number 3. i had a vision. people in saris drinking $14.50 beer and dancing. in a club. sweating the hell out of themselves. (i wanna be there when it happens)
randomness. what's wrong with me?
and i caught priceless yesterday with qian. it was good. romantic not in the sappy "i-love-you-till-death-don't-leave-me-for-another-woman-don't-die-on-me" kinda way. a naughty and hilarious take on love, life and humour. life as a toy boy rocks. i mean he got a scooter. and a 30,000 euro watch. that would pay for my accommodation in uk ya know. haha. love teases and plays. and audrey tautou pulls off every single dress she wore in it. and she glamourises smoking in that not-so-sleazy lounge way. sexy.
hinder's better than me is stuck in my head.
I think you can do much better than me after all the lies i made you believe guilt kicks in and i start to see the edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be i told myself i wouldn't miss you but i remembered what it feels like beside you i really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes and i think you should know this you deserve much better than me
while looking through your old box of notes i found those pictures that you were looking for if there's one memory i don't want to lose that time at the mall you and me in the dressing room i told myself i won't miss you but i remembered what it feels like beside you i really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes and i think you should know this you deserve much better than me
the bed i'm lying in is getting colder wish i never would've said it's over and i can't pretend that i won't think about you when i'm older cause we never really had our closure this can't be the end i really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes and i think you should know this you deserve much better than me i really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes and i think you should know this you deserve much better than me (and i think you should know this) (you deserve much better than me)
we never really had our closure. i've done things to disappoint you, things i'm not proud of. but i didn't deserve what you threw at me. i hate you.
ok. i'm angst-ridden and in a terrible state of mind. my words are poison. my thoughts, knives. this post is dedicated to x, to remind me of why i hate you so much. and like andre said, to cloud my mind with nothing but pure hatred and disgust, and totally eradicate any feelings of attachment or forlorn musings.
the night was 14th dec, thurs. the afternoon was spent picking out the right clothes for comms ball, which was on the 15th. i rmb tugging all my clothes and shoes to your place so that we could just head down to mt faber from your place together the next day. had dinner together and decided to watch rented vcds. you said you wanted to go for drinks with friends from school. i was like why not. so you dolled up and left, while i stayed at your place, cuddled up on the sofa watching troy. at around 3 in the morning, i decided to be the very nice boyfriend and go down to pick you up. i was the fool.
out of the car you emerged. smiling. like a girl newly in love. giggly, esctatic. hand in hand, you two took a long walk up 6 storeys. i watched stupefied. i followed, like the guilty. and when i was sure i was out of sight, peeked about the corner and saw the two of you outside your gate. making out. kissing. making out. lip to lip. for a long time. so don't tell me he merely asked for a good night kiss. bitch. and i walked over. slowly. smiling in delusion. maybe denial, telling myself it could not be. and till i reached an arm's length away from you did you see me. "i drank a lil too much, ranon". fuck you.
make up your mind. a good night kiss before he got married that weekend? yes. he was getting married. or was it too much alcohol? bitch. i was supposed to be inside that house, behind that very door you were standing in front of, sleeping. you thought i was sleeping. you thought that i wouldn't know. you thought i was a fool to trust you that much. you thought i was a fool. that big a fool. what was i thinking? did you for one moment think about us? i fucking hate you. can you imagine the anguish, the huge emotional turmoil you took me on as i saw you tip toe to touch your lips on his, tongue clicking with his, hands running all over each other? fuck you bitch.
you fucking took 3 years of my life away and did not for one moment think of it when you decided to fuck around. i use fuck around coz tales have been told. truth or untruth i choose not to uncover, for i choose to think the lesser of you. no matter what i've done, no matter what we've done, it doesn't matter anymore. i've utterly no respect for you. all the bullshit i thought i knew of you, i no longer believe. your theories and outlook on life, the reasons why i fell in love with you, was a fake, a pretense, a facade. don't ever say you love me coz we thought alike. it's a disease to the skin to have anything about me associated with you. i don't know if what i know of you is real anymore. i no longer have faith in my judgement. i no longer trust myself. i can't look at you the same way as i used to. because of you, i take longer to trust someone. because of you, i'm extra careful with everyone.
but because of you, i've become unfeeling when it comes to matters of the heart. i'm a cynic in love now, as cliched as it may seem. because of you, i question myself even more. friends who come close, i'm more afraid to lose because i know i don't fit in, i don't belong, and i'm not worth the effort of knowing or befriending. because of you, i see my inadequacies. or so i think. i cannot trust myself anymore. like i said before, i've grown detached from myself. i watch myself from afar. from the sidelines like a bystander by the roads, waiting for drunken and intoxicated roadsters to run me down. to run over me the first time, then realise i'm not dead, and ride back once more over the limp and flaccid body, devoid of life or any form of fluidity. to press down the throttle hard, hear the gears shift in place, and ride off into the darkness, like the light flickering away to usher in the night.
you destroyed any form of self respect i had for myself. you awe me with your hypocrisy and falsity. you amaze me with the truths that i find out after that night. you disgust me with your words and actions. your fallacies opened my eyes to the truth, that you were not the soulmate you claimed to be. the kisses you gave were decay left to infest my lips. the "i love you"s were words spoken to blanket the lies after lies after lies. the nights we spent cuddled up on my bed, your bed, whispering sweet nothings to each other were mere nightmares of death and destruction left to haunt babies in their cribs. the touch of your skin was like, to put it into the army context, throwing yourself into bundles of concertina wire and barb wire, rolling about in it, relishing in the blood and cuts and gashes. it was all a lie you fucking bitch.
i don't care what's happening to you now. all i ask for is for you to just get out of my life. and to get a grip on yourself. degrade yourself for all i care, but think of those who cared, or did care. but for now, i'm just glad you're a distant memory, a faded photograph left to yellow in the sun. you were a tattoo on my body. now it's lasered away, and all that's left's just the smell of singed skin, crisp and burnt. scarred, but moving on.
ok. spiderman was overrated, like many have said. it wasn't as exciting or thrilling as i thought it would be. the haphazard filming, the sporadic bursts of comedy injected into the action didn't really work. like peter parker dancing in the jazz club. and the almost meaningless flat humour. the patriotism was noted, what with spiderman posing for that momentary second in front of the waving american flag, all blue and red. it started slow i guess, took too long to pick up pace and eventually ended with a somewhat predictable ending. yet, it was ok i guess. my eyes reddened at the scene when harry osbourne died, saving his best friend. it was a strong moment i guess. and it got me thinking.
right now, i'm feeling like i've lost myself. to what i do not know. i've grown detached from myself. i don't feel like i used to feel, i don't think like i used to think, i don't speak like i used to speak. i've been gagged and tied up and submerged into an abyss of scarred and self induced withdrawal. i know why alcohol makes me feel the way it does. it liberates the subconscious. inebriated, it releases a cacophony of uninhibited emotions. bounded then released like a surge of untold fantasies unleashed upon dreamers.
it makes you insecure. you feel like you've got everything to lose. everything's on the line and at risk. with new people, you take extra caution not to lose them. it makes you so eager to please, to not let go, to grab on to the one thing you know that is as fragile and probably, as disappointing as love is - friendship. it's a diaspora of feelings, of wanting to build upon this new found friendship, and struggling with the fear of not being good enough. you fear rejection and unacceptace. you fear exclusion and solitude. yet you crave the one thing that brings untold joy and smiles - companionship.
friendship and companionship live in mutual exclusion. disconnectivity is apparent, especially when there was always someone to turn to in the last 3 years. taking it away leaves you open and vulnerable. i mean, knowing that she was always there, no matter what and no matter when, bred dependance and to a certain extent, over reliance. there are things you can only say to her, and certain things that you'll approach her for. but now, she's not there. friends can't assume the role of a girlfriend and that's what make the special one so different. it's back to readjusting to life where you left off 3 years ago. 3 years ago when you were 17.
it's a haunting silence. an inward struggle to deal with loss and recovery. of perhaps trying too hard to please. i should just let go, and have more faith in those i claim to be friends, for they're the ones who make life so much more bearable these days.
one week gone by. it's a week after mayhem. i've put it behind me, knowing that people who matter actually do care, and that it has made me wanna be a better friend, with alot of self control.
daniel woke me up, sort of. that day over dinner in camp, we were talking and he made me see that there were people who thought better of me, that there were expectations of me to be met. i've moved on from moping in self regret and disappointment, to wanting to better myself, and to really appreciate my friends for who they are to me. daniel, thank you. we've had so many talks at the mess and you are one man i deeply respect.
and that night, we were talking about the army, and how it has made a difference in our lives. people don't realise it, but these two years change people and, recognising the fact that you've changed and grown up bears testament to the fact itself. experiences mould a person and the people you meet can never be taken away. it doesn't matter if you become an officer, spec or man. medic, driver or storeman. at the end of the day, we're all people seeking a way through these two years at least. friends go beyond these superficial levels. lines should not demarcate us for the ranks and appointments we hold. people do judge you for the rank you hold and that i do agree with daniel. but like i said, rank makes the organisation what it is, and the people make up its heart. it's impossible to do away with stereotypes, but it takes every individual to want to transcend these typecasts and work with your heart more than the neccessity to fit in. respect should be given to everyone irregardless of rank and that's what the army needs to learn - tact. so to those who are disillusioned with the army thus far, take heart knowing that people do care, and that the army has a long way to go before reaching its ideal state. take these two years to learn more of yourself. learn to see yourself for who you are. and most importantly, learn to appreciate the friends who will take you through these times.
ok. i sound like an army poster. so this week was crazy. sweep sweep sweep. cft. and super huge disposal. army stuff that can only be understood by fellow like minded kindred. haha. can't elaborate further so we'll just leave it as that. played mahjong with chew andre and james the whole night. won peanuts but whatever. gonna meet jun ren for lunch and spidey later! he just came back from thailand and he has bailey's for me!
and i had first contact with the x after months.
more bullshit to bear. more disappointment. more silent injustice. stifled silence.
i just wanna find a hole to dive into and never resurface.
what was wrong with me? what was i thinking? never have i made such a big fool of myself in front of so many people. it was an embarrassment, and a mistake right from the start. alcohol just fucks your life up. i cannot say how damn sorry i am, for spoiling the night, and the party. intoxicated, wasted. what the fuck was wrong. i'm not gonna give myself an excuses for my actions, coz there aren't any.
i'm sorry cass and qian. for the effort put into the party, i did it no justice. esp to qian, sorry for spoiling the party. hope your parents and all didn't give you a hard time. and your friends who helped, help me say sorry and thanks. i know you were really looking forward to the night and i had to spoil it. so so sorry.
denzil n chew. sorry for letting your birthday party turn out this way. i have no idea how to make it up to you guys, but i will and i promise. you guys of all people should know how i'm feeling now. regret, disappointment and total remorse. why was i such an idiot?
daniel and chew again. thanks for seeing me home in such a sorry state. i was pathetic, and a total loser. thanks for making sure i got home in one piece and ensuring that i was sound asleep in bed. you guys amaze me with your tolerance and thoughtfulness. sorry for the puke all over.
boy. when will i ever grow up? why have i relegated myself into such a sorry state that underscores my immaturity and lack of control. it's a pitiful existence when in life you have nothing to look forward to, and nothing that you do makes up for this gap. every touch i make is destructive. my life serves no purpose and no meaning. it's empty and aimless. with nothing in near sight to grab hold of, i'm losing grip over the one thing i always had, the one thing that had always been mine - me. i'm losing myself and losing my head. when's this gonna stop? when i lose those who truly matter around me? my life's a mess. it's spiralling out of control into a deep murky future. uncertainty clouds vision. disappointment has become me. i'm an anathema to myself. dislike me, detest me, shun me. there's no longer the panache you find in me. more of a sad shadow of misery, disgrace, and regret.
to those who still bother, i'm so sorry. for becoming who i was. for disappointing. and for being the fool i was.
chew and daniel, thank you so so so much again. ignore me if you will, but you guys touched me. thank you. gratitude knows no words.
i just tumbled into bed 10 mins ago. that was after showering and having supper.
today was one very long day. went wakeboarding in the afternoon. the funny girl at the shop called me at 12 and said "hi. i've a personal favour to ask of you. my contacts are drying out and i was wondering if you could bring me an extra contact lens case and some solution?" haha. what do i make of that? so i being the nice guy i was, packed what was required. haha. and today's lesson was freaking fun. slowly learning how to jump wakes and i ended with a bang. literally. i tripped over a wake and landed face flat that sent a shot of pain thru the right side of my body and my face. i ended up bleeding in my mouth. wonderful. then i got to witness first hand my instructors wakeboarding! an honour, they said, that was bestowed upon the rare few coz this was their first time wakeboarding after a year long hiatus. haha. they're like 38 and 47 years old respectively, the latter fat with a pot belly the size of twice my head and man, they just flew on water. i mean these guys were asian champs back in the 80s. looking at them, you realise that time can ravage the body, but the indomitable spirit and passion in man can never be lost. they seriously enjoyed what they were doing. and they were still good at it. these guys are the real deal i tell you.
so after wakeboarding, and the bleeding-mouth incident, i headed back to camp to dump my stuff, and with food in tow for daniel who was stuck in camp doing standby. had to change in 10 mins and got a ride to town in cpt alex's car with ah gu. haha. gu headed for night class, while i went to find qian at city link mall.
found her and headed to fort canning for a midsummer night's dream. we got lost. haha. seriously. we got lost in fort canning. should have gone in from the dhoby ghaut side. so yes. we eventually found the place, grabbed wine (served in plastic cups) and food (sponsored by indochine) and headed to our seats under the marquee.
well, abt midsummer night's dream.
i'll piece together my thoughts abt the play when i'm much sober. and awake. and thinking.
intermission under the marquee
so after the play, we headed to home club and qian introduced me to indie night for the first time ever. it was a different kinda fun. and i wouldn't be quick to put it down as boring, the music's good really, you just need to get used to it. dancing to it was a lil awkward in the beginning. it's not like dancing to rnb and hip hop, with that loud thumping beat to guide you. indie's different. with music from the killers and muse and placebo. go figure. but then again, i had fun. getting introduced to something new each day. so thank you qian. yet another night to remember. and yes, you gave me more than sweet dreams to go to bed with :)
home club
so that concludes the day. and i will write about the play soon, promise.
i want a skinny black tie. and a black postman/army-like cap.
a second blog. wow. couldn't really be bothered with designing a template so i simply ripped off the nicest one i could find. haha.
anw, the last few days were crazy. platoon block leave. chalet on tues. barbeque and all. think i'm dying of food poisoning thanks to darrell for feeding me with food using thongs that were used to pick up charcoal. thanks dude. played mahjong all night long and lost. haha. headed back to camp after the game at 6.30 in the morning with boss-man to finish up work which required urgent attention. no kidding. i was in camp doing work even when i was on leave! finished work then headed home to wash up before going down to zouk!
mambo! went to phuture with chew, dre and jaspall. met nana on the dance floor. oh man. i haven't seen her in like a million and one years! i missed her so so so so much. we were practically hugging each other and jumping up and down in joy. pure ecstasy. we had promised to organise a class outing some time but plans never really materialised. fancy bumping to her at zouk. and manyun was there too! the last i remember of her was proposing to her on stage in sa during orientation. haha. everyone's changed.
and although this is gonna be like a week late, but i've gotta say something about last saturday! that was one helluva night. went partying with chew denz cass liza and qian. opened a bottle at fashionbar and fooled around being idiots. self entertainment that delivered delirious laughter and photoworthy moments. all captured down of course using my phone camera which produced much better quality photos thatn cass' digicam. haha. good thing i don't have a tagboard (yet) or she'll be flooding it if she finds out.
action on the dance floor was equally crazy. eye opening action that cannot be mentioned here. left a few tongues wagging but all were happy. i hope. but it left me with a sweet aftertaste. and of course, there was the crazily deluded woman who made me down two bloody concentrated glasses of chivas green tea before i could take her empty chair away for the girls to sit. so as i was drinking, she said to me "i'm 37 years old. i have 3 kids and i'm pregnant now. my husband's german. don't worry, i've given birth in a club before." i nearly spat out my drink.
hilarious. and post partying was worse apparently, no thanks to my drunken antics which i quote if posted on youtube, will definitely invite alot of views. the taxi stand with all the aunties who think i'm crazy (and hot. haha). the tranny without the bra who would have slapped me silly if she/he had the chance. chew and "CAT 1 CAT 1". lamp pole dancing, and licking apparently. haha. and in the taxi with qian, asking the taxi driver rhetorical questions like "why is it raining? uncle can you make the rain stop." thank you qian for making sure i sent you home first. n pls tell me what i said in the cab. or you'll be the pink furry pig who haunts my dreams. anw, it was a night to remember. memories that will stick for a long long time. great company and great fun. what more can i ask for.
at fashionbar. this was when before the drinks came.
