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pokerface

Thursday, 26 March 2009 by ranon

exactly one year ago, i wrote this

a capacitor is an electrical device that makes use of electrical charges with the same magnitude but opposing polarities, and stores and builds up energy between two conductors. we are poles apart with dissimilarities so apparent, that we give so much to make up for this disparity. the energy, the effort, the restraint envelops us like a shroud and i feel the weight and pressure of it on my back. we're two electrical charges heading towards each other at the same speed of attraction, and what we're building up is being stored, waiting to be unleashed when both sources meet. i know my sunburnt shoulders will make me stand tall against the load that's bearing down on me, i'm just wondering when you will cave in. coz right now, you're eating away into my head like a disease that's spreading from my heart to my head. it is shifting away from the core of emotions to the seat of sensibility and under normal circumstances, these two faculties seldom settle for a peaceful coexistence. so yes. warn me before you cave in. tell me should you ever cave in. and set these two conflicting entities apart before they start the process of self-rejection.

it's just too contradicting to trust someone and protect yourself at the same time.


i cannot focus on my essay today because last year this time, i was back home, dying to be here with you. and now we're both here and there's nothing to be done together or shared. the undeniable truth is i miss you and all that we had. i thought it was getting easier since it's been this long, but it hasn't. so today, i'm listening to these two songs i uncovered from way back because they bring back such a refreshing sense of nostalgia.


i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you



looking at you, holding my breath
for once in a lifetime i'm scared to death,
i'm taking a chance letting you inside


words are failing me these days and maybe that's why my essay's not going anywhere. 5 days till barcelona. i need to start feeling alive again.

would it help if i tried

Saturday, 7 March 2009 by ranon

i can see clearly now the rain is gone,
i can see all obstacles in my way.


i remembered these two lines of a song today on the bus because it was sunny and warm outside and it seemed as though spring was upon us. they seemed befitting now that the weather's clearing up, just like my clouded head and mind. things have been pretty dramatic in the last 24 hours. but the best news has to be that i'm now president of warwick thai boxing. oh yeah. and it seems like it's going to give me purpose now and something to work for, and towards. it's like a new opening somewhere in life and somehow, i feel closure, although both remain totally unrelated events. seeing you last night and how unaffected you can be perhaps sealed the deal for you and me. acceptance comes with time, but what am i to do when the first person i wanted to share my good news with was you? in other unrelated news, i am tempted to do a summer term at LSE in international relations, especially when lecturers include michael cox and mary waldorf. and if my application with the army goes through, it could mean that i won't be home for summer. mixed feelings about that.

life's getting better now. i know it will. a close friend of mine at uni's totally shattered after what has to be the most unthinkable and most painful breakup. and you know how much they matter to you when you worry about them all day. i'm gonna miss uni and everyone here when i'm finally done next year. time just goes by so quickly it's mortifying. move on now people. amble on.