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i just wanna find a hole to dive into and never resurface.

what was wrong with me? what was i thinking? never have i made such a big fool of myself in front of so many people. it was an embarrassment, and a mistake right from the start. alcohol just fucks your life up. i cannot say how damn sorry i am, for spoiling the night, and the party. intoxicated, wasted. what the fuck was wrong. i'm not gonna give myself an excuses for my actions, coz there aren't any.

i'm sorry cass and qian. for the effort put into the party, i did it no justice. esp to qian, sorry for spoiling the party. hope your parents and all didn't give you a hard time. and your friends who helped, help me say sorry and thanks. i know you were really looking forward to the night and i had to spoil it. so so sorry.

denzil n chew. sorry for letting your birthday party turn out this way. i have no idea how to make it up to you guys, but i will and i promise. you guys of all people should know how i'm feeling now. regret, disappointment and total remorse. why was i such an idiot?

daniel and chew again. thanks for seeing me home in such a sorry state. i was pathetic, and a total loser. thanks for making sure i got home in one piece and ensuring that i was sound asleep in bed. you guys amaze me with your tolerance and thoughtfulness. sorry for the puke all over.

boy. when will i ever grow up? why have i relegated myself into such a sorry state that underscores my immaturity and lack of control. it's a pitiful existence when in life you have nothing to look forward to, and nothing that you do makes up for this gap. every touch i make is destructive. my life serves no purpose and no meaning. it's empty and aimless. with nothing in near sight to grab hold of, i'm losing grip over the one thing i always had, the one thing that had always been mine - me. i'm losing myself and losing my head. when's this gonna stop? when i lose those who truly matter around me? my life's a mess. it's spiralling out of control into a deep murky future. uncertainty clouds vision. disappointment has become me. i'm an anathema to myself. dislike me, detest me, shun me. there's no longer the panache you find in me. more of a sad shadow of misery, disgrace, and regret.

to those who still bother, i'm so sorry. for becoming who i was. for disappointing. and for being the fool i was.

chew and daniel, thank you so so so much again. ignore me if you will, but you guys touched me. thank you. gratitude knows no words.

ranon, you're fucked.

totally fucked up.


  1. Blogger denzil Says:

    I bother. and I care. Seriously dude.

  2. Blogger the lethal cynic Says:

    check your email. you are not a hazard to yourself. and as long as you're willing to pull yourself out of this gap, i'll help you along. if you choose to spiral out of control, you will, and then you really would lose us all.

    take heart. if anything, i'll be here.


  3. Blogger clarefied Says:

    hey. just know that we're always here, there and everywhere if you need to talk things through. alcohol does not, and will not solve anything.

    you're a great guy, seriously. and know that there are people out there who care for you (LIKE US!) =))

    cheer up kay. it's water under the bridge. we'll have another party, but this time, purely soft drinks and fruit juices. =))


  4. Blogger the lethal cynic Says:

    yes please. we got to have one more party, a better one. TO FINISH UP THE COOKHOUSE PASTA. :) cheer up darl. remember, the dream? :) hoped this made you smile.