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december is darkest and june is the light

today i was reminded of the impossibility. i saw what it cannot be, and why it could never have worked out. i am happy for you and for what next year will mean to you, yet there's this reluctance to be happy. it's selfish but you have to know deep down, i am sincerely happy for you and that i share the joy that you must surely be absorbed in. i just wish i was there next to you to partake in this celebration of yours. i see why i could never fall in love here again because of this uncertainty in our future. yet, what is to stop me from wanting that split second of joy and momentary warmth? if the future cannot be told, who's to say it will not turn out the way we want it to? isn't living in the moment and giving the future a shot all that matters in life? that being said, the thought of graduating without you around casts an elusive shadow that seems painfully unbearable. not seeing you for the whole of next year multiplies the pain. yet what difference is there when i don't see or talk to you in days when you're still around? right now all the things that i thought was easy just got harder and harder each day. i don't show it, i don't say it, i deny it. but the truth is that getting you out of my head gets harder and harder each day, especially now that i know that in my last year here you won't be around. i need to sought out that inner peace i thought i had acquired in morocco and bring it back closer to me. i need to distract the mind.

the play is progressing i guess with each rehearsal. and thai boxing's picking up pace as i ready myself for my first match in week 9. where else can i channel my energy into? i need to find an outlet to let it all out, to invest my mundane mind and mute the distractions within. i need to find a reason to drag myself out of bed to school. i cannot be shackled to this life, and i will not allow myself to. the heart needs to be tamed first, and you play such a crucial role. so tame it please.

this song's been replaying on my itunes for the longest time ever.

“december is darkest and june is the light”

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