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find your way home

second year term 2 week 5 friday. what does it mean to you? it's not the exact date but this time last year - first year term 2 week 5 friday, i was at a party i wasn't meant to go and i met you. the actual date's 8 feb. what does it all mean then? i don't know what it's supposed to mean to you and i don't suppose you'd pause to give it a second thought, but that chance encounter did change my life. so much has transpired out of that meeting bred out of coincidence, and it'd make me smile for days knowing that today you realised what it meant. so i've been locked up at home today musing over yet another much regretted drunken misadventure last night, not wishing to step out in the biting cold, not even for training, hoping foolishly and seriously groundlessly that there will be no such chance meeting today. you see, there's this fear now. it's less of a fear-of-heights kinda fear, but more of a fear-of-the-uncertainty fear. it's the not knowing and not being able to grasp onto something real, and the fear of exhaustion. so i'm hiding away hoping this will pass.

birthday party. refused to go but got dragged along by annie and the rest. sat around bored. drinking and waiting to leave. we talked. kissed. drank some more and danced. in bed, watching aladdin. went outside for a breath of fresh air to quell that uprising in your stomach.

for a moment today, i thought back on the times when we quarreled, and i remember the one in the library and we were arguing over the phone, and then you came over and we made up outside the library, on the benches just outside social studies. and there was the other time when i sent you an angry text in the morning for leaving me at home alone the night before, when it was i who in my drunken stupor asked you to leave, and then we set things right on the open field right behind the library. you were using your laptop and going through your spanish notes. and then there was the day when we were 'studying' in the library and fooling around with my macbook camera and we took silly shots and then suddenly you stormed off and that night it was over. i found the pictures by accident on my laptop a few weeks ago. how long ago they seem but they still bring a smile back to me because they each meant something. our lives seem to revolve around the library too.

so yes. first year term two week five friday was when all was set in motion and the stage was set for us. if only you remembered. if only you gave us a shot and then there'd be reason to celebrate something today, and on the 8th of feb of course.

“find your way home”