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i used to think i was special

Monday, 8 December 2008 by ranon

on 20 March 2008 at 18:02, you wrote:

Like I told you before, I've never been in a proper relationship for more than a few weeks - everytime I've come close, something stops it, and its usually me. I remember you asked me when I was going to panic over things between us - well maybe that was it - maybe that was my irrational mind trying to escape. But it couldn't. It couldn't escape from the fact that I've fallen for you

i am on your side

Saturday, 6 December 2008 by ranon

today's the last day of the autumn term and it just doesn't feel right. i remember how the end of terms used to bring this whole sense of dread and disbelief but this time round, that seems to have lightened up. family christmas dinner at home with a few others was nice and cheery, with everyone gathered around, yet somehow it still feels different. first term last year there was a reluctance for the term to end because it was my first term in warwick and it felt surreal knowing that i had survived 10 weeks of university life. the end of the second term was accompanied with an unbearable longing because on the friday of week 5 of that term, i met you and you turned my world around and the thought of not seeing you for the whole of spring break was unbearable. and finally, the end of the final term of my freshmen year was tagged with an overwhelming sadness of finality because you weren't there anymore and i knew that the three months to follow were to be spent thinking of and getting over you.

so yes, this term has come to an end and there's this numbness because i really don't know what to make of this term, or the start of my second year for that matter. i came back from summer praying so hard that you would have already walked out of my mind and heart. i thought it was easy at the beginning and then things happened and we eventually stopped talking and you seemed to care less and less. you became oblivious and because you were so determined to get over it, i pushed you away and what hurts the most was the fact that you weren't even trying.

so yes, i've done much this term. i am immensely committed to muay thai training, and i've met equally committed and wonderful people there who give me the opportunity to let it all out in training because each training session's a sanctuary, and as much as i tell myself to go into the room and punch and kick each pad thinking of you and all that's happened, it simply never happens because i cannot bring myself to. and then there's the play for one world week and its rehearsals and i've always wanted to tell you that i've told them about you but we never seem to find the time to talk, and i think sometimes it's just me being afraid to approach you. i'm reconnecting with the singaporeans this year and my housemates have been the most solid pillars of support - unjudging and sincere. i've been retaining the links with my housemates from last year and i am doing well, i'm growing closer to some and losing some - the ones i'm growing increasingly closer to empathise and we connect; the one's i'm drifting away from have you to blame, and i am not ready to go about making amends. but at the end of the day, i know they will still be there as will my current housemates and i know i should feel happy with the situation i'm in, but fact is, nothing changes the fact that you're not here anymore.

one third of my second year has gone by and christmas approaches and in this festive period, we give our thanks for all that we've gained this year. and so i will give thanks for the friends who have stood by me this year, for the choices that i've made to pull my life out of the dregs, and for my obstinacy. because most of all, i give my greatest thanks for having you come into my life and giving me love and hope, and for breaking it and then walking away and me understanding that you can walk away as far as you can, but nothing can change the truth that i love you.


Friday, 5 December 2008 by ranon

i just finished my essay at 3.44 a.m and seeing that i only started this afternoon at 1, i am pretty proud of myself. it's the last one for the term so i'm officially a free man. i remember some time last year when i stayed in to do my essay and you came over after a night out in the union and you distracted me from my work. i went back to doing it while you fell asleep on my bed and i could hear you sleeping in the background and that was bliss. i finished at 7 in the morning and crawled into bed with you and that took all the stress and tiredness away. right now, i just want for that to happen.

stop his heart

Tuesday, 2 December 2008 by ranon

27th may 2008. it was some time around three in the morning and then i knew it. it was then i fell in love with you. that was the point. i remember every single detail. the way your lights were in your room, the warmth of that room, the way we touched and how your fingers went over my skin. every single minute detail. i knew then that it was you i wanted to wake up to, go to sleep with, and do everything in between with. and i don't think any of that has changed.


do you still remember that night?

i never got the chance to say i love you.

always and forever

Monday, 1 December 2008 by ranon

term's closing and all that seemed to have transpired in the last 9 weeks were untruths and a whole lot of silence. yet, nothing has changed the plain simple fact that you still are my breath of fresh air and that when i was drowning, you saved me. i found the notebook mandy gave me on my 21st and i re-read the quotes from grey's she jotted down on the first page:

knowing is better than wondering, waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying

we're friends, real friends. and that means no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, i'll still be here

i want things to go back to the way they were before. i was happy before you came along. i knew my place and my heart had no place for love, or heartache for that matter. so yes, i do wish sometimes you never happened and this pain would all go away and you never having to deal with all the melodrama. even if it means taking away the best 4 months of my life here in uni thus far because right now, nothing in the world seems to beat the pain of not being able to let go, and the fear of a haunting from the past.

britney week on x factor. she's helluva a singer, but she got voted out. the good ones seem to always leave. just like you did. why am i not surprised. feel the intensity of her passion and her emotions because that's how i've felt everyday the last 9 weeks. i need fixing.

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always