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what can i say

Monday, 23 June 2008 by ranon

you keep telling yourself that you've to get over it but what do you do when you watch re-runs of grey's anatomy and they keep telling you stuff like

it's like one day you realise the fairytale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, may not be a castle. and it's not so important it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now.

once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. the rest you've gotta take on faith. and once in a while, people may even take your breath away.

that knowing is better than wondering. that waking is better than sleeping. that even the biggest failure, the world's most inextricable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.

friends need to draw lines but they never seem to do, and it is not my will to force it on them, but sometimes, you would think that they will be sensitive to do so like everyone else, or at least to see it from my point of view that it's not so easy to keep that distance like we wanted to. 

it's conflicting, it's contradicting and sometimes i just wanna shout it in your face 'do you really care?!' because i don't think you do. and then you tell me it hurts when i doubt that you care, and all i'm saying to you is that if you did care, why does it seem so otherwise? why does it feel so otherwise? it's the last week here and i'm asking for a little more than phone calls only in response to the messages i send. like i mean genuine concern and genuine intentions about finding out how i am and talking to me without me having to probe first. i don't just wanna see you on random nights out because we make such casual conversation it's distressing.

talk to me like i mean something, as you claim, and not simply as a form of courtesy and formality.

how to save a life

Sunday, 22 June 2008 by ranon

sleeping with your jumper makes me feel like a creepy stalker.

i was avoiding you because i didn't know what to say, and i couldn't let you see the red in the eyes.

seeing you so happy with my friends left a sour and bitter, albeit ashamed, aftertaste.

i watched juno tonight for the third time ever. 

juno asks her dad if it's possible for two people to stay together forever. and he says

Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

cliched. very very cliched. and all i'm saying is that there isn't forever. there's no such thing as being with anyone for eternity. there is however, someone who's worth loving and someone who's worth sticking with. not for the commitments he has made, not for the inevitable future, but someone who takes you for what you are and what you stand for. it's not about the long-run, it's about now. more importantly, the spatial dimension matters more than the temporal. time is not the essence here, but the rawness of emotion and pure, untainted and uninhibited love.

you're the kind of person that's worth sticking with because the sun shines out of your ass no matter what you do, or say, to me.

crash

Thursday, 19 June 2008 by ranon

daddy doesn't have it.

bang.

i'll protect you daddy.

i still sleep with your shirt. i still go to bed looking at your picture. nothing's gonna change i guess. space        to save us the awkward tension. but you don't realise that i'm just holding on to the last chance we have together till summer break begins. walk out of my head and give me the space        that we both need to cover up. but not now. not till summer comes and 3 months of unbearable distance and isolation will give you, and me, all the space        . the thought of you with anyone else, now or in time to come, is unbearable. 4 months did feel much longer than it seemed. craig and j said they were watching aladdin tonight, all i could think of was the first night. i bought potato smilies at tesco coz they reminded me of you. queueing for the toilet at the house party 3 doors down last night reminded me of the first sight, then the first kiss. and now there's this space        where you once stood and it's an empty void. these last two weeks weren't how i thought they would turn out. i just want you to walk back in, even if for a while, to tell me we're still what we used to be. you walked away to avoid the inevitable, leaving behind what was unspeakably beautiful and special. you'll never see the beautiful because you're scared of the inevitable. and i hope some day you will.

i hope some day you will.

and only because i'm a self-victimising son of a bitch, stuck in a rut where denial and disbelief reign, tainted with unforgiving tears of unwillingness and stubborn refusal. i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you. i still don't.

howl

Wednesday, 11 June 2008 by ranon

exams are over and done with.

i don't know about us.

therefore, i don't know how to be happy.

muted

Friday, 6 June 2008 by ranon

what i did not say.

i can't do any of this. i feel sick and everything's overwhelming. it's not just dadaism/ginsberg/william carlos williams/orwell. i can't do you and me.

i don't think you got it. i just didn't want to say it.

i think you got it. you just didn't want to say it.

the remedy

by ranon

i'm convinced that it's only you i want because more than anything else, i want to be there when you walk in for your first paper to shoulder the fear and trepidation that you carry with you. i want to be there when you walk out of the exam hall with nothing but a sense of relief and accomplishment - to share that moment with you. and it might not mean anything to you now, but i'm more than certain now, that that's all that i want to do now, and for a longer time to come. and i'd rather wait out our time, knowing that we've done all that we could, accomplished all that we could, loved all that we (or i) could, than give all of it up now.

i never thought i'd miss commitment.

but i do.

i guess, at the end of the day, it's a one-sided affair of wishful and hopeful thinking that complicates the whole affair.

it hurts having to see you so close, to feel your presence next to me, but know that there's no way i can reach out to touch that face and kiss those lips of yours, and then hold you so tight to relieve the constriction, the tension and the cold shiver of my insides.

but i cannot ask for more.

i need to know my place, and i need to drill it in, that i was made for nothing more than 4 months.



take it back. take it back. take it back.

i still sleep with your shirt hoping that you'll take it all back. i want you to give me the reason and purpose again to send someone a meaningless text to say how much i've been thinking of you, and to call you at night to tell you that i wished you were next to me sleeping. i want to watch aladdin with you in bed just like the first time. i want you to come over to where i am in the library to kiss me and say goodbye because that's what being us means. i want to watch scrubs with you in bed till either of us fall asleep, usually it's me. i want you to nudge me awake because i'm snoring too loudly. i think most importantly, i need you to restore the meaning to 'here is the church and here is the steeple, we sure are cute for two ugly people' and 'and if you were the ocean i'd learn to float'.

i'm waiting for texts and calls that will not come, simply because things are no longer like before.

take it back?

i'm yours

Thursday, 5 June 2008 by ranon

then there was no more happiness and contentment and eagerness. there's no more waking up happily to a text message, a call or to the prospect of seeing you. there's no more falling asleep in your arms and watching you, no more feeling of the utterly blissful sense of contentment that that was all i needed. and then there's no more eager waiting to hear from you or to see you because there's just no reason now.

it's back to life as it was before.

you were my only friend.

and i was all prepared to do all that i could. i wanted to give up all that i wanted just to be with you, even if it meant we're heading into a future so positively uncertain. yet all i wanted was now. all i wanted was to live in the present with you and we'll take what comes our way a step at a time.

i trusted. i loved.

and at the end of the day, it was all about me and what i entailed. i was the impossibility and the uncertainty that you couldn't deal with. i'm going back to what i used to be now, because i need to know my place. that i cannot expect to deserve anything more because of this situation that makes me, me.

saying i'm yours doesn't mean anything now i guess. and that it's not going to change anything.

i need to know my place and not to expect to deserve anything more but this temporality.

maybe this is your happy news. that you're finally rid of this.



So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

obstination

Wednesday, 4 June 2008 by ranon

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence


The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you