you keep telling yourself that you've to get over it but what do you do when you watch re-runs of grey's anatomy and they keep telling you stuff like

sleeping with your jumper makes me feel like a creepy stalker.

daddy doesn't have it.

bang.

i'll protect you daddy.

i still sleep with your shirt. i still go to bed looking at your picture. nothing's gonna change i guess. space        to save us the awkward tension. but you don't realise that i'm just holding on to the last chance we have together till summer break begins. walk out of my head and give me the space        that we both need to cover up. but not now. not till summer comes and 3 months of unbearable distance and isolation will give you, and me, all the space        . the thought of you with anyone else, now or in time to come, is unbearable. 4 months did feel much longer than it seemed. craig and j said they were watching aladdin tonight, all i could think of was the first night. i bought potato smilies at tesco coz they reminded me of you. queueing for the toilet at the house party 3 doors down last night reminded me of the first sight, then the first kiss. and now there's this space        where you once stood and it's an empty void. these last two weeks weren't how i thought they would turn out. i just want you to walk back in, even if for a while, to tell me we're still what we used to be. you walked away to avoid the inevitable, leaving behind what was unspeakably beautiful and special. you'll never see the beautiful because you're scared of the inevitable. and i hope some day you will.

i hope some day you will.

exams are over and done with.

i don't know about us.

therefore, i don't know how to be happy.

what i did not say.

i can't do any of this. i feel sick and everything's overwhelming. it's not just dadaism/ginsberg/william carlos williams/orwell. i can't do you and me.

i don't think you got it. i just didn't want to say it.

i think you got it. you just didn't want to say it.

i'm convinced that it's only you i want because more than anything else, i want to be there when you walk in for your first paper to shoulder the fear and trepidation that you carry with you. i want to be there when you walk out of the exam hall with nothing but a sense of relief and accomplishment - to share that moment with you. and it might not mean anything to you now, but i'm more than certain now, that that's all that i want to do now, and for a longer time to come. and i'd rather wait out our time, knowing that we've done all that we could, accomplished all that we could, loved all that we (or i) could, than give all of it up now.

i never thought i'd miss commitment.

but i do.

i guess, at the end of the day, it's a one-sided affair of wishful and hopeful thinking that complicates the whole affair.

it hurts having to see you so close, to feel your presence next to me, but know that there's no way i can reach out to touch that face and kiss those lips of yours, and then hold you so tight to relieve the constriction, the tension and the cold shiver of my insides.

but i cannot ask for more.

i need to know my place, and i need to drill it in, that i was made for nothing more than 4 months.



take it back. take it back. take it back.

i still sleep with your shirt hoping that you'll take it all back. i want you to give me the reason and purpose again to send someone a meaningless text to say how much i've been thinking of you, and to call you at night to tell you that i wished you were next to me sleeping. i want to watch aladdin with you in bed just like the first time. i want you to come over to where i am in the library to kiss me and say goodbye because that's what being us means. i want to watch scrubs with you in bed till either of us fall asleep, usually it's me. i want you to nudge me awake because i'm snoring too loudly. i think most importantly, i need you to restore the meaning to 'here is the church and here is the steeple, we sure are cute for two ugly people' and 'and if you were the ocean i'd learn to float'.

i'm waiting for texts and calls that will not come, simply because things are no longer like before.

take it back?

then there was no more happiness and contentment and eagerness. there's no more waking up happily to a text message, a call or to the prospect of seeing you. there's no more falling asleep in your arms and watching you, no more feeling of the utterly blissful sense of contentment that that was all i needed. and then there's no more eager waiting to hear from you or to see you because there's just no reason now.

it's back to life as it was before.

you were my only friend.

and i was all prepared to do all that i could. i wanted to give up all that i wanted just to be with you, even if it meant we're heading into a future so positively uncertain. yet all i wanted was now. all i wanted was to live in the present with you and we'll take what comes our way a step at a time.

i trusted. i loved.

and at the end of the day, it was all about me and what i entailed. i was the impossibility and the uncertainty that you couldn't deal with. i'm going back to what i used to be now, because i need to know my place. that i cannot expect to deserve anything more because of this situation that makes me, me.

saying i'm yours doesn't mean anything now i guess. and that it's not going to change anything.

i need to know my place and not to expect to deserve anything more but this temporality.

maybe this is your happy news. that you're finally rid of this.



So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you