j.d from scrubs said that one of the universal human experiences is that of feeling alone and i guess he's pretty much not alone in saying that. yet sometimes, i think it's possible that we choose to isolate ourselves from those who we are comfortable with. we allow ourselves to get sucked into the vacuum and we don't provide ourselves with a satisfactory explanation for such an act.

perhaps it's because i miss the familiarity and comfort of the friends i know back home, or simply because i just cannot stand the fact that i have to put up a pretentious front to smile and laugh at the same repetitive jokes and jibes, deliberately delivered to the one same person every time i see them. and having to put up with the "i-know-what-i'm-referring-to-but-i-will-pretend-like-it-slipped-my-mind-so-that-i-will-pause-and-wait-for-someone-to-fill-in-the-blanks-for-me-just-so-i-know-they're-with-me" conversations just irritate the hell out of me. and come on, an age gap of two years isn't a lot so there's no reason why there has to be a clear distinction and the need to stress on how old and different some people are. bringing yourself into the centre of attention can sometimes be seen as a desperate act craving for attention and seriously at 23 years old, some people just need to move on in life.

now tell me there's reason for me to feel that frustrated. and that i have every right to pull myself away from everyone i care about just because one person gets onto my back. that said, i'm happy sitting in room polishing up the last bits of my pizza, taking a few spoonfuls of triple chocolate crunch and patting myself on my head for completing the first season of scrubs. not forgetting how i slaved away for 5 hours locked up in the library this afternoon doing my readings, taking notes and writing my essay. it's half done now and i have every mind to finish it up tonight and then it's gonna be a riot the next few days.

so yes. every moment i wish any of these people were here :)











and of course, RCK.








now plaster that smile back onto my face. and think happy thoughts.

:)

and so i think i've found the motivation i need and rekindled the 'burning desire' to actually accomplish some form of greatness here. and if greatness is to take the form of lesser clubbing/reading and preparing for my seminars/start writing my essays, i guess i can safely say that i have indeed, achieved greatness.

so it was a monday night without top b, buried in the works of rousseau and rosenthal and of course, the company of j.d/carla/elliot/turk/cox, of scrubs of course. i am all prepared for my seminar later at 3, armed with an arsenal of information about the security structure and policies of the european union. there will be the gym after the seminar followed by another night of no partying and more intellectual banter between my laptop and i as we decide whether only democratic regimes are legitimate and attempt to piece our thoughts into an essay.

so yes. this is greatness. with one essay out of the way, i will have another 5 more to keep me thoroughly entertained and enthralled till the end of the term. and who knew internet shopping was that addictive. clothes from asos.com have arrived for me and craig and we're going to devour the box itself.

and somehow the distance between us grows and feeds off our apprehensions and uncertainties. we watch it in stony silence and ignore the loss of something beautiful we once had. why can't things go back to the way they were?

it is 8.15 in the morning now.

i have been awake since 6.30.

i went to bed at 2.30 after top banana.

i had a shower 15 minutes ago and i am all cleaned up.

i have a lecture at 9. a lecture that i normally never wake up for.

i intend to eat 1 bunch of grapes as i walk to the far ends of the world for that lecture.

i have to run 500 metres after that to my lit seminar and give a presentation on elizabeth bowen.

i will come back to sleep after that at 11 and go for my world politics seminar at 3.

hopefully.

that pretty much sums up today quite easily. life has slipped into a mindless and almost sluggish routine and it seems pretty much the mind cannot be asked to do anything more but to devour box after box of ready made meals and cereal, with the company of teenage drama. now who am i kidding with a life like this. i'm in uni afterall. and as much as i want to, i cannot find it in me to pull my act together to restore some semblance of a life back into, life. the life of a student in fact. so give me my books and my notes and most importantly, the discipline and the drive to actually pore over them. and eventually, i will step out of this intellectual pothole that has rendered most of my brain to mush.

on a sidenote, i'm reserving my ass a spot in sentosa/newton circus/mambo come easter. partakers welcomed.

:)

sometimes solitude may be the best companion you need when your world-weary body seeks a reprieve. i get that human beings are by nature, social creatures, but sometimes, being social is also about being by yourself in quiet solitude - interaction determined by necessity. locking yourself in your room contemplating munching on triple chocolate crunch from marks and spencer and watching re-runs of one tree hill on your laptop may just be the perfect solution to a friday night when all the world's awake. chips and mayo from battered will serve as an alternative.

these are the words you will never hear.

you made me remember what it was like to want someone, and more importantly, you've shown me what it means to yearn for someone so badly, it makes your heart ache. every single day, i wish i could find in me the courage to take you by your hand and tell you that everything will be ok here, that we're away from home, away from everything that drove us from it, and that you will always, always have me here and we'll build our happiness together in this bubble. just you and me. it hurts being so close to you and not be able to do anything to show you the extent to which i feel for you. if only you can see that the everyday things i do for you mean more than they are, because they are. that the words i say are not what they are for they undermine the emotions that are screaming to say to you "i care!". i want to be the one you can always count on because the world has been unkind to you and i sincerely just want you to be happier. i've never just wanted anyone to be happy and it makes me happy knowing that everyday here plasters a smile, and possibly hope, on your face. i found my happiness and hope in you.

but i'm holding back because i do not want to become the person i hate, nor do i want you to become that person. and everyday i see hope slipping away from me because i know, and i constantly remind myself, that you're unattainable. your heart's given away and i will see lesser of myself for trying to take it. and as much as i tell myself to not be selfish, the heart is an entirely separate entity that will not zip up its emotions. it's unfair of me to laden you with the burden and the weight of an asking heart and i don't ever want you to bear its load.

there is a difference in having a choice, and having no opinion, and i choose now to keep you inside and seek a happiness in your face arising from the mere fact that we are friends, while i force a cheekiness back into my grin and pretend the world is a happy place where you and i walk down paths as distinct as they can get.

and those were the words i will never say.

It is ironic how I want to forget everything about last night, but how at the same time, I have no memory of what happened.

It is one of those periods of time that you just want to scream and bang your head on the window and tell the world of the emotional turmoil and upheavals that have been plaguing you, but you cannot.

So you choose to take it out on everything you see and commiserate in bouts and bouts of alcohol. I am not an alcoholic, but I seek it in a time when all I need is someone to listen and most importantly, to give me the courage to scream and vent it all out.

Yet somehow, I am not feeling any much better than I was before. All that is left are but pieces of broken glass and a memory of words I do not remember.

argh. someone explain to me what i'm doing!

school's started and the eurotrip's now become a part of history. life's picking up pace now this term. i'm getting serious about work and starting to pay attention and reading up for seminars. cutting down on partying and saving up money not only to pay for accommodation this term which is a bitch, but for the second eurotrip in spring, as much as i am tempted to go back to singapore since it's a 5 weeks break. house hunting has begun with ming and the rest. life has taken on a much certain and definite tone now. i kinda know what i want out of myself and i'm trying to focus my energies towards achieving it. i'm turning 21 this year and i want it to be a significant year. it's part of the growing up process and maturation phase.

2007 was a year of great change. i still remember the freshness of being a young new 2LT being posted to 36 sce. the awkwardness when meeting the platoon for the first time. that was the first signs of change i guess. assuming an authority and power unbeknownst to you ever, and finally understanding that the lives of so many men were under your charge. and we're talking about men who are so much more experienced than you are - senior specialists who are married with kids, who have been in the field for so many years, some since i was in primary school. it humbles you and sets things in perspective and it makes you work so much harder to gain not only their respect, but at the same time, ensure that you learn as much as you can. to be on the same pedestal can only be achieved through years of experience, but realising that all of you share a common bond and are fighting for the same cause, acknowledging the presence of such an affinity sets you apart from the rest. i dedicated my whole 9 months before i left to the platoon, day in day out, and i choose to believe that i did all that i could for them. i understood what it means to fight for your platoon, and working to integrate them with you.

and there was brunei which up till now, i still consider a landmark event in 2007 for the mere fact it taught me so much about myself, and showed me what i could and could not do. it reaffirmed my belief that i had chosen the right organization and that there was so much out there to explore. i picked up skills on the job in brunei within such a short period of time. borne out of necessity, the human mind was created to adapt quickly to suit his needs and again, i choose to believe that i did what i did to the best of my capabilities, and served the cadets as well as my limitations would allow. knowing that they have commissioned now is comforting and watching them walk down the path so well known to us is a reflection of what life has come to be.

there was the getting over the ex and i remember how empty and desolate it was at the start of the year. i buried myself in work and i stayed there. the hatred is still there. the anger probably. the disgust definitely. but i've since gotten over what i would consider the greatest mistake ever made, and thank her for opening up the world to me. for allowing me to see the world that i missed out and lost when we were together. she's become a mere solitary figure in the far distance, whitewashed and faded, almost an enigma - ironic seeing how i spent 3 better years of my life with her.

and there was the departure from singapore for the uk, a decision which until now, i cannot find reason to fault. life has changed dramatically since i arrived. it's a whole new life being thrown at you and you have to find your way through the thickness of the fog and plant yourself firmly in new soil. it's slowly rooting itself in place, adjusting itself to a new environment, a new climate and new people. i've seen half of europe since i arrived and it was mind-blowing. the richness of history and the texture of the fabric that holds this world together never seemed more inviting. it's almost surreal being here and sometimes i wonder what makes all these real. home seems a distance away, friends seem even further but i know that they'll be there should the need arise. friends made here are starting to grow on me and they provide the closest comfort of home. i'm thankful for having friends here who will trudge over in the cold with comfort food like happy hippoes and innocent smoothies just to plaster the smile back onto my face. and for having friends who will deal with my grumpiness when i tell them to fuck off on msn.

sometimes i just sit in my chair in my room and just look out of the window and watch the clouds pass overhead and trees sway and think to myself that this is life now. this is the life now and will be for the next 3 years. being transplanted to a entirely new world was intimidating initially but growing into it can be very very reassuring. i'm loving my life now as it is and can only look forward to it getting better. home beckons in 6 months and i am determined to return home a different person, a lil more grown up, a lil more resolute, a lil more aware, but still be the ranon i always was.

twenty four hours - athlete



"somewhere along the way, the people we love forgot to love us back"