bitch
ok. i'm angst-ridden and in a terrible state of mind. my words are poison. my thoughts, knives. this post is dedicated to x, to remind me of why i hate you so much. and like andre said, to cloud my mind with nothing but pure hatred and disgust, and totally eradicate any feelings of attachment or forlorn musings.
the night was 14th dec, thurs. the afternoon was spent picking out the right clothes for comms ball, which was on the 15th. i rmb tugging all my clothes and shoes to your place so that we could just head down to mt faber from your place together the next day. had dinner together and decided to watch rented vcds. you said you wanted to go for drinks with friends from school. i was like why not. so you dolled up and left, while i stayed at your place, cuddled up on the sofa watching troy. at around 3 in the morning, i decided to be the very nice boyfriend and go down to pick you up. i was the fool.
out of the car you emerged. smiling. like a girl newly in love. giggly, esctatic. hand in hand, you two took a long walk up 6 storeys. i watched stupefied. i followed, like the guilty. and when i was sure i was out of sight, peeked about the corner and saw the two of you outside your gate. making out. kissing. making out. lip to lip. for a long time. so don't tell me he merely asked for a good night kiss. bitch. and i walked over. slowly. smiling in delusion. maybe denial, telling myself it could not be. and till i reached an arm's length away from you did you see me. "i drank a lil too much, ranon". fuck you.
make up your mind. a good night kiss before he got married that weekend? yes. he was getting married. or was it too much alcohol? bitch. i was supposed to be inside that house, behind that very door you were standing in front of, sleeping. you thought i was sleeping. you thought that i wouldn't know. you thought i was a fool to trust you that much. you thought i was a fool. that big a fool. what was i thinking? did you for one moment think about us? i fucking hate you. can you imagine the anguish, the huge emotional turmoil you took me on as i saw you tip toe to touch your lips on his, tongue clicking with his, hands running all over each other? fuck you bitch.
you fucking took 3 years of my life away and did not for one moment think of it when you decided to fuck around. i use fuck around coz tales have been told. truth or untruth i choose not to uncover, for i choose to think the lesser of you. no matter what i've done, no matter what we've done, it doesn't matter anymore. i've utterly no respect for you. all the bullshit i thought i knew of you, i no longer believe. your theories and outlook on life, the reasons why i fell in love with you, was a fake, a pretense, a facade. don't ever say you love me coz we thought alike. it's a disease to the skin to have anything about me associated with you. i don't know if what i know of you is real anymore. i no longer have faith in my judgement. i no longer trust myself. i can't look at you the same way as i used to. because of you, i take longer to trust someone. because of you, i'm extra careful with everyone.
but because of you, i've become unfeeling when it comes to matters of the heart. i'm a cynic in love now, as cliched as it may seem. because of you, i question myself even more. friends who come close, i'm more afraid to lose because i know i don't fit in, i don't belong, and i'm not worth the effort of knowing or befriending. because of you, i see my inadequacies. or so i think. i cannot trust myself anymore. like i said before, i've grown detached from myself. i watch myself from afar. from the sidelines like a bystander by the roads, waiting for drunken and intoxicated roadsters to run me down. to run over me the first time, then realise i'm not dead, and ride back once more over the limp and flaccid body, devoid of life or any form of fluidity. to press down the throttle hard, hear the gears shift in place, and ride off into the darkness, like the light flickering away to usher in the night.
you destroyed any form of self respect i had for myself. you awe me with your hypocrisy and falsity. you amaze me with the truths that i find out after that night. you disgust me with your words and actions. your fallacies opened my eyes to the truth, that you were not the soulmate you claimed to be. the kisses you gave were decay left to infest my lips. the "i love you"s were words spoken to blanket the lies after lies after lies. the nights we spent cuddled up on my bed, your bed, whispering sweet nothings to each other were mere nightmares of death and destruction left to haunt babies in their cribs. the touch of your skin was like, to put it into the army context, throwing yourself into bundles of concertina wire and barb wire, rolling about in it, relishing in the blood and cuts and gashes. it was all a lie you fucking bitch.
i don't care what's happening to you now. all i ask for is for you to just get out of my life. and to get a grip on yourself. degrade yourself for all i care, but think of those who cared, or did care. but for now, i'm just glad you're a distant memory, a faded photograph left to yellow in the sun. you were a tattoo on my body. now it's lasered away, and all that's left's just the smell of singed skin, crisp and burnt. scarred, but moving on.
the sweet waft of a burning flesh. i'm hooked.
the night was 14th dec, thurs. the afternoon was spent picking out the right clothes for comms ball, which was on the 15th. i rmb tugging all my clothes and shoes to your place so that we could just head down to mt faber from your place together the next day. had dinner together and decided to watch rented vcds. you said you wanted to go for drinks with friends from school. i was like why not. so you dolled up and left, while i stayed at your place, cuddled up on the sofa watching troy. at around 3 in the morning, i decided to be the very nice boyfriend and go down to pick you up. i was the fool.
out of the car you emerged. smiling. like a girl newly in love. giggly, esctatic. hand in hand, you two took a long walk up 6 storeys. i watched stupefied. i followed, like the guilty. and when i was sure i was out of sight, peeked about the corner and saw the two of you outside your gate. making out. kissing. making out. lip to lip. for a long time. so don't tell me he merely asked for a good night kiss. bitch. and i walked over. slowly. smiling in delusion. maybe denial, telling myself it could not be. and till i reached an arm's length away from you did you see me. "i drank a lil too much, ranon". fuck you.
make up your mind. a good night kiss before he got married that weekend? yes. he was getting married. or was it too much alcohol? bitch. i was supposed to be inside that house, behind that very door you were standing in front of, sleeping. you thought i was sleeping. you thought that i wouldn't know. you thought i was a fool to trust you that much. you thought i was a fool. that big a fool. what was i thinking? did you for one moment think about us? i fucking hate you. can you imagine the anguish, the huge emotional turmoil you took me on as i saw you tip toe to touch your lips on his, tongue clicking with his, hands running all over each other? fuck you bitch.
you fucking took 3 years of my life away and did not for one moment think of it when you decided to fuck around. i use fuck around coz tales have been told. truth or untruth i choose not to uncover, for i choose to think the lesser of you. no matter what i've done, no matter what we've done, it doesn't matter anymore. i've utterly no respect for you. all the bullshit i thought i knew of you, i no longer believe. your theories and outlook on life, the reasons why i fell in love with you, was a fake, a pretense, a facade. don't ever say you love me coz we thought alike. it's a disease to the skin to have anything about me associated with you. i don't know if what i know of you is real anymore. i no longer have faith in my judgement. i no longer trust myself. i can't look at you the same way as i used to. because of you, i take longer to trust someone. because of you, i'm extra careful with everyone.
but because of you, i've become unfeeling when it comes to matters of the heart. i'm a cynic in love now, as cliched as it may seem. because of you, i question myself even more. friends who come close, i'm more afraid to lose because i know i don't fit in, i don't belong, and i'm not worth the effort of knowing or befriending. because of you, i see my inadequacies. or so i think. i cannot trust myself anymore. like i said before, i've grown detached from myself. i watch myself from afar. from the sidelines like a bystander by the roads, waiting for drunken and intoxicated roadsters to run me down. to run over me the first time, then realise i'm not dead, and ride back once more over the limp and flaccid body, devoid of life or any form of fluidity. to press down the throttle hard, hear the gears shift in place, and ride off into the darkness, like the light flickering away to usher in the night.
you destroyed any form of self respect i had for myself. you awe me with your hypocrisy and falsity. you amaze me with the truths that i find out after that night. you disgust me with your words and actions. your fallacies opened my eyes to the truth, that you were not the soulmate you claimed to be. the kisses you gave were decay left to infest my lips. the "i love you"s were words spoken to blanket the lies after lies after lies. the nights we spent cuddled up on my bed, your bed, whispering sweet nothings to each other were mere nightmares of death and destruction left to haunt babies in their cribs. the touch of your skin was like, to put it into the army context, throwing yourself into bundles of concertina wire and barb wire, rolling about in it, relishing in the blood and cuts and gashes. it was all a lie you fucking bitch.
i don't care what's happening to you now. all i ask for is for you to just get out of my life. and to get a grip on yourself. degrade yourself for all i care, but think of those who cared, or did care. but for now, i'm just glad you're a distant memory, a faded photograph left to yellow in the sun. you were a tattoo on my body. now it's lasered away, and all that's left's just the smell of singed skin, crisp and burnt. scarred, but moving on.
the sweet waft of a burning flesh. i'm hooked.