yes, shawty got low low low and now you're gone were tunes from a year ago, and lava will always hold that special place in my heart because there were countless memories with you there that i still hold close to me. i remember we kissed just near the bar and you asked me if that was alright and i knew then, that all the reservations and uncertainties were ready to be set aside because there was no one else i wanted but you. i was sure and i knew all i wanted was you. and now i'm lying in bed at 5 in the morning and i can hear the birds outside and i remember doing the same in your bed last year as you slept and the birds were chirping away on the tree outside your window. they marked the changing of the seasons, and spring was full of hope and had lots of you in it. so yes, good times.

it's 4 weeks to the end of term and the second year's gone by so quickly. i need plans for easter. it's 5 weeks long and i was back home in singapore last year for the break and my heart was in two places. this year, it seems certain that i'll be here with no one to pine for. so it's 4 weeks of intense essay writing - 2 5000 word essays that make up 50% of my grade, and possibly a week in morocco where the sun and beaches beckon. i just wish there was a reason to make me want to be here because right now, jetting home to singapore doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all, i mean, now that there's nothing to tie me here to.

8th of february. it was overwhelming. it's the kind of feeling you get when you're standing in a massive crowd and this wave of haplessness surges over you. you're disorientated and your eyes are unable to fix themselves on one point, and the faces around you seem like a blur. you're vulnerable yet at the same time, your conscious mind keeps you in control. you stumble a few steps back, you turn your head left and right trying to steady yourself. you feel like you're losing yourself to the crowd and nothing seems to hold and then suddenly, you find yourself again.

that's how it felt like lying next to you that night not being able to cross that insurmountable distance. it was overwhelming just watching you sleep and listening to your breath, watching your cheeks go up and down. the familiarity was as intense as the palpitations of my heart. the echoes of nostalgia were ricocheting off the walls as you lay in slumber and all i could do was watch the darkness grow into light. it was a perfect fit and match and everything seemed to have fallen into place, except that this was an honourable act of compassion. yet, it was a beautiful moment and i wish with all my heart and might that nothing can take that away. but the truth is, it's long been taken away with the great twisting and kneading and knotting of the heart it feels like it's being squeezed dry of emotions. it's taken a nasty battering so now, yes, i'm exhausted and there seems no purpose, no point in fighting for anything when you know the end in sight. so i stop in time and that's all there's left to do now. just stopping and willing time away.

start talking to me now please


Nothing Compares 2 U (cover) - Stereophonics

second year term 2 week 5 friday. what does it mean to you? it's not the exact date but this time last year - first year term 2 week 5 friday, i was at a party i wasn't meant to go and i met you. the actual date's 8 feb. what does it all mean then? i don't know what it's supposed to mean to you and i don't suppose you'd pause to give it a second thought, but that chance encounter did change my life. so much has transpired out of that meeting bred out of coincidence, and it'd make me smile for days knowing that today you realised what it meant. so i've been locked up at home today musing over yet another much regretted drunken misadventure last night, not wishing to step out in the biting cold, not even for training, hoping foolishly and seriously groundlessly that there will be no such chance meeting today. you see, there's this fear now. it's less of a fear-of-heights kinda fear, but more of a fear-of-the-uncertainty fear. it's the not knowing and not being able to grasp onto something real, and the fear of exhaustion. so i'm hiding away hoping this will pass.

birthday party. refused to go but got dragged along by annie and the rest. sat around bored. drinking and waiting to leave. we talked. kissed. drank some more and danced. in bed, watching aladdin. went outside for a breath of fresh air to quell that uprising in your stomach.

for a moment today, i thought back on the times when we quarreled, and i remember the one in the library and we were arguing over the phone, and then you came over and we made up outside the library, on the benches just outside social studies. and there was the other time when i sent you an angry text in the morning for leaving me at home alone the night before, when it was i who in my drunken stupor asked you to leave, and then we set things right on the open field right behind the library. you were using your laptop and going through your spanish notes. and then there was the day when we were 'studying' in the library and fooling around with my macbook camera and we took silly shots and then suddenly you stormed off and that night it was over. i found the pictures by accident on my laptop a few weeks ago. how long ago they seem but they still bring a smile back to me because they each meant something. our lives seem to revolve around the library too.

so yes. first year term two week five friday was when all was set in motion and the stage was set for us. if only you remembered. if only you gave us a shot and then there'd be reason to celebrate something today, and on the 8th of feb of course.