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it's going down

my head's a wreck now. last night was wild till the point i lost memory of what happened. it started out with two jugs of long island. as disgustingly sour as it was, it was a good start to the night. jun ren and jacq came. never did imagine them as a clubbing couple. then more jugs came. 2 more whiskey dry. and another 4 more that i cannot remember. and 6 tequilla pops. think i lost it from there. i knew i was more or less gone after the long island, but the drinks just kept coming. and i just kept drinking. i did things that were wrong and embarrassing, and i closed the night crying outside with daniel and claud.

oh yes, happy birthday claud. and denzil, thanks for putting your life on the line for me. i'd have done the same for you, but i think you're much more sensible than i am and won't allow yourself to end up in such a sorry state. even if you did, cass would kill you first. and yes cass, i know you're about to kill me for letting your sweetness take the brunt and consequence of my irrational actions, but hey, at least you know he's one dependable and trustworthy guy. so love him even more.

i don't know what i'd do without my friends. i think i pissed daniel off terribly. and for the first time today, i felt like i had everything to lose. i rmb i went to his place to chill before taking a cab back to camp. knocked out on his sofa and before i knew it, it was 6.45 and he was literally chasing me out of his house. he was so damn pissed. and i did not know why. i behaved and did not utter a sound, but yes, he told me he had enough of my bullshit, threw me out of the house, and slammed the door in my face. made my way back to camp feeling like shit.

i told denzil the moment i saw him in camp, that i had lost daniel as a friend. and in that one solitary moment, i felt i had everything to lose. good friends don't come by that easily, and i was about to lose one. it was like losing part of yourself. part of the misery stemmed from the fact that i had become a burden to friends who bothered. i don't wanna be that burden. and i don't wanna bother them. i'm pulling people back. i'm already as screwed up as it is, and i don't want people who matter to me, to get sucked into the same black hole that has already gotten to me. i think i'm a setback to people who make an effort to look out for me. i'm a tiresome nagging at the back of their necks. having to look out for me.

i know it's fucking dumb to be sitting here and saying all these, and not do anything about it. but thing is, i'm trying my fucking hardest. i want self control, self restraint. i don't wanna be the one pulling everyone back like some sorry loser. i don't like that feeling and i'm trying my best to get myself out of it. i've failed so many times, and the only comfort i can offer myself is that it gets better. but i don't want it to get better. i don't want to even come close to it happening again. i'm sick and tired of failing people. and failing myself.

i don't drink as a form of escape. i don't drink out of sorrow. it just happens. and it's a pitiful excuse, but i do try to stay off excessive drinking. i've gotta figure out what i want in my life. i can't let it wither away, drowning in alcohol. i enjoy losing myself in that one moment, but not losing what i had to begin with. i wanna grab hold of everything before me, to enjoy the moment, the people, the things in their entirety. i wanna love life. i wanna live life.

think at the end of the day, daniel reminded me that friendships aren't made to be that fragile. it's more than silly mistakes that piss you off. it's more than giving up what you have for a friend. it's something that connects directly to the heart. and i'm thankful to so many people for helping me see it that way. jun ren, daniel, thank you. it stretches deep into the darkest recesses of your heart, deep set and rooted, and it takes alot to uproot it. losing a friend after succumbing to your vice robs you of yourself. you lose part of yourself, and your mind. i never want to come that close to such a feeling again. it's pure misery, especially when all that you've left now, are friends like these.

photos will be up soon, when i get home and grab hold of my mac. hinder's better than me is still stuck in my head. resounding.

“it's going down”

  1. Blogger clarefied Says:

    hey dear. it's ok lah. i was kinda pissed when i found out, but yeah. i know denzil won't leave you in the lurch. i wouldn't leave you in the lurch too. friends hon, that's what we're for.

    but then again, it sometimes gets a bit old. and like, yeah, i think that's how daniel felt lah. yeapyeap. don't worry about it =)) i'm sure your friendship with him runs way beyond that. maybe it was coz he was just feeling super tired. yeah. i'm sorry we left halfway, we should have been there to help you.

    we love you ranon (AS FRIENDS), and please stop grabbing denzil's ass kay. his ass is for me only =)) like how his abs are for me only too =))

    hope that made you smile abit =))

    love.