it all hinges on that first time. that first look, that first spoken word. and that first hug. and then it all falls apart when the truth emerges from that first sight, that first sound, that first touch. somehow it just went away. that burden and that load strapped to your back. you walk away praying so hard that this feeling of lightness doesn't stem from that momentary shock. you pray even harder that the weight does not come back. perhaps, you pray the hardest for things to go back to the way things were before - being just friends. that was how it all started wasn't it, and to let it all go would simply be too great a waste. so what are you to do when you don't know what's going on on the other side? you guess and triple guess and take blind stabs in the dark hoping that the knife doesn't come out bloody. i don't know if i'm over you. i really don't know, but the feeling when i first saw you since summer feels less angry, less needy, less frustrated. wistful perhaps, but not the gut wrenching anguish of before. so come back to be my lecture buddy and wake me up when the going gets boring. i still need you in my life, and i hope you do too. you were my only friend, so be that friend not out of pity please. life's going back to the way it was before slowly but steadily.

or so i hope.

it's good to be back. walking up and down earlsdon street's like a scene out of desperate housewives, minus the hot mamas. but it's nice and cosy and you get a true sense of what living in the uk's all about. i mean, away from the big city and into the smaller towns. my room's starting to look inhabited and is growing to become more like me so that's good. meeting up with friends as they slowly trickle back brings tales of endless stories of summer.

and all's that lacking now is you. i couldn't decide how i'm gonna feel when i see you for the first time since summer started. we've spoken twice in the three months that have passed and perhaps this silence was part of the plan to give us the time and space we needed. and i guess part of me wants you to know that i've looked back at the past year and realised how silly and childish i've been at times. there are things that i wanna do now to make it better. i was reading our facebook messages to each other and there are parts when i asked myself what made me say that. i need to grow up and that's what this year's gonna be about. i need to start acting like a 21 year old like you've said. but what's all that gonna mean without you, i don't know. right now all i wanna do is wait for you to get back, to see you for the very first time, and pray so hard that my heart doesn't quiver because yours may not. and that's when i lapse back into the hugest mistake i'm prone to and that's being presumptious. this summer was all about moving on and i guess i've tried. i've done all that i could do and it now simply hedges on that one moment. that one look. and you have no idea how badly i want you to tell me it was all a mistake.

in 8 hours i'll be on board a plane to take me home. is warwick home? i think not, but for now, it is. summer flew by fleetingly, and what was to be a long three months quickly dissolved to be nothing more than a glimmer. but what was accomplished in these three months put a nice ending to my first year as a student. i have travelled this summer - beijing cambodia and vietnam. i'm sunkissed like every well-deserving student in summer. i've gone back to work in the army, a job i've been terribly thankful for, and am immensely grateful for all the opportunities given. the reaffirmation and the reassurance given, and taken, has set my mind at ease for now. i've caught up with friends, some more than others, but getting to see them after such a long time, knowing that they're still there even when uni has started for them has made summer unforgettable. it's all about the people. i'm going back to start a second year now, and all i'm asking for is another shot at happiness and self-fulfillment.

i quote a scene from a show i shouldn't be watching, merely because it struck a chord in me. and maybe because part of me is still hoping that these words will be said to me when summer ends.

i haven't been able to get you out of my head the whole summer. i was hoping when i saw you, i would know that we did the right thing. and i don't feel that way. i don't feel that way at all. i miss that little laugh of yours.

i'm flying off in 5 days and i don't know how to feel.

someone dissed me publicly and openly in a newspaper supplement recently. and as much as i want to say that i understand where the writer's coming from, he has crossed a line that traverses an issue that i feel strongly and deeply about. in doing so, he has insinuated and questioned my capabilities, my character, my morals, my dedication, my commitment and most importantly, my professionalism as an officer in the singapore armed forces.

i am defined by many things, and one video does not mean anything. i draw a distinct line when it comes to work and my private life. so if you are telling me that a drunken video of me on facebook stumbling about and spouting drunken rubbish defines who i am as an officer, you are sorely mistaken. like you and everyone else in uni, we are there to be who we are, to enjoy ourselves for one last time as students before we graduate and enter the work force. i am like you and everyone else around you, so give me the space and freedom to pursue the life of a student the way i want to.

i know you're not only an officer in uniform, you're an officer wherever you are. my behaviour and my actions may contradict it at times, especially under the influence of alcohol, but if you know me well enough, at the core of it, my heart's there in the right place. so do not doubt me if you don't know what i have done. do not question my professionalism because i do my work to the best i can. do not think less of me merely because i'm trying to live the life we are all entitled to in uni. do not attempt to undermine my devotion to a profession that i strongly believe in, and am truly passionate and committed about.

the writer mentions that the internet (facebook) has made private information and videos like these privy to my superiors and my subordinates. if anyone has to make a judgement about my character, no video will suffice to make a strong enough statement if he/she knows me at work. so if you want to make a groundless accusation against my professional character, find out how i conduct myself at work. my dedication and passion is something i'm proud about so do not cross that line to suggest anything otherwise.