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Thursday, 26 March 2009 by ranon

exactly one year ago, i wrote this

a capacitor is an electrical device that makes use of electrical charges with the same magnitude but opposing polarities, and stores and builds up energy between two conductors. we are poles apart with dissimilarities so apparent, that we give so much to make up for this disparity. the energy, the effort, the restraint envelops us like a shroud and i feel the weight and pressure of it on my back. we're two electrical charges heading towards each other at the same speed of attraction, and what we're building up is being stored, waiting to be unleashed when both sources meet. i know my sunburnt shoulders will make me stand tall against the load that's bearing down on me, i'm just wondering when you will cave in. coz right now, you're eating away into my head like a disease that's spreading from my heart to my head. it is shifting away from the core of emotions to the seat of sensibility and under normal circumstances, these two faculties seldom settle for a peaceful coexistence. so yes. warn me before you cave in. tell me should you ever cave in. and set these two conflicting entities apart before they start the process of self-rejection.

it's just too contradicting to trust someone and protect yourself at the same time.

i cannot focus on my essay today because last year this time, i was back home, dying to be here with you. and now we're both here and there's nothing to be done together or shared. the undeniable truth is i miss you and all that we had. i thought it was getting easier since it's been this long, but it hasn't. so today, i'm listening to these two songs i uncovered from way back because they bring back such a refreshing sense of nostalgia.

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

looking at you, holding my breath
for once in a lifetime i'm scared to death,
i'm taking a chance letting you inside

words are failing me these days and maybe that's why my essay's not going anywhere. 5 days till barcelona. i need to start feeling alive again.

would it help if i tried

Saturday, 7 March 2009 by ranon

i can see clearly now the rain is gone,
i can see all obstacles in my way.

i remembered these two lines of a song today on the bus because it was sunny and warm outside and it seemed as though spring was upon us. they seemed befitting now that the weather's clearing up, just like my clouded head and mind. things have been pretty dramatic in the last 24 hours. but the best news has to be that i'm now president of warwick thai boxing. oh yeah. and it seems like it's going to give me purpose now and something to work for, and towards. it's like a new opening somewhere in life and somehow, i feel closure, although both remain totally unrelated events. seeing you last night and how unaffected you can be perhaps sealed the deal for you and me. acceptance comes with time, but what am i to do when the first person i wanted to share my good news with was you? in other unrelated news, i am tempted to do a summer term at LSE in international relations, especially when lecturers include michael cox and mary waldorf. and if my application with the army goes through, it could mean that i won't be home for summer. mixed feelings about that.

life's getting better now. i know it will. a close friend of mine at uni's totally shattered after what has to be the most unthinkable and most painful breakup. and you know how much they matter to you when you worry about them all day. i'm gonna miss uni and everyone here when i'm finally done next year. time just goes by so quickly it's mortifying. move on now people. amble on.

we can sail around

Thursday, 19 February 2009 by ranon

yes, shawty got low low low and now you're gone were tunes from a year ago, and lava will always hold that special place in my heart because there were countless memories with you there that i still hold close to me. i remember we kissed just near the bar and you asked me if that was alright and i knew then, that all the reservations and uncertainties were ready to be set aside because there was no one else i wanted but you. i was sure and i knew all i wanted was you. and now i'm lying in bed at 5 in the morning and i can hear the birds outside and i remember doing the same in your bed last year as you slept and the birds were chirping away on the tree outside your window. they marked the changing of the seasons, and spring was full of hope and had lots of you in it. so yes, good times.

it's 4 weeks to the end of term and the second year's gone by so quickly. i need plans for easter. it's 5 weeks long and i was back home in singapore last year for the break and my heart was in two places. this year, it seems certain that i'll be here with no one to pine for. so it's 4 weeks of intense essay writing - 2 5000 word essays that make up 50% of my grade, and possibly a week in morocco where the sun and beaches beckon. i just wish there was a reason to make me want to be here because right now, jetting home to singapore doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all, i mean, now that there's nothing to tie me here to.

it's been 7 hours and 15 days

Wednesday, 11 February 2009 by ranon

8th of february. it was overwhelming. it's the kind of feeling you get when you're standing in a massive crowd and this wave of haplessness surges over you. you're disorientated and your eyes are unable to fix themselves on one point, and the faces around you seem like a blur. you're vulnerable yet at the same time, your conscious mind keeps you in control. you stumble a few steps back, you turn your head left and right trying to steady yourself. you feel like you're losing yourself to the crowd and nothing seems to hold and then suddenly, you find yourself again.

that's how it felt like lying next to you that night not being able to cross that insurmountable distance. it was overwhelming just watching you sleep and listening to your breath, watching your cheeks go up and down. the familiarity was as intense as the palpitations of my heart. the echoes of nostalgia were ricocheting off the walls as you lay in slumber and all i could do was watch the darkness grow into light. it was a perfect fit and match and everything seemed to have fallen into place, except that this was an honourable act of compassion. yet, it was a beautiful moment and i wish with all my heart and might that nothing can take that away. but the truth is, it's long been taken away with the great twisting and kneading and knotting of the heart it feels like it's being squeezed dry of emotions. it's taken a nasty battering so now, yes, i'm exhausted and there seems no purpose, no point in fighting for anything when you know the end in sight. so i stop in time and that's all there's left to do now. just stopping and willing time away.

start talking to me now please

Nothing Compares 2 U (cover) - Stereophonics

find your way home

Saturday, 7 February 2009 by ranon

second year term 2 week 5 friday. what does it mean to you? it's not the exact date but this time last year - first year term 2 week 5 friday, i was at a party i wasn't meant to go and i met you. the actual date's 8 feb. what does it all mean then? i don't know what it's supposed to mean to you and i don't suppose you'd pause to give it a second thought, but that chance encounter did change my life. so much has transpired out of that meeting bred out of coincidence, and it'd make me smile for days knowing that today you realised what it meant. so i've been locked up at home today musing over yet another much regretted drunken misadventure last night, not wishing to step out in the biting cold, not even for training, hoping foolishly and seriously groundlessly that there will be no such chance meeting today. you see, there's this fear now. it's less of a fear-of-heights kinda fear, but more of a fear-of-the-uncertainty fear. it's the not knowing and not being able to grasp onto something real, and the fear of exhaustion. so i'm hiding away hoping this will pass.

birthday party. refused to go but got dragged along by annie and the rest. sat around bored. drinking and waiting to leave. we talked. kissed. drank some more and danced. in bed, watching aladdin. went outside for a breath of fresh air to quell that uprising in your stomach.

for a moment today, i thought back on the times when we quarreled, and i remember the one in the library and we were arguing over the phone, and then you came over and we made up outside the library, on the benches just outside social studies. and there was the other time when i sent you an angry text in the morning for leaving me at home alone the night before, when it was i who in my drunken stupor asked you to leave, and then we set things right on the open field right behind the library. you were using your laptop and going through your spanish notes. and then there was the day when we were 'studying' in the library and fooling around with my macbook camera and we took silly shots and then suddenly you stormed off and that night it was over. i found the pictures by accident on my laptop a few weeks ago. how long ago they seem but they still bring a smile back to me because they each meant something. our lives seem to revolve around the library too.

so yes. first year term two week five friday was when all was set in motion and the stage was set for us. if only you remembered. if only you gave us a shot and then there'd be reason to celebrate something today, and on the 8th of feb of course.

i'm not alright

Saturday, 31 January 2009 by ranon

10 weeks of work went on stage last night and i breathed an air of finality after the last words of the play - 'and i'm not sure i want to be married', were uttered. for my first theatrical production in warwick, performing with such an internationally diverse cast before a foreign audience, it was an exhilarating experience.

the culture project

a one world week + codpiece theatre production

The notion of culture is everything at once: colourful and mundane; confident and unsettling; obvious and elusive. Join us in this devised piece as we explore the topic in an intimate and subtle setting of the everyday life.

Witness the interaction of the multi-cultural cast as they depict, through physical theatre, their journey through culture in its stereotypical and nuanced forms.

i guess part of the experience was coming to terms with your own culture and what it means to you personally. but more importantly to me, the play was for you and you weren't there, and all i've ever been to you was to be supportive of all that you did. today i was reminded of what it was like to lie in with someone and do nothing with all this time in my hands and i realised how tired i was. my mind strayed away and i was selfish but my heart wasn't in the right place. i'm tired of all the chasing and loving and the committing. i don't have the energy and strength anymore and i think you made me this way. and now i know of things and i cannot see you in the way you were before. i can't find explanations to the lie i believed in so much when we were together, except maybe i chose to be blind to it all. all it says is i just cannot push on anymore and i've resigned myself to my lot. i'm exhausted and spent.

i'm not sorry there's nothing to save. i'm glad i held back those words.

we both understand that this is where we belong

Wednesday, 28 January 2009 by ranon

i believe in the present. i believe in now. the sayings of the old tell you to be mindful of what is to come, but what if being mindful means you have to give up on the chance to savour the beauty of the moment. what if thinking ahead means you have to let go of what could be the best thing you've ever had thus far? where is the balance that needs to be drawn to decide if letting go is really worth it? i don't need a guide to steer me in the 'right' direction because i am the best judge of my faith, and right here, right now, i want that happiness.

forbidden love or global warming?