you reel me in and i'm hooked. the sublime notion of attraction that draws me towards an immaculate entity. i flinch at your gaze, and i yearn for a response that will never materialise. for i know, deep down, your love's reserved for another, and mine's just asinine coveting. we share a language others don't hear, yet the words do not bind us. it's not a physical attraction, or the attraction of a comforting presence in the solitude, it's the draw of a mind so entrenched and in sync with mine, it's pulsating with an energy that craves attention.
i wished that we were kids, and then i could hold your hand and play with you at the playground. building sandcastles to the shape and tune of our hearts desires. climb up slides and see the world at our feet, we atop and alone in our very own right. stand behind you and push you on a swing and watch you go higher and higher till you block out the light, a canvas with the world as a frame, etched as a portrait in my mind. i'd look through the tunnel to see your face at the end, beckoning with a glow so radiant and intense.
i would pursue you but i cannot.
history hinders.
faith forbids.
dedication denies.
morals mitigate.
we could do so much together here. a lonely heart set against a satisfied one.
today i took a step back in time. an hour back in time in fact. as winter approaches and daylight shortens, we rewind time such that daylight hours are longer. Seasonal Affective Disorder affects 1 in 20 people, and is often link to a lack of daylight exposure. People actually start feeling miserable and tired and they also lose their sex drive. Treatment includes light exposure in a light box. Wow.
So yes. we're an hour behind now, that makes singapore time 8 hours ahead of us. it's amazing how this has never happened to me. there are so many things here that you'l never get to experience back home, i was rowing at the river yesterday morning, and i saw a flock of geese fly over head in the v formation. it was beautiful. the trees are changing colours too, and i really mean it when i say there are trees that are red and orange and are of shades in between. it's a muted beauty, a change that silently creeps past without notice, only picked up by visitors from a foreign land, intrigued by such beauty.
ok. it was johanna's 22nd birthday on friday. it followed a terrible gym session with rowers that have left me aching till now. bought flowers at tesco's for her with annie craig and his friend who kindly drove us there, while diana anna and matt busied themselves making the cake. ming came over and we headed to the hitch social where he found his potential jailbreak partner after a ten minutes conversation, one whom i warned him about. tsk tsk. hahaha. then we headed over to johanna's place to surprise her with balloons, the flowers and the cake. haha. and she made us cuba libre, which is essentially rum, coke and lime juice. haha. headed off to heat with ming and a few of the singapore people and partied till 3, which is very rare here coz they normally don't open till that late. haha. yee meng was trashed after we had like 5 shots of applesour vodka each. but it was fun. tumbled into bed at 3.30 and had to wake at 7 for training. omg. totally zonked out on the way there. and my head was pounding like hell, but it was a good session.
the cake the balloons the flowers. i never knew my hair looked this good. anna banana. bacardi black. unlike any other. the gang, minus matt the photographer
I can't be Losing sleep over this No I can't And now I cannot stop pacing Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still I can't be this unsturdy This cannot be happening
This is over my head But underneath my feet Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat And everything will be back to the way that it was I wish that it was just that easy
Cause I'm waiting for tonight Then waiting for tomorrow And I'm somewhere in between What is real Just a dream
What is real Just a dream
What is real Just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again I don't want to run away from this I know that I just don't need this
Cause I cannot stand still I can't be this unsturdy This cannot be happening
Cause I'm waiting for tonight Then waiting for tomorrow And I'm somewhere in between What is real Just a dream
it's official. it's the 24th. i've been here a month and i've never regretted taking that giant leap of faith. the thought of going overseas to study ceased travelling across my mind the moment i started j2 i guess. i lost interest in the books, i got sick and tired of people. i didn't wanna get caught up in the frentic and fanatic race for a scholarship and to do what rj students do best. it disgusted me to see people fight neck and leg for that pathetic affirmation that you've done well enough to be granted an overseas education. given, some did work for it fair and square. but there were those who tried so hard to impress, there were those who did things for the mere sake of building up a portfolio.
the army took me away from all that. with my screwed up a level grades, i was happy to settle with a nus business degree. but i met wonderful people in the army. it tore away the pretentious masks people had on while in school, all in the process of maturation. and best of all, i loved my job. i loved what i did and the prospects it offered. it made me for once, certain of a future i could see before me. i wanted a contract without a scholarship and they told me to fuck off, literally. so they made me try for a scholarship, which i was very skeptical of merely because my grades were a disgrace to rj, not that i've any particular form of affection for the institution. i got one. not the best one, nor the second best, but the third best. there are only 4 scholarships in contention. so yes. it was an overseas one and because i wasn't prepared, i randomly filled in my ucas form without much thought simply because, again, of my embarrassing results. and i got into warwick.
accepting the scholarship made me think hard about what i really wanted. accepting the school made think hard of what i wanted to achieve and accomplish as a student overseas. it struck me so hard that i was finally going overseas to study, a dream and desire i've nurtured since the days in chinese high. i felt a sense of accomplishment, of satisfying a dream i've had for so long, that was shaken and lost along the way, marred by events and people best forgotten. but yes. it was daunting.
it was a perfect excuse, a reprieve from the unkind words of home. of unhappy memories that persisted everywhere i went. on bus rides, in town, zouk, mos, everywhere. home. singapore was too familiar, too small for comfort and everywhere contained unkind memories to jostle my senses. i fought back hard, punches in the air, futile. the only thing holding me, grounding me was work, something which i would eventually depart from for my studies. i needed somewhere else to let loose the inner me, without worries, without the latchings of an unpleasant past. an escape to release the inhibitions and to perhaps, shake off the past like dust off your back.
i found home and inner peace here. in the last one month, i've let go. there are no reminders of the pain i once felt. there's no shadow, no glimpse of the monstrosity i left behind. the friends who stood by me are missed, and the food. but here, there's so much to do. cooking for one, is not anything i would worry about in singapore. here, i have to think of my meals all the time. do i have enough pasta? mushrooms? tomatoes? am i cooking dinner tonight? for how many people? do i pop a pizza into the oven? is it enough? what about breaded chicken wings? do i have enough juice? bread for lunch tmr? what does it go with? microwaveable food for easy lunches? it's on sale! that's the kinda things i've to think of now. in addition to schoolwork, it's amazing how much you grow here. i'm not regretting my decision. i'm free here, a lil ironic considering how i'm bogged down by such mundane issues everyday. but yes, the inner spirit's free. the mind's free.
i'm gonna do a charity hitch-hike thing from campus two weeks later with my house mates. we're aiming to go to istanbul without spending any money. we shall see how it goes. and matt and i are deciding where in europe are we gonna be spending christmas and the new year, afterall it is a 5 week europe trip. and we've to decide with ming how we're gonna go about hitch-hiking to morocco in easter. haha. and i've to find a house with ming and the girls coz we've to move out of campus in the second year, and we wanna get good houses early. so yes, my mind, my body and soul's free now. to explore, to reach out, to engage issues that would never have been possible back home. i'm letting go of the ugly past from home, and missing the happy and good ones back home. but be happy for me, knowing that i'm living life right now, doing all that i wanna do, and being the best that i can be.
17th october. craig's pre-birthday party since he was going back to wales on thursday for the weekend. house party with lotsa music and drinks. southern comfort and of course, baileys that never left my hands. haha. whole house attended. got pissed drunk but still washed up in case the cleaning lady bitches the next morning. haha. lights off, loud music, alcohol. how much better can a house party get.
family love. whitefields 12 way. with lotsa booze and kisses to spare. the cake. shaped like a penis. tasted fabulous, unlike how its appearance may suggest. wesley, maddie and baileys boy. i'm amazed at how tanned i still am.
15th october. a monday night that spelt top banana with brendy, jue and ming (in that order below). cheap entry (1 quid) and cheap drinks (1 quid). a night of apple cider, pear cider, purple, apple sourshots topped up with vodka thanks to american matt who was behind the bar, and sambucca, minus the flames.
party like a rockstar!
19th october. nights of alcohol that never end. first vodka and J.D at the year twos house near earlsdon, and then more drinking with matt and the girls back home. irish whiskey never tasted so good. pictures that need to be censored have not been included. ask and i'll give. haha.
22nd october. yet another top banana night. haha. dinner with jue. tortellinis with lotsa sauce and chilli and oven baked chicken wings. party with housemates. craig annie and maddie. not too much to drink. missed the midnight song, which i was so sure was gonna be wonderwall by oasis. flitted from r&b to cheese. cheese kinda reminds me of mambo. but infused with indie and house and r&b. have i said that pendulum is damn good. drum and bass. head thumping. haha
all dressed up applesour shots with vodka. best things on earth after sex. haha craig. eyeliner-loving boy. the party gang from whitefields 12! hooyah.
don't really know where to start about this week. just that school work's piling up and i've a presentation on monday and i'm totally unprepared. haha. rowing's killing me bit by bit, but it's giving me my weekly and constant dosage of an adrenaline rush. i mean, it's a structured training programme that goes roughly like this:
monday - circuit training tuesday - ergo (rowing machine) wednesday - rowing (at some river near coventry) thursday - run friday - ergo sat/sun - rowing if there is an empty slot
so you see, it's keeping me moving and preventing the fats from accumulating, although i highly suspect my face has grown fatter after my mother insists over skype that my face is now OVAL and not as sharp as it was. her most recent and heartwrenching comment on skype was "what happened to your chin?!" i was utterly depressed the whole day i tell you. devastated.
i think it's partially due to the alcohol, and speaking of which, there was a house party off campus at one of the year twos place and the usual group went. i don't have the photos but once i get them, i promise to share who these people are. so anyway, the party was good. drinks and pizzas and chips. standard white men food, guaranteed to make you grow fat. drank so much and had to gulp down shots with ming. and i had to swallow a raw egg for brenda, whom we affectionately call brendy now, thanks to jue. haha. cabbed back around 1 only to find matt, diana and anna still awake and drinking at home. so i gamely joined them and had more irish whisky to drink. haha. matt and i ended up dancing to lady marmalade without our shirts. the rest of the house came back to join in the fun. billy and i ended up rolling about the floor fighting like lil kids. haha.
had to wake at 7 this morning to head to cheshire oaks, which is this designer factory outlet 3 hours away from campus, that has almost everything except zara and topshop, my two beloved brands. and i blew 140 pounds on clothes! they were mainly for winter, the jacket and scarves. and i bought shoes! haha. quite a good shopping trip. i made the fortuitous decision to NOT buy my 110 pounds ted baker jacket and instead opted for a much cheaper, but as good looking one, and at the same time, buy 1 more shirt, a GAP pullover, and my shoes. haha.
came back close to 8 in the evening to watch the rughby world cup finals and england lost! depressing.
and i had to buy my rowing gear which cost me like 100 pounds lar. ahh. i better make sure i stick it out and endure the training and not fall out coz i'm not letting my money go to waste. haha. shit. so now, i'm a very very very broke student who has to survive on 191 pounds till the next pay day. sigh.
we're going to coventry for a dim sum lunch tmr. i miss my har kaw and siew mai. haha
house party was great. loud music, lotsa booze, great company.
whitefields number 12. hooyah.
music quietened down towards the end. they played hey there delilah by plain white ts. oddly, it made me think of home. it made me think of platoon 3, and how we used to change the lyrics of the song to suit our moods, often to drastic but hilarious outcomes. the times we had together as a platoon. the shit we went through together. it was a short 10 months, but you guys made a difference in my life. it reaffirmed my belief that the army and 36 sce was where i wanted to be. 36 sce was a home away from home, just as it is now. we started out as unfamiliar strangers, and we became friends along the way.
it's quieter here. there isn't that one person to turn to here, knowing that he or she will always be there for you. it's not like being back home, when you know that no matter what, they're just a message or phonecall away. you can't just call anyone here to bitch about someone you saw on the train or at class; or to simply say "i'm homesick. i need someone to talk to now". msn is comforting. but it isn't a 24-7 solution. it's no surprise people start getting together here. in search of companionship and a listening ear, to take the chill of a lonesome homesick night away. don't get me wrong now. it's not that i don't like the people here, or the environment here. it's beyond reproach. but the thing is, it still gets pretty lonesome when you want someone from home, or even someone here who's from home, to listen, and there's no one. especially on emo nights.
i'm not making much sense. i think it's the alcohol. an acrid mix of southern comfort, baileys, strongbow and red wine.
sometimes people don't realise that i'm now a student. as much as its true that the army's paying for my studies, i am a student now and i'm allowed my fair share of fun and craziness. so do not associate me with what i am in uniform. it's a separate and detached entity. i know clearly well that i do a fairly good job at work, or at least that's what i think, but right now, let me cast aside all inhibitions and do all i want before i return back to a lifetime of regimentation.
and what i do here, is all in the name of good fun, and laughter. this is uni, and we all have our fair share of unthinkable, albeit embarrassing moments. let me live my life in all its good natured fun because we're all here only once and NO ONE REALLY CARES. so indulge me. it doesn't jeopardise the reputation of the organisation, nor does it tarnish its name because everyone knows its uni and we're all out here to have fun.
so don't judge me for what i did, because i know clearly well what the repercussions were, and there were none, except for memories of a ngiht of uncontrolled fun and house-bonding.
i am a student now. remember that and remember it well because we all go through that phase. let me live the life of a perfectly normal singaporean student overseas now.
my thoughts were full of you as i walked along the mighty thames, mesmerized by the beauty of the london night. the imposing big ben, in all its grandeur and magnificience, offered some sort of comfort and refuge for detached souls as they walked the streets of london. its constant chiming reminds, and then grounds you back to reality, a waking of souls and the comeuppance of truth. i walked the streets with you, a ghost from a future that i can only envisage in the realms of my mind. along the embankment, the steely gaze of the london eye provoked me further, to ponder, but i dreamt further. its grace infused with a touch of modernity, rekindled a yearning that had laid dormant for 10 months. the detection of a faint purplish hint in the rushing waters brought to mind the fluidity of nature, the inconstancy of love and passion. a futile attempt to eject you off my mind, as i hopelessly thought of us, seated amidst the night sky at the highest point of the eye, taking in the sight of a home away from home. but you were not there. you were home away from home, and my thoughts brought a faint smile of bashful glee to a face that hasn't smiled as such in 10 months. yet, the truth struck knowing that love was not possible, that love divides and an attachment to home rejects love offered.
so yes. it was london over the weekend since cj, cpt alex, leon and meng tiong came down for Oscar Sierra. buddy came with food and love in tow, courtesy of an ever fussy mother. haha. crashed chor ming's place at the inter-collegiate dorm, that's shared by students from LSE, Imperial and UCL. went about london, did the touristy stuff except party coz i couldn't find anyone to go with, but what the hell, i enjoyed myself. didn't catch the change of guard at buckingham coz it was held on odd numbered days, or was it even? went to portobello market to scour around for stuff to send back home since it was my mum's birthday next week. caught the rugby world cup semis between england and france at a pub and england won! mwhahaha. that's home for now i guess. haha. but london was firstly, warm. and secondly, very rushed. everyone was rushing to get to somewhere, and it was so different compared to warwick where everyone literally strolls. there' s gonna be some getting used to when i get back to singapore next year. ok. photos are on facebook. too big to upload here.
it's the second week of school, but lectures and seminars are still in the introductory phase, but that doesn't spare me from the fact that i've a introduction to research methods presentation to give next monday, and a T S Eliot web search presentation to give on tuesday. plus i'm going down to london on friday and won't be back till sunday, leaves me with little and almost no time to prepare for them. shit. haha. and i've joined rowing and i really like the fact that they have a structured fitness regime to go through and hopefully, it'll maintain my fitness level while i'm here the next 3 years.
and yes, i've got a hair cut, as much as i said i wanted to leave it long, it was a spontaneous decision. haha
tell me it's not true. tell me my heart's not pulled now. just because it's not the best of times, and that because some things aren't just right to do. i'm not about to commit the wrongs that i've condemned others of before. yet, it's an innate tugging that has awakened such a strong feeling that i haven't felt in such a long time. was i numb to it before? because now, it's warmed up and it's drawing me into it. an almost foreign subject. an alienation and isolation of the heart is being refuelled and is pommelling back to life.
the differences are jarring. but what are they when you're in a foreign land? so much binds us together. it was comforting to find someone who understands the unease and the pain from before. and when you're in a land that's far from home, this draws you together. is it just the comfort of knowing that is drawing me in? or is it an unexplainable force that i've grown unused to, or rather, rejected after the last one failed?
show me a path and i'll walk it. take me along with you and we'll make the the loudest crash the softest whisper, and caress the innocence of the soul with the barest of hands.
it's been slightly over a week since i touched down on the soil of a country that once colonised home. many things have happened, new friends are being made and new things are being done everyday as we speak. introductory lectures have started and the readings have started streaming in. my politics lectures often leave me scratching my head, but i really like the fact that they draw so much relevance to what's happening around the world these days, and the hugeass bombastic terms they use like the "qualitative and quantitative analysis and study of individualist socialism and conservatism" is simply orgastic, to steal chew's love of the term. haha.
and lit is getting me all cranky coz i've like to read a book every week and prepare for the lecture and seminar the next, and this week's yeats and i haven't really gotten about reading it. i've read a handful and his poems focuses alot on the occult, the supernatural and the mystic which is really quite interesting, that is if i actually know what the King of the Red Branch is or have some semblance of knowledge regarding how druids come into a literary context. i always thought that druids were simply spirits living in the woods but somehow, they seem to mean much more in his poems. hmm.
so yes. trying out new things like lying down on an open field reading is something that has been done the last two days with friends as we made full use of the sun. i mean it's not very often you get the sun shining here, and it was lovely. clean grass, fresh air and a healthy dose of sunshine makes a perfect day to just sprawl on a vast expanse of grass and just read.
and there's rowing. just came back from rowing practice and my back and arms are aching. although we haven't really gone out into the waters yet coz this was the first training and we were using the rowing machines to refine our techniques, it was really great fun. but as always, i know my interest wanes like the moon and it's very irregular. hopefully, this interest in those huge oars and back breaking rowing will keep me hooked on to training the next year or so.
and of course, something new that i've done has got to be mooning. haha. and i mean not only to one person, but to many people. and i'm not talking about only people i know, but to random strangers who walk pass my place. haha. so the story goes that one fine wednesday night as i fondly remind myself that it's mambo night back home, my housemates and i decided we should all sit round and do some proper house bonding. so the best game to do that, was of course, cheesy "i've never" which when played here, means there are lotsa tales to tell. for example, one girl has had a threesome before, with two guys. now that's the ultimate fantasy of most girls there, and the ultimate disgust for most guys, or so i hope. and it was concluded that no one in the house was a virgin. erh herm.
moving on, so we drank lots and lots of smirnoff and strongbow cider, which i swear, the latter has to be the next best thing on earth after sex. and so we played and played and drank and drank. and we came down to one third of a smirnoff bottle, which i bravely allowed myself to down in i think, 2 gulps. so yes. basically, everything after that was a mess. to put it even more simply, i woke up in the morning in my underwear not knowing where my jeans were till matt from next door came in and told me my jeans were hanging outside on the lamp post. haha.
as more stories came in, it became apparent that i was sharing little ranon with everyone in the house, and to the people at the bar opposite my house coz they had a perfect view of my place from the bar. as well as everyone from the houses on my left and right, and to random strangers walking out of the union. oh man, and i was humping grass too. so yes. tell me what else i did not do. hmm. but, it was a good laugh and people i do not know are actually talking about it, which is kinda embarrassing. in fact, very very embarrassing. haha. some new guy who just arrived at warwick told my friend that he saw a korean guy flashing his little erh herm at everyone who walked by the house, and that he said he never knew warwick was so crazy. so yeap. i'm NOT a korean guy. i'm singaporean. and warwick is not crazy. haha.
so yes. plenty of crazy days to come i guess. tmr's the singapore society potluck and i seriously hope my craving for curry chicken can be satisfied. and i need rice!! i haven't eaten rice in the last ten goddamn days that i've been here! haha
so it's the first of october today and a new month's gonna start. life in warwick can only get better and better. the brits have moved in now after international orientation ended on friday, and as much as people don't really have much good things to say about them, my house mates are like the craziest and bunch of people around. the brits who moved in are so gonna turn the house into party central, which i'm totally fine with. haha.
so last night, to celebrate their arrival, we had a mini house party. and we started drinking at 5.30 p.m. no joke. the beer, the vodka, the southern comfort. everything. it was amazing and i was drinking vodka out of a bottle and that could only mean trouble. haha but i was fine. no puking. just lotsa fucking stupid stuff that was captured down on video. and i really mean fucking stupid stuff coz it was firstly, embarrassing, and secondly, disgusting. but it was seriously goddamn hilarious coz everyone had a good laugh. and now that it's uploaded to somewhere (i'm not saying it coz no one's gonna watch it except ppl who were there last night), i'm pretty sure people really did enjoy watching me frolic about the common area, spouting nonsense.
woke up this morning with a bloody headache, not remembering how i got into bed. i was fully clothed thank you. haha. so lil ranon stayed home cass! i'm answering your facebook question here. haha. had another party today and the music was so much like mambo! but it was also so damn crowded. they played songs like american pie, bohemian rhapsody, summer of 69, ymca etc. all the mambo-esque songs. so happy.
and i got a job with the union bar, that means i'll be serving beer and making and shaking cocktails after some practice. i know johanna's gonna teach me how to make cuba libre, the hottest drink in venezuela! haha. anna got the job with me too and we're going rowing tmr, i think. haha. classes start at 9 tmr which kinda sucks coz i have no idea how anyone's gonna wake up. haha. gonna head down for the job induction and then one last class at 5 p.m. damn.
signed up for my extra module and i'm gonna do literature in the modern world, and conrad's heart of darkness is one of the texts we're gonna cover. yaaay. very much wanted latin but my credits were capped at a max of 120, and since my compulsory modules clocked 90 already, i could only choose one more and lit was a natural favourite. haha.
top banana's tmr. praying it's not as crowded, and that it'll be fun. anw, everyone's out to find me a singapore wife in warwick after i told the gang how i intended to get married at 26. haha. so now they think every chinese singaporean girl i talk to first has the potential to be one. so if any if you guys happen to read this, which i doubt, i do not need to find a wife here in warwick. don't be silly and stop scaring away future friends. haha.
and i've posters in my room now. please check out the 'confucius says' because it's just so mother hilarious. haha
would love to show upload the shots here but it'll take awhile, and the time's 2.56 a.m. i haven't showered, and my lecture's at 9 tmr. dang. check facebook people!
