what's a spin? it's when you are made to hold your nose across one arm, bend as low as you can and go round and round with your eyes closed. you do it to simulate what it feels like after you've been punched in your face in a match. and then you attempt to punch your partner, after you've decided where he is and when the world has stopped moving around you. that's if you're not sprawled on the floor.
it's getting easier by the day i think. or maybe part of me's hoping you'll realise how wrong you were. i'm not gonna want someone who doesn't want me back because there's no point. it's been a good few days since i've decided i'm over it. this made one of my days though. lol :)
that's my room by the way. and that's string strung from corner to corner. a big hearty thank you to my housemates who constantly never fail to remind me that i'm never home and cobwebs grow.
i'm packing up and leaving it all behind. i'm sick and tired of this mess and now all that's left to do is to walk away and start all over again. i'm getting my life back on track without you. i am after all, mr g - director of performing arts. you're unassailable. an impregnable fortress. i am nothing like you. so yes, i'll walk on, move along, and pick my things up and leave you behind.
i am a raging lunatic and i need help. don't let me talk you out of it because i'm mad and unstable. you should never have done that. not with one of my closest friends. the one friend who told me that you and i deserve to be together, on that very fateful night. so no, don't try to talk to me because all this rage and paranoia and frustration is pushing me towards a nadir where the drop leads to nowhere.
why start anything when you weren't ready for the commitment? why make me step into one when i was all apprehensive at first, and so reluctant. and when i did it you stepped out so tell me what's fair here? i can't hate you like i should because you still make me smile the same when i was with you. because i stare at you from the corner of my eye even when you're just next to me. because you make my heart jump everytime i see you, and you make me want to jump into you all at the same time.
and i was foolish enough to believe that what was told would make some semblance of an impact. an impact that would have you calling me to ask how it was, seeing that you knew how big it was, and how important it meant to me. even if it was the next day. and it's now a quarter to 7 in the evening and all i'm doing now is waiting for a call, a text or even a facebook message to tell me that you're actually concerned about it. you were the one who knew about how hard it was and the difficulties that i was bound to face and i guess all i was expecting was that little bit of concern. i didn't expect a text message reading 'i'm fine thanks' to mark the end of it. surely there was more to be asked. so maybe i'm making a huge fuss out of it, but you were the first person i texted last night, because you were the biggest part of it, and i wanted to hear from you what you thought. i wanted you to share the joy of having the weight lifted off my shoulders.
i guess i'm asking for too much again.
what am i gonna do when the best part of me was always you what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're ok
what did you want from me that night? it was a dilemma. and the regret still sinks in now for not doing what my heart told me to do. you were so close. if only you made your intentions clearer because all i really wanted was to hold you.
and i feel like playing with fire just so you'd take note of me.
this isn't a poem by the way.
i tried extending my due date for hanif kureishi's the buddha of suburbia online and the university library website gave me this
it's less than 5 pounds goddammit.
i want a second shot. i want a second chance. i want to know how staggering you are again, where you'll amaze my simple mind and entertain my thoughtless musings. i want to be there for you when you're so stretched and worked up, even if there's nothing i can do, i want to just be there to hold your hand and nuzzle your head in my chest just so to comfort you. i could sit in a corner and watch you work with that intensity and focus written all over your face, and allowing yourself to be distracted only by me. will it ever go back to that way because being so close to you makes the heart throb so hard it's ripping. i steal glances at you even when you're at arms length. what's more painful is my refusal to acknowledge the impossible truth that part of me might still be in love with you. it took me three months to muster the strength to say it and it took you three months to end it. tell me then, why does it still hurt so much after seeing you on a night out and we make no conversation.
