i've been going in circles but i still get no closure. these dreams of mine are tantalising and immensely ingratiating and they seem to represent a repressed desire and urge for something more. but in these dreams, i am happy and like before, i allow myself to lose myself in you. that's two dreams in a span of four days. so tell me why this is happening because it's almost the end of the year and school's out in 8 days and i cannot have you haunting me. i want you closer to me and the thought of 4 weeks without you around is daunting enough although in these last 10 weeks of term you were probably as far away as you probably will be. some time next term will mark the one year we've known each other. funny isn't it, how all that doesn't seem to matter now.
how is waking better than sleeping when i get to hold you in the latter. i start and wake, and force myself to go back to sleep just to see you once again.
in other news, it's the second last week of term and i'm swarmed with three essays that are due next week. and then there's training and rehearsals. the first term's almost over and the speed at which it went by was shocking to say the least. everyone's still reeling in the dust of it. and now there's only the christmas break to look forward to and i'm off to morocco for two and a half weeks on my own. yeap, it's just gonna be me and my thoughts. i don't have a plan for morocco yet. i don't know where i'm going or what i'm seeing. that's the thrill of the game. the uncertainty and spontaneity, with no one to tell me what to do or where to go or how to think. so like i said, it'll just be me and my thoughts and my music, speaking of which, this week's current obsession is get cape.wear cape.fly. christmas in the sahara desert doesn't sound all that bad does it?
the last time i was this ill in warwick i had you to fuss over me. you force-fed me kiwis and multivitamins and specifically told my housemates to check in on me when you had to leave for the weekend. and now under medication, one dreams of you while in deep slumber and in these dreams we kiss. i enjoy the lull of medicine and the dreams my mind entertains but when i awake, the aches of my illness are still there, but the reality of life seems to hurt more. i still can't get the image of you and w in bed together because that very same morning i was tempted to walk into his room just to lay to rest the misgivings of the mind. i am a fool. an ill one at that.
today i told a little white lie because i was selfish. but would it matter when i say that today, i wished for the beginning to never have happened, so that the end, and today, would never happen. i could have held you in my arms forever and it still wouldn't be long enough, so why hold you in the first place? did i know loving you, then losing you would be so unbearable? because right now no one's ever coming this close again to performing an open heart surgery and a craniotomy on me. no one's opening me up and it's all because of you.
then you came along to set things straight like you knew what was going through my mind. and you reminded me of how much i know about you - sarah maclachlan, amy macdonald and damo. the consistency, not very much like what we had between us, so thank you for the flood of memories, and for the memories for me to look back upon.
have a safe trip home this weekend. i know how happy you must be.
and then we became strangers and don't even talk, except to make the smallest of conversations that seem to relegate us to hi-bye acquaintances. and wasn't that what we promised we wouldn't become? so maybe it is for the best that we keep this uncomfortable distance, but fact is it's as unbearable as the brightest light in the darkest night.
solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition, man is the only being who knows that he's alone
it's the thrill of being noticed that drives one to do things that leaves a horrible and guilty aftertaste the next morning. it's the want for attention but i'm not getting it from the person i crave for the most. so i end up in a semiconscious slumber, unsure of where i'm headed too, regretting every single minute of it while supplanting the face of a faceless stranger with yours. it's no wonder you think i'm a hypocrite, but all it points to is my desperation for you which you do not seem to appreciate or care about.
officially the worse hangover in a long long time. kings of leon's therapeutic right now.
i sat at the eighth row of the lecture theatre today and there you were in the second. the back of your head was distracting enough but never for once did i see you turn around to perhaps, look for me. i sat there and wondered, amidst Barry Buzan, Hedley Bull and The English School, what made this so difficult to get through. it was the commitment i had chosen to make when we started going out, because for once in my life here in the uk, here in warwick, i found something worth pursuing and keeping to. and commitment made me think about you, and gave me something to look forward to in life here in this strange land. the companionship and the feeling of waking up knowing that you're really not that alone, despite being so far away from home. even more so, i was moved by how true you were to yourself and the causes you fight for. i was humbled by your involvement in S T A R and W I D S and that whole experience in mexico. i was proud to be your boyfriend because you were a much greater person than i could ever be. so when you walked away, i could never find a reason to hate you or think lesser of you because you represented all that i could ever dream to be. two weeks ago i thought i could find it in me to detest you but you've only been able to make me feel inadequate and broken. i still find myself drawn to events you've shed blood and sweat for because each one of them represents a part of you i had once fallen in love with, even if it means giving up or missing something important. i do it to remind myself of what it felt like to be in love, and then losing it all before your eyes while i see you smiling in the glow of success. i'm happy for you when it all goes well and as planned.
every house party i go to i go in search for you because that was how i met you. do you remember that night? because i do, so vividly, every single detail of that few hours in that house, and then in mine.
the closeness. the tease. the lingering of your smell over my head and after you've gone. i don't say 'uh huh' anymore, maybe because there's no one left to laugh at me about it. i reluctantly lapse into these bouts of nostalgia. billou asked how i could forgive what transpired between the both of you, and he offered an answer. very simply, that i was still in love with you. nothing's real right now, other than the fact that you'll always be this distant. you probably don't even know that i care. or you're just avoiding it - the drama. it's not like you care. it's not like i'll tell you anything.
but there is one thing that i will tell you, and that is i'm done with my essay now at 4 in the morning.
today's the day. the sun's out. and the world's prepared for a change. today's the day the world's hegemon gets it's first black president. today the world is ready for barack obama.
i don't like this uneasiness, i swear it tastes almost like jealousy when there's no reason for it. because i shouldn't. and i'm not allowed to.
and only because i refuse to do any work in reading week, that these words speak to me from a show i thought i had given up a long time ago.
it was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life - direction, beauty and meaning. there were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them, but even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again, and his belief in god, in love, in art would be reawakened in his heart again.
but people always leave.
i come in here. and i sit in slience and hear the echoes of who we used to be. and so i wish for patience, and grace, and strength, to just let him be happy. and mostly i pray for the strength to not make his life worse for what i want. that's the toughest part, letting go.
sometimes i sleep in because i know when i wake up you won't be by my side
what or who do you think of when you first open your eyes in the morning. truth is, it's still you. how are you? do you miss me like i miss you? how do i get you back? and then another day without you begins.
the get out clause. to make sure that whatever i did, i did for myself and not for you. and that's the get out clause. so that when you eventually left, there would be no guilt, no pain, nothing. that was what was going through my mind before training. before i met you today, and for that split second together, it felt like it was back the way it was before. it was like needing glasses, and the green blob was no longer just a green blob. it was leaves. that changed my mind.
no to rejection. no get out clause.
some wars never end. some wars end in an uneasy truth. some wars result in complete total victory. and some wars end in hope. but all these wars are nothing, compared to the most frightening war of all. the one that we have yet to fight.
halloween came and went and i was hysterical. literally.
