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one month commemorated

it's official. it's the 24th. i've been here a month and i've never regretted taking that giant leap of faith. the thought of going overseas to study ceased travelling across my mind the moment i started j2 i guess. i lost interest in the books, i got sick and tired of people. i didn't wanna get caught up in the frentic and fanatic race for a scholarship and to do what rj students do best. it disgusted me to see people fight neck and leg for that pathetic affirmation that you've done well enough to be granted an overseas education. given, some did work for it fair and square. but there were those who tried so hard to impress, there were those who did things for the mere sake of building up a portfolio.

the army took me away from all that. with my screwed up a level grades, i was happy to settle with a nus business degree. but i met wonderful people in the army. it tore away the pretentious masks people had on while in school, all in the process of maturation. and best of all, i loved my job. i loved what i did and the prospects it offered. it made me for once, certain of a future i could see before me. i wanted a contract without a scholarship and they told me to fuck off, literally. so they made me try for a scholarship, which i was very skeptical of merely because my grades were a disgrace to rj, not that i've any particular form of affection for the institution. i got one. not the best one, nor the second best, but the third best. there are only 4 scholarships in contention. so yes. it was an overseas one and because i wasn't prepared, i randomly filled in my ucas form without much thought simply because, again, of my embarrassing results. and i got into warwick.

accepting the scholarship made me think hard about what i really wanted. accepting the school made think hard of what i wanted to achieve and accomplish as a student overseas. it struck me so hard that i was finally going overseas to study, a dream and desire i've nurtured since the days in chinese high. i felt a sense of accomplishment, of satisfying a dream i've had for so long, that was shaken and lost along the way, marred by events and people best forgotten. but yes. it was daunting.

it was a perfect excuse, a reprieve from the unkind words of home. of unhappy memories that persisted everywhere i went. on bus rides, in town, zouk, mos, everywhere. home. singapore was too familiar, too small for comfort and everywhere contained unkind memories to jostle my senses. i fought back hard, punches in the air, futile. the only thing holding me, grounding me was work, something which i would eventually depart from for my studies. i needed somewhere else to let loose the inner me, without worries, without the latchings of an unpleasant past. an escape to release the inhibitions and to perhaps, shake off the past like dust off your back.

i found home and inner peace here. in the last one month, i've let go. there are no reminders of the pain i once felt. there's no shadow, no glimpse of the monstrosity i left behind. the friends who stood by me are missed, and the food. but here, there's so much to do. cooking for one, is not anything i would worry about in singapore. here, i have to think of my meals all the time. do i have enough pasta? mushrooms? tomatoes? am i cooking dinner tonight? for how many people? do i pop a pizza into the oven? is it enough? what about breaded chicken wings? do i have enough juice? bread for lunch tmr? what does it go with? microwaveable food for easy lunches? it's on sale! that's the kinda things i've to think of now. in addition to schoolwork, it's amazing how much you grow here. i'm not regretting my decision. i'm free here, a lil ironic considering how i'm bogged down by such mundane issues everyday. but yes, the inner spirit's free. the mind's free.

i'm gonna do a charity hitch-hike thing from campus two weeks later with my house mates. we're aiming to go to istanbul without spending any money. we shall see how it goes. and matt and i are deciding where in europe are we gonna be spending christmas and the new year, afterall it is a 5 week europe trip. and we've to decide with ming how we're gonna go about hitch-hiking to morocco in easter. haha. and i've to find a house with ming and the girls coz we've to move out of campus in the second year, and we wanna get good houses early. so yes, my mind, my body and soul's free now. to explore, to reach out, to engage issues that would never have been possible back home. i'm letting go of the ugly past from home, and missing the happy and good ones back home. but be happy for me, knowing that i'm living life right now, doing all that i wanna do, and being the best that i can be.

“one month commemorated”

  1. Anonymous Anonymous Says:

    hey! realli glad to see u living ur life to the fullest=) u are being missed here singapore. clubbing experience has nvr been the same. hope things go well for u li zhi ren. heh.

    chew