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the state of mind

these are the words you will never hear.

you made me remember what it was like to want someone, and more importantly, you've shown me what it means to yearn for someone so badly, it makes your heart ache. every single day, i wish i could find in me the courage to take you by your hand and tell you that everything will be ok here, that we're away from home, away from everything that drove us from it, and that you will always, always have me here and we'll build our happiness together in this bubble. just you and me. it hurts being so close to you and not be able to do anything to show you the extent to which i feel for you. if only you can see that the everyday things i do for you mean more than they are, because they are. that the words i say are not what they are for they undermine the emotions that are screaming to say to you "i care!". i want to be the one you can always count on because the world has been unkind to you and i sincerely just want you to be happier. i've never just wanted anyone to be happy and it makes me happy knowing that everyday here plasters a smile, and possibly hope, on your face. i found my happiness and hope in you.

but i'm holding back because i do not want to become the person i hate, nor do i want you to become that person. and everyday i see hope slipping away from me because i know, and i constantly remind myself, that you're unattainable. your heart's given away and i will see lesser of myself for trying to take it. and as much as i tell myself to not be selfish, the heart is an entirely separate entity that will not zip up its emotions. it's unfair of me to laden you with the burden and the weight of an asking heart and i don't ever want you to bear its load.

there is a difference in having a choice, and having no opinion, and i choose now to keep you inside and seek a happiness in your face arising from the mere fact that we are friends, while i force a cheekiness back into my grin and pretend the world is a happy place where you and i walk down paths as distinct as they can get.

and those were the words i will never say.

“the state of mind”