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daddy doesn't have it.


i'll protect you daddy.

i still sleep with your shirt. i still go to bed looking at your picture. nothing's gonna change i guess. space        to save us the awkward tension. but you don't realise that i'm just holding on to the last chance we have together till summer break begins. walk out of my head and give me the space        that we both need to cover up. but not now. not till summer comes and 3 months of unbearable distance and isolation will give you, and me, all the space        . the thought of you with anyone else, now or in time to come, is unbearable. 4 months did feel much longer than it seemed. craig and j said they were watching aladdin tonight, all i could think of was the first night. i bought potato smilies at tesco coz they reminded me of you. queueing for the toilet at the house party 3 doors down last night reminded me of the first sight, then the first kiss. and now there's this space        where you once stood and it's an empty void. these last two weeks weren't how i thought they would turn out. i just want you to walk back in, even if for a while, to tell me we're still what we used to be. you walked away to avoid the inevitable, leaving behind what was unspeakably beautiful and special. you'll never see the beautiful because you're scared of the inevitable. and i hope some day you will.

i hope some day you will.

and only because i'm a self-victimising son of a bitch, stuck in a rut where denial and disbelief reign, tainted with unforgiving tears of unwillingness and stubborn refusal. i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you. i still don't.