what can i say
you keep telling yourself that you've to get over it but what do you do when you watch re-runs of grey's anatomy and they keep telling you stuff like
it's like one day you realise the fairytale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, may not be a castle. and it's not so important it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now.
once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. the rest you've gotta take on faith. and once in a while, people may even take your breath away.
that knowing is better than wondering. that waking is better than sleeping. that even the biggest failure, the world's most inextricable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.
friends need to draw lines but they never seem to do, and it is not my will to force it on them, but sometimes, you would think that they will be sensitive to do so like everyone else, or at least to see it from my point of view that it's not so easy to keep that distance like we wanted to.
it's conflicting, it's contradicting and sometimes i just wanna shout it in your face 'do you really care?!' because i don't think you do. and then you tell me it hurts when i doubt that you care, and all i'm saying to you is that if you did care, why does it seem so otherwise? why does it feel so otherwise? it's the last week here and i'm asking for a little more than phone calls only in response to the messages i send. like i mean genuine concern and genuine intentions about finding out how i am and talking to me without me having to probe first. i don't just wanna see you on random nights out because we make such casual conversation it's distressing.
talk to me like i mean something, as you claim, and not simply as a form of courtesy and formality.
25 June 2008 at 11:35
“It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”
I hope you feel better soon, although I know no amount of words could make you do so, and it really is difficult to be whole when you weren't so put together to begin with, but I hope you find your happiness someday.
Love.