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i am on your side

today's the last day of the autumn term and it just doesn't feel right. i remember how the end of terms used to bring this whole sense of dread and disbelief but this time round, that seems to have lightened up. family christmas dinner at home with a few others was nice and cheery, with everyone gathered around, yet somehow it still feels different. first term last year there was a reluctance for the term to end because it was my first term in warwick and it felt surreal knowing that i had survived 10 weeks of university life. the end of the second term was accompanied with an unbearable longing because on the friday of week 5 of that term, i met you and you turned my world around and the thought of not seeing you for the whole of spring break was unbearable. and finally, the end of the final term of my freshmen year was tagged with an overwhelming sadness of finality because you weren't there anymore and i knew that the three months to follow were to be spent thinking of and getting over you.

so yes, this term has come to an end and there's this numbness because i really don't know what to make of this term, or the start of my second year for that matter. i came back from summer praying so hard that you would have already walked out of my mind and heart. i thought it was easy at the beginning and then things happened and we eventually stopped talking and you seemed to care less and less. you became oblivious and because you were so determined to get over it, i pushed you away and what hurts the most was the fact that you weren't even trying.

so yes, i've done much this term. i am immensely committed to muay thai training, and i've met equally committed and wonderful people there who give me the opportunity to let it all out in training because each training session's a sanctuary, and as much as i tell myself to go into the room and punch and kick each pad thinking of you and all that's happened, it simply never happens because i cannot bring myself to. and then there's the play for one world week and its rehearsals and i've always wanted to tell you that i've told them about you but we never seem to find the time to talk, and i think sometimes it's just me being afraid to approach you. i'm reconnecting with the singaporeans this year and my housemates have been the most solid pillars of support - unjudging and sincere. i've been retaining the links with my housemates from last year and i am doing well, i'm growing closer to some and losing some - the ones i'm growing increasingly closer to empathise and we connect; the one's i'm drifting away from have you to blame, and i am not ready to go about making amends. but at the end of the day, i know they will still be there as will my current housemates and i know i should feel happy with the situation i'm in, but fact is, nothing changes the fact that you're not here anymore.

one third of my second year has gone by and christmas approaches and in this festive period, we give our thanks for all that we've gained this year. and so i will give thanks for the friends who have stood by me this year, for the choices that i've made to pull my life out of the dregs, and for my obstinacy. because most of all, i give my greatest thanks for having you come into my life and giving me love and hope, and for breaking it and then walking away and me understanding that you can walk away as far as you can, but nothing can change the truth that i love you.

“i am on your side”