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20

it's your day today. and i couldn't help but think back to the 27th of may this year. you made it different. i remember the surprise at night and the dinner that evening. it was special and for that one moment, i felt ready. i was ready to give it my all and somehow, i don't think any part of me has changed since that night. i'm ready to embrace the change because i had you and there was nothing else that mattered. but things are different now, and all i can sincerely hope for now is for you to enjoy your day today, to make it special and unforgettable like you made mine. just because you're different, and special to me. because if i had my way, and if things were like they were before, i want to be the one there with you to make it all the more special. the card you gave me has made the journey back home to singapore with me, and for the first time since summer started, i took it out to look at it and i smiled.

and i guess that's how i know you were different from everyone else who has crossed that line with me. just thoughts of you can make my day. like when i was on a bus home one night and i thought of your cheeky grin, that smug look that is so perfectly captured in that msn emoticon. i smiled to myself so foolishly i bet i looked silly. and although in recent weeks, i saw for the first time, the inevitability you saw, i refused to bow down to it because no one has ever made me feel this way, not even the one whom i spent 3 three years with. it's hard to put it in words the way you make me feel because you changed alot in me, and you released alot in me.

and for the first time ever again, you made me realise what it means to miss someone so badly it hurts. it's an overused phrase but i've come to understand what it means because that's how you make me feel. it's 16 days till i get back and if it were easter all over again, we would be counting down the days together. but now it's just a one sided affair. it always has been the case in the last few months i guess. just wistful hoping for a iron cast certainty. and i chide myself these days for being so foolishly optimistic and for dreaming up a fantastical future that is premised on my one-sided dreaming, especially since you've shown no signs of hope.

i am a slave to my dreams. so happy birthday.

“20”