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bang bang

and so someone asked me today if i've fallen from heaven, and yes i have. i said yes, it's like when you're asleep and you dream you're falling and you jolt yourself awake. just like that, at a snap of your fingers and you're back in reality. i have fallen from heaven. many times. this time might be the hardest, but hardness and pain is relative. it was painful a month ago, it's painful now. maybe not as much, but just as deep, like a stab wound with the knife removed because the cut's there, the gash's there and nothing's in place to stopper the flow, nor is there a tourniquet to cut off the blood supply to where it hurts most. so now all that is left to do is wait for it to bleed out and clot and seal itself back.

so yes i've fallen from heaven, a jolt so hard, so sudden and so out of the blue, so undeserving, so uncalled for and so impossible, it's hard to not want to fight your way back up the ladder towards the light. there's the self-doubt and the self-depreciation to overcome, but the greatest obstacle up the rungs would still be the externalities that you have no control over. an individual and a mind.

jason mraz sums it all up again in the same song, and that explains why i'll be brought to my knees when i see him perform on 3 august.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family.
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

cambodia beckons in august as i seek enlightenment amidst the wisdom of the wise, and ruined.

“bang bang”