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all this studying is getting to my head. i am almost dangerously convinced that i could possibly be leaning towards marxist writings, but it could also be a preposterous inclination towards a theory that has been the easiest to comprehend in my revision thus far. i am easily swayed. and pro plus does wonders seeing that it has kept me much awake in the last few hours as i struggled to draw links between history and politics, and find the relevance of the triad in international history that spans to way before the nineteenth century.

that being said, i'm writing my own history now, and i don't need a bunch of irreverent and possibly irrelevant theories to explain to me how and why this is happening. because life's history cannot be explained in the words of morgenthau, rousseau or kant. this change, and this progress if i dare call it that, cannot be reduced to simplified and general rules that attempt to explain human nature or emotion. some things cannot be broken down into terms for the simple-minded to understand because they exist on a higher and much intellectual, albeit emotional, level. and instead of bringing yourself down to the lowest common denominator, life, like literature, should cater to the appreciative few. doing what i want to do now, being who i choose to be, is something that cannot be taken away because that's what i've chosen to do. that's my own free will speaking. but sometimes, being critical and honest about it can set the most determined and liberated back by miles.

i'm not a hypocrite am i?