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state of sorriness

it was a short moment of folly that i walked away from before it got too far. i was a mistake nonetheless, with the unlikeliest of persons. and i am compelled to defend myself and attribute my actions to the influence of alcohol, but that would be incredibly irresponsible and seemingly self-righteous. i do not want to become a lesser person in your eyes, and i may have already done so, but i do not blame you. i blame my moment of weakness and my inabilities for this fork that's wedged between us now. being upset and disappointed is but only natural, and it's not an over dramatization when i say that you may hate me. for i know i would. i've been hardened to feel that way, but i thank you for not hating me, yet. i walked away. it took a while but i walked away because i know there could only be you. the depth and nature of us struck me the moment i said no, and i knew what we had between us was real. i could have kept it from you, hoping for the rest of my life that you'd never find out, but i couldn't bear with living a lie. i needed to tell you the truth because you meant so much more to me. and as i hear your disappointment over the phone, all i wanted to do was give a hug so big and a kiss so deep just to tell you how sorry i am. yet, you're too far away for me to do any of that and i have to resign myself to the fact that you'll never feel the extent of my apology. 4 weeks is too long a time to wait. get me a train to where you are now.

“state of sorriness”