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two things

point number one. never being good enough can be made tougher to accept with the fact that you want what you cannot have. and sometimes when you get what you really want, there's the gnawing reminder at the back of your head that tells you that you're not good enough and that you do not deserve what you finally got. but what is the point of all this rhetoric when neither is ever going to change or happen to you?

point number two. the smallest issues can have a predictive capability of foretelling the current state of change in the dynamics that you always thought were there right from the beginning. yet the slightest inkling of a shift can possibly be attributed to a personal lack of effort (and disdain for certain people), that was already picked up by yourself weeks ago but made no effort to remedy. it doesn't help when they decide to give up on a plan that has been set and planned for based on their whim and preferences, when you were all ready to give up on your own plans that were made with others to honour the tradition, and more importantly, the friendship and promise made. but what voice is heard should you decide to say something? the voice of a silent murmur perhaps because everyone is pretty caught up listening to each other's but yours.

things start falling apart because this apathy has grown in you and you start questioning yourself how it all came to this and then the sinking realisation that it could possibly be because of you, somehow doesn't surprise you. all it needed was a little effort and you failed. yet sometimes i think, all you needed was a little acknowledgement and a listening ear from those you thought cared to give you that push to reel yourself back in. but no one really did, and things just started deteriorating till they got beyond the point of reparation.

so yes, like a wise friend of mine said, being left alone is good and it doesn't seem like a bad choice to make now and to keep.

“two things”