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counterproduction

singapore society chinese new year dinner at some posh cantonese restaurant in birmingham today and food was good. portions were pretty small and the manager kinda screwed up the dessert so we ended up having mandarin oranges instead of red bean soup. haha. but we were compensated with a free flow of champagne and wine which was pretty good, so no complaints seeing that alcohol trumps desserts in my world.

there's this apparent disconnection with the people i thought i would grow to be close to. and it's even more unnerving knowing that i'm going to live under the same roof as them in a not too far future. it's an unfamiliarity and uncertainty that divides and it shames me to think that i might be somehow responsible for it. i also think i'm starting to insulate myself from the world they have grown into, such that i totally reject the others and allow myself to comfortably sit within their familiar company and no one else. lets call this world the old world, it's almost a dissociation of sorts and i cannot find myself an answer for my actions. 

yet i've developed a world beyond them and it's a world i'm extremely comfortable in. i tell the people in this new world things i don't tell the others in the parallel world. i feel more at ease in this world because the people here don't judge. it might also be because i see them 24/7. the old world's becomes almost inaccessible and it's disconcerting. i'm guilt ridden for even doubting and questioning myself how i'm going to survive my second year here with the exclusion of the new world. and it's not because i don't like my old world. i know i need them to keep me connected, to remind me of who i am and more importantly, they keep me rooted in every sense of the word. however there's this lack of a communicative relationship with anyone, and the only one who's ever came close to it seems to have withdrawn partially and i can only put it down to mistakes i've made. 

with this apprehension looming overhead and the distance that has grown, insecurity is inevitable. and it doesn't help when you realise that your blood stained hands killed what you had built. maybe i need to grow up and return to the old world because the new world's all young and have a different set of values/priorities/mindsets. but i love the new world for who they are and for what they constitute. they present a maturity and understanding the others might not see and it is undeniable that we do share common ground. 

so what do i make of the old world other than the unescapable fact that i need them as much as i need the new world? i just don't think they see it, and i don't make a strong enough effort to show it. 

“counterproduction”