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our name is our virtue

friday was phuture with chew and daniel. the rest pulled out so it was up to the three of us to save the night and make it last. but it was not to be coz the crowd was utterly terrible, and there was no breathing space on the dance floor at all, which was surprising for a friday night. think i'm just gonna stick to wednesday nights. mambo rocks and nothing comes close.

then it was back to camp with daniel coz he was on standby and i was DO. spent the earlier part of the morning talking to ben about life in warwick and what to expect, before i finally dozed off into slumberland. the rest of the afternoon was spent watching vcds with daniel in the bunk, which was ruefully interrupted coz the SOL dude had to report to me every two hours, which started to get on my nerves after the first four hours in the morning. haha.

today was spent much more eventfully. handed over duty to the newly promoted CPT eric early before heading to pulau senang with warrant eric for the live firing recce. west coast ferry terminal is like a million light years away from selarang camp lar. linked up with cpt alex and the other 3 team commanders before moving off in a fast craft, during which my pc and julian downed some pills to combat sea sickness, bad memories from the training last week i think. haha. pulau senang brought back memories of my cadet days during the eod course. now taking a walk about the island, taking in the view of the training ground in its totality from the highest knoll sent a warm shudder, if that's possible, down my back as it reminded me of how far i've come, that i'm no longer a trainee, and that i've moved beyond that. being attached to the training cadre for their live firing will give me another opportunity to meet up with some of the cadets, and hopefully i'll be able to share with them what i've learnt in my last 7 months in 36 sce.

finished the recce around 11 and rushed home to shower and then headed to town for lunch with my delta section mates. haha. the safos-scholar-cum-future-general was back from the uk and attendance was pretty good. 8 out of 10. remarkable. lunched at wisma's ding tai fung, followed by desserts at the big O at wheelock. i swear the O stands for orgasm, this following the debate that was sparked at the table. haha. with food names like 'aphrodisiac' and 'love bug' and 'gotham split', what were we to think?! sexual innuendos abound, we asked the waiter what the O stood for, and he simply said that it was related to some cake or brownie of theirs. all i could think of was what went into the cake. gross.

walked around for abit with max and shawn, before meeting up with dex and jet. shopped for shoes and i bought new ones, finally. had dinner at far east and finally proceeded to lido to drown ourselves in potter mania! haha. it was pretty disappointing i guess. the action was kinda limited and i felt there were many elements of the book that were left out. potter wasn't as brooding or angsty like how rowling made him out to be, perhaps not as expressive in his frustration as the book portrayed. it was darker, granted, yet it lacked the punch that i had been anticipating. many characters were left out this time round, characters worth expounding on. people like snape and even dumbledore. even the resurrected voldermort deserved a lil more air time. on the whole, it was ok i guess, just a lil disappointing. not every book can be recreated so perfectly onto reel, something which lord of the rings achieved. hopefully book 7 does the anticipation some justice when it's finally released on saturday.

bumped into an ex classmate of mine at lido too, and it was an awkward moment i guess, considering i've been trying to avoid contact with most of my ex classmates after all that has happened, what with the break up and law school and the rumours that have been going around. it's not exactly the nicest of things. you so badly wanna set things right but the words just don't come out that easily. making the first approach just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. i think i've been avoiding the issue, but i don't wanna answer anyone now. let them judge me if they want to. if after being classmates with them after 2 years means anything, they should know better than to blindly allow the rumours to propagate. it gets disappointing i guess, but it's about learning to live with disappointment that makes you a stronger person.

suba once told me that i'll never be a teacher coz i can't take criticism. i used to agree with her, the part about taking criticism. call me self-conscious, call me sensitive, but that was me then. i think the army taught me that being discussed about behind your back's all part and parcel of life. no amount of defensive retorts will set things right, as hard as you try. becoming an instructor, playing the bad guy meant that i had to be prepared for any harsh criticisms that ensued. true enough, it came raining down on me. "there's a fine line between stupidity and garangness" and "childish" were perhaps the harshest, and the only criticisms that came from the cadets. i accepted them because firstly, i knew what i was doing and that the end product was for the better of them. sometimes, they don't see what you see till they are in your shoes and it's something that the instructors generally agree. what may seem stupid to the cadets now, will unfold into sensibility in time to come. secondly, this formed a minority of the feedback gathered and the majority were all pretty positive and encouraging. i knew that i couldn't please everyone and from the onset, i told myself to do my best and as long as we achieved what we as instructors had set out to do, nothing else mattered. bottomline is, accept that it is never possible to gain everyone's favour, and as long as i did what i did with the professionalism of an officer/instructor, i cannot be faulted.

yet, when it comes to something so personal, i don't know what to do. avoiding them seems like the only way, no matter how foolish it may be, i don't want a confrontation with friends whom i've been classmates with for two years. it seems so awkward, broaching the subject with them. let them think what they choose to think, let x poison them with whatever vile venom she chooses to spew from her mouth, i'll just move on and find myself solace and comfort in the wintry nights of warwick. for now, there are friends who have known me for a much shorter time than the ex classmates, but can somehow see me for who i really am, friends whom i know will not be swayed by the foul language of "the word of mouth".

“our name is our virtue”