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weekly staple

this seems to be a weekly thing, me sitting in cj's office waiting to go for mambo, and blogging away, listening to 987 playing in the background. ok. neyo's because of you is playing and all i can think of is denzil getting all excited when this song plays in the office and he'll be all giggly, squealing in delight "that's her favourite song". haha.

so yes. holiday plans with chew andre and marcus is finally taking form. 4 days 3 nights in bangkok, shopping and eating and just partying all night long seems like a perfect way to get away from the drudgery of everyday life here in singapore and in camp. it's a lil celebration before i fly off to uk in september. a reward to myself perhaps. haha. we're booking the hotel and flight tmr after pk and james confirm their attendance. haha.

i've been in my PT attire since this morning and i think i'm reeking to high heaven. conducted ippt in the morning and ran with andre and the rest. almost there andre. almost there. 7 seconds! then we had mask training and we played soccer wearing the stupid mask. i think within 5 minutes, we were all heaving and panting like the air was being sucked out of us. the mask seriously restricts the all essential process of respiration, and it doesn't help when it's wrapped so tightly around your face and your vision's impaired by the two pieces of triangular lens. and it's so heavy your face droops almost naturally i tell you. after that, went to the gym with cpt alex before having dinner at the mess. my body's aching all over. and there's more action tonight, what with the clubbing and all. haha. dance dance dance.

now, let me slip into the pensive and emo mood that has become a constant companion the last few days.

x seems to have moved on pretty well. but, she says she's been taken on a ride by this new guy, although they've been together for like a month and a half. and she has expressed her disappointment that he's not like me at all. she says the comparisons are inevitable and that she would always pre-empt his responses and he'd give her some unsatisfactory reply because she'd imagine how i would reply her. she claims that when things happen between the both of them, she cries because she's reminded of us, and she lies to him.

and i think after reading all that, i think i might be guilty of some of it. i know i claim to have moved on, and i choose to think that way because i know that there is nowhere in my heart for her to set her foot upon. yet, i know that i inadvertently commit what she is guilty of. i seek her reflection in the things people say and the things people do. i'm unsatisfied when they don't match up
because i know that i've had better. i'm afraid of using her as a benchmark because she's not that perfect. i wanna give everyone that same fair chance of being judged for who they are, and not for what they cannot match up to be. i'm selfish and i agree.

it's been 7 months, and that's a very very long time to get over someone. it's a juxtapostion. a dilemma. a paradox. what it claims it cannot, and must not be. i know i hate her as hell, yet i know deep down in me, part of me wants to be remembered, part of me wants to know that she's still there somehow. it's a comforting presence, yet at the very same time, it's haunting and ghastly. choosing to think the lesser of her doesn't help. and i know there's this sourness that somehow seeps into me when i find out about the things and the intimacy the two of them share, because i know i've owned that before, and now i'm left with nothing. it's a sour feeling that shouldn't be. i'm a loser and a cynic now. this attention of opposites that surrounds me is tearing and pulling me both ways. it's disconcerting and definitely unappreciated.

move on ranon.

stop it ranon.

wake up ranon.

wake up.

“weekly staple”