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fluidity

i just reached home from making a new pair of specs after the sad demise of my last pair, which happens to be one of my favourite pairs of all time. it died a premature death after a short lived life of merely 6 months. i intend to write an epitaph for it but thought otherwise for fear that the new one might not sit well with me. haha.

ok. so the new one's arriving in 2 hours and i've gotta hop across the road to pick it up. at least it'll save me the horrifying embarrassment of having to wear the fugly black ones that somehow managed to miraculously survive bmt and ocs. it also, i would like to say, never saw the light of day since i commissioned. it's revival would only mark the start of socjot in brunei on july second.

speaking of which, i went down with heng today to nee soon to do the tsr test for socjot and fill in the application forms. at least there'll be some good company around, although the presence of a certain unpleasant member from my cadet days might mar the whole experience. however, the few of us have strong faith and belief that we'll be able to surpress his urge and irrepressible desire to take the lead. and i swear that if he ever tries to boss me around, i'm gonna wring his neck.

so well yar. i had the miso chicken thing from kfc for dinner just now and i was eating at the outlet near my house, which is just a 5 minute walk down the road. the last time i ate there was with x the morning after comms parade. it was a sunday, and she was sleeping and i poked her from her sleep and dragged her there coz i was starving. and i remembered how we sat at the cushioned sofas and when we stood up to leave, my head struck the lamp that was hanging overhead and everyone turned to stare. how unglam. haha. but those were memories from a past that has grown yellow with age. 7 months.

you claimed that i did not love you enough, and that i always took you for granted. you accused me of being heartless and unfeeling by walking out on you after that night. i don't know what you want from me. i know we had our fair share of quarrels and fights, alot of which got out of hand and some didn't end up nice, but i didn't deserve what you did to me that early morning of december the fifteenth. i gave my best and i gave it my all. you sapped the life out of me, i channelled all that was in me onto you. now you leave behind a mere shell of what i used to be.

i want to find it in my heart to forgive you. i want to be able to take you out to dinner with no feeling of vindication and just sit you down opposite me to just eat and talk like old friends. i believe we have so much to say to each other. we used to believe that we were soulmates, and that we were each other's bestest bestest friend because no one could understand us like we understood each other. how mistaken we were. how misled we were. how self delusional we were. yet, i know we have so much to say to each other. i can't believe what big fools we were. the holes were gaping and simply in our face, but we never really dared to face it. we avoided it and made detours around it, only to end up where we started off, at the edge of a maelstrom waiting to fall victim to its vicious and malicious appetitie.

i've so many things i wanted to tell you.

i wanted to tell you the first time i laid my eyes on you at the uwc camp, you were beautiful.

i wanted to tell you the night that we spent out under the stars at the very same camp, was the start of our trek across the heavenly maps.

i wanted to tell you the first kiss that transpired between our lips on the roof of the esplanade, left a lingering and sweet yearning for more to come.

i wanted to tell you that the late night movies at causeway point, was something i could have done for a lifetime.

i wanted to tell you that having you next to me on the day i commissioned, was something that made me see that life was complete. finally.

i wanted to tell you that running around singapore with you to raise funds for youth challenge, was a race against ourselves that shook the world that Atlas holds upon his back.

i wanted to tell you that everytime we went down to Redhill to visit the old folks there, i couldn't help but see us graying together and promising each other never to die before the other does, for the pain would be unbearable.

i wanted to tell you that the dinners you whipped up after school each day, was something i could eat for years on end, no matter how terrible they turn out to be.

i wanted to you that the single mattress that housed the two of us for 3 years, was the warmest shelter the world could offer to the weary soul.

most importantly, i wanted to tell you i hate you for giving it all up.

i now want to tell you that you've become hideous. you broke away from our journey across the terrestrial planes. you make me want to spit venom at the memories of the kisses that we shared. you make me see there is nothing that can be kept for a lifetime. you make me see how incomplete life is, even with the sword that i hold that bears the pride, honour and dignity of the corps. you make me never wanna run a race with anyone so close at hand. you make me see a gray and bleak future, without companionship and being all alone. you make me never want to touch anything your hand and heart produces. you make me see that no shelter could provide the warmest shelter the frozen arctic offers.

so therefore, i conclude, i hate you and no words you offer can exonerate you from the unspeakable things you've done.

so yes. i'm pretty sure we'll do fine at a dinner together.

“fluidity”

  1. Blogger the lethal cynic Says:

    hey you. i know you've been at it for ages. im sure once you've touched uk soil, you'll find strength in closure, and forgiveness. to not hate, but to be accepting. most of all, you'd find yourself again. you're moving along quite fine. don't step backwards now. :))

    qian.

  2. Blogger Cassandra Ng Says:

    I LOVE YOU LESBIAN LOVER! *showers ranon with lotsa lurve*

    hope that made you smile. teehee.