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contemplation

facebook does wonders as much as i'm new to it all. found photos from rj on ex classmates' photo albums and man, i really miss those days. yet, the two years in rj seemed more like an almost unpleasant flash that left a bitter sour aftertaste rather than it being the time of my youth. i feel like i've grown distant from the friends i made there, or maybe because i wasn't that close with them there to begin with. i look at the photos and remember some of the happier moments we shared there, of being involved and being part of the big rj family. yet, break away the false pretences and facades of friendships, and you get sheer cold and remote strangeness.

i mean i've made much closer and better friends in the last one and a half years in the army, compared to my 2 years in rj. that says alot. the people in rj weren't those whom i could sit with and share everything that was on my mind. it was a lonely two years that could only be redeemed by the fact that i had x, who has repaid that debt by allowing us to go our separate ways last year. and that is partly why i hate her so much, for taking away that two years of my life in rj. yes, there were those who tried and they're still there even up till now. but nowadays, the feeling just becomes even more distant.

there were friends, yes there were. yet things have changed now and i don't wanna face them. i don't wanna answer questions, i don't wanna be talked about and i don't wanna be discussed. they give you the feeling that you're being smiled over, and that whatever words they may offer are but mere words of pacifications. maybe it's just me, not being able to stand being talked about. i don't have faith in these friends because i feel like i don't know them, surprisingly. yet, i cannot dismiss the laughter and the 2 years and all the smiles that were shared coz they did matter. karl, vid, jo, suba, zheng, amrita, anna, glenda. but things are different now, even more so after the break up with x, what with law school and all the heresay. how do i face up to it and them?

but all is not lost i guess. we still talk and all, but now it's fragmented and distorted. i don't know what to do about it, and i don't wanna start. some things should be left as it is. let sleeping dogs lie as they say. some things cannot be rectified. in the cornucopia of feelings and friendships. we just smile and look past what is holding us back and move on to the issues that have actually seeped through the cracks. some things will allow time and nature to right itself, lets hope these resolve themselves before i fly off.

i won't say much.









“contemplation”