I love bus rides. It makes me sit and ponder about life and anything else that happens to pass my mind.

The bus ride back home today was thus like any other ride. And all of a sudden, I felt this emptiness, this hollowness. I was reminded of what I did not have, and how there was this void that constantly surrounds itself around me. It left a heartwrenching sourness that made it almost hard to bear. I look around me and see the people close to me fill their life with so much activity and laughter and I’m sinking myself in solitude, waiting for any opportunity of companionship to jump at like some desperate and depraved soul.

I looked out of the window as I neared my block and I see a couple holding hands, laughing and dancing across the road towards the blinking green man. They looked like us back then, and I couldn’t help but think of how life was like before, when I booked out from ocs or eti and came home to see you waiting for me in my room. We’d pop by the coffeeshop down the road for dinner or supper, rent some vcds and take a slow walk back home. Sometimes we’ll have my mp3 player in between us and we’ll be singing so loudly cyclists who pass us throw us disconcerting looks. And we’ll snack back at home again and watch mindless shows on tv before snuggling up in bed. We’ll wake up the next day and find out it’s Sunday, and I’ll always wake up before you do and you never knew how I would just lie next to you and stroke your hair and face, and watch that cherubic face of yours smile as you slept on. That was the life that I’d envisioned for us to keep for many years to come.

Life was always filled and occupied with you around. It got stifling at times, but the comfort derived from knowing that you were always there for me made it so much better. Your little nuances, every effort you made to make me feel loved and wanted as I got through life in the army was all that I could ask for. Yet now, it’s all gone and non-existent. I live a life with almost no hope, and nothing to look forward to now. We shared a life together once, you don’t expect me to share one with friends now do you? They live their own lives and I don’t fit into the equation. It was you and me for 3 years of my life. Where do I head to now? You left me in the lurch to cope with everything and to pick up the pieces by myself while you just walked away.

So thank you for providing me with this opportunity to truly take in the taste of isolation and seclusion and loneliness and solitude. they all mean the same thing don’t they? The pain and anguish of living behind this façade that everything’s alright and plaster smiles on my face that normally holds no emotions behind closed doors. I thought it would be contagious, the laughter and the companionship, by immersing myself in the company of the loved, the enjoyed, the happy. It was temporary. It took you away from the downhill of things as they nudged you up slope, and without gaining enough momentum, you start falling back down. I’m sliding back down.

my phone's silent. it doesn't ring and buzz with the constant ebb and flow of a presence that comforts. or presences if there's such a word. i'm filling in the space with whatever i can find. the friends that i try to cling on to, the work that i try to pull myself though, the activities i do to numb myself with. it's a dodgy life in every sense of the word. unaccomplished. unsatisfying. shady and just wrong.

i need something to hold on to. let that something be the dreams i dream on bus rides home.

This entry was posted by ranon, on Saturday 9 June 2007. You can leave your response.