nothing goes away

pokerface

2009-03-26T16:34:00.006Z

exactly one year ago, i wrote this

a capacitor is an electrical device that makes use of electrical charges with the same magnitude but opposing polarities, and stores and builds up energy between two conductors. we are poles apart with dissimilarities so apparent, that we give so much to make up for this disparity. the energy, the effort, the restraint envelops us like a shroud and i feel the weight and pressure of it on my back. we're two electrical charges heading towards each other at the same speed of attraction, and what we're building up is being stored, waiting to be unleashed when both sources meet. i know my sunburnt shoulders will make me stand tall against the load that's bearing down on me, i'm just wondering when you will cave in. coz right now, you're eating away into my head like a disease that's spreading from my heart to my head. it is shifting away from the core of emotions to the seat of sensibility and under normal circumstances, these two faculties seldom settle for a peaceful coexistence. so yes. warn me before you cave in. tell me should you ever cave in. and set these two conflicting entities apart before they start the process of self-rejection.

it's just too contradicting to trust someone and protect yourself at the same time.

i cannot focus on my essay today because last year this time, i was back home, dying to be here with you. and now we're both here and there's nothing to be done together or shared. the undeniable truth is i miss you and all that we had. i thought it was getting easier since it's been this long, but it hasn't. so today, i'm listening to these two songs i uncovered from way back because they bring back such a refreshing sense of nostalgia.

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

looking at you, holding my breath
for once in a lifetime i'm scared to death,
i'm taking a chance letting you inside

words are failing me these days and maybe that's why my essay's not going anywhere. 5 days till barcelona. i need to start feeling alive again.

would it help if i tried

2009-03-07T01:51:00.002Z

i can see clearly now the rain is gone,
i can see all obstacles in my way.

i remembered these two lines of a song today on the bus because it was sunny and warm outside and it seemed as though spring was upon us. they seemed befitting now that the weather's clearing up, just like my clouded head and mind. things have been pretty dramatic in the last 24 hours. but the best news has to be that i'm now president of warwick thai boxing. oh yeah. and it seems like it's going to give me purpose now and something to work for, and towards. it's like a new opening somewhere in life and somehow, i feel closure, although both remain totally unrelated events. seeing you last night and how unaffected you can be perhaps sealed the deal for you and me. acceptance comes with time, but what am i to do when the first person i wanted to share my good news with was you? in other unrelated news, i am tempted to do a summer term at LSE in international relations, especially when lecturers include michael cox and mary waldorf. and if my application with the army goes through, it could mean that i won't be home for summer. mixed feelings about that.

life's getting better now. i know it will. a close friend of mine at uni's totally shattered after what has to be the most unthinkable and most painful breakup. and you know how much they matter to you when you worry about them all day. i'm gonna miss uni and everyone here when i'm finally done next year. time just goes by so quickly it's mortifying. move on now people. amble on.

we can sail around

2009-02-19T04:11:00.003Z

yes, shawty got low low low and now you're gone were tunes from a year ago, and lava will always hold that special place in my heart because there were countless memories with you there that i still hold close to me. i remember we kissed just near the bar and you asked me if that was alright and i knew then, that all the reservations and uncertainties were ready to be set aside because there was no one else i wanted but you. i was sure and i knew all i wanted was you. and now i'm lying in bed at 5 in the morning and i can hear the birds outside and i remember doing the same in your bed last year as you slept and the birds were chirping away on the tree outside your window. they marked the changing of the seasons, and spring was full of hope and had lots of you in it. so yes, good times.

it's 4 weeks to the end of term and the second year's gone by so quickly. i need plans for easter. it's 5 weeks long and i was back home in singapore last year for the break and my heart was in two places. this year, it seems certain that i'll be here with no one to pine for. so it's 4 weeks of intense essay writing - 2 5000 word essays that make up 50% of my grade, and possibly a week in morocco where the sun and beaches beckon. i just wish there was a reason to make me want to be here because right now, jetting home to singapore doesn't seem like such a bad idea after all, i mean, now that there's nothing to tie me here to.

it's been 7 hours and 15 days

2009-02-11T03:12:00.003Z

8th of february. it was overwhelming. it's the kind of feeling you get when you're standing in a massive crowd and this wave of haplessness surges over you. you're disorientated and your eyes are unable to fix themselves on one point, and the faces around you seem like a blur. you're vulnerable yet at the same time, your conscious mind keeps you in control. you stumble a few steps back, you turn your head left and right trying to steady yourself. you feel like you're losing yourself to the crowd and nothing seems to hold and then suddenly, you find yourself again.

that's how it felt like lying next to you that night not being able to cross that insurmountable distance. it was overwhelming just watching you sleep and listening to your breath, watching your cheeks go up and down. the familiarity was as intense as the palpitations of my heart. the echoes of nostalgia were ricocheting off the walls as you lay in slumber and all i could do was watch the darkness grow into light. it was a perfect fit and match and everything seemed to have fallen into place, except that this was an honourable act of compassion. yet, it was a beautiful moment and i wish with all my heart and might that nothing can take that away. but the truth is, it's long been taken away with the great twisting and kneading and knotting of the heart it feels like it's being squeezed dry of emotions. it's taken a nasty battering so now, yes, i'm exhausted and there seems no purpose, no point in fighting for anything when you know the end in sight. so i stop in time and that's all there's left to do now. just stopping and willing time away.

start talking to me now please

Nothing Compares 2 U (cover) - Stereophonics

find your way home

2009-02-07T02:11:00.003Z

second year term 2 week 5 friday. what does it mean to you? it's not the exact date but this time last year - first year term 2 week 5 friday, i was at a party i wasn't meant to go and i met you. the actual date's 8 feb. what does it all mean then? i don't know what it's supposed to mean to you and i don't suppose you'd pause to give it a second thought, but that chance encounter did change my life. so much has transpired out of that meeting bred out of coincidence, and it'd make me smile for days knowing that today you realised what it meant. so i've been locked up at home today musing over yet another much regretted drunken misadventure last night, not wishing to step out in the biting cold, not even for training, hoping foolishly and seriously groundlessly that there will be no such chance meeting today. you see, there's this fear now. it's less of a fear-of-heights kinda fear, but more of a fear-of-the-uncertainty fear. it's the not knowing and not being able to grasp onto something real, and the fear of exhaustion. so i'm hiding away hoping this will pass.

birthday party. refused to go but got dragged along by annie and the rest. sat around bored. drinking and waiting to leave. we talked. kissed. drank some more and danced. in bed, watching aladdin. went outside for a breath of fresh air to quell that uprising in your stomach.

for a moment today, i thought back on the times when we quarreled, and i remember the one in the library and we were arguing over the phone, and then you came over and we made up outside the library, on the benches just outside social studies. and there was the other time when i sent you an angry text in the morning for leaving me at home alone the night before, when it was i who in my drunken stupor asked you to leave, and then we set things right on the open field right behind the library. you were using your laptop and going through your spanish notes. and then there was the day when we were 'studying' in the library and fooling around with my macbook camera and we took silly shots and then suddenly you stormed off and that night it was over. i found the pictures by accident on my laptop a few weeks ago. how long ago they seem but they still bring a smile back to me because they each meant something. our lives seem to revolve around the library too.

so yes. first year term two week five friday was when all was set in motion and the stage was set for us. if only you remembered. if only you gave us a shot and then there'd be reason to celebrate something today, and on the 8th of feb of course.

i'm not alright

2009-01-31T21:39:00.006Z

10 weeks of work went on stage last night and i breathed an air of finality after the last words of the play - 'and i'm not sure i want to be married', were uttered. for my first theatrical production in warwick, performing with such an internationally diverse cast before a foreign audience, it was an exhilarating experience.

the culture project

a one world week + codpiece theatre production

The notion of culture is everything at once: colourful and mundane; confident and unsettling; obvious and elusive. Join us in this devised piece as we explore the topic in an intimate and subtle setting of the everyday life.

Witness the interaction of the multi-cultural cast as they depict, through physical theatre, their journey through culture in its stereotypical and nuanced forms.

i guess part of the experience was coming to terms with your own culture and what it means to you personally. but more importantly to me, the play was for you and you weren't there, and all i've ever been to you was to be supportive of all that you did. today i was reminded of what it was like to lie in with someone and do nothing with all this time in my hands and i realised how tired i was. my mind strayed away and i was selfish but my heart wasn't in the right place. i'm tired of all the chasing and loving and the committing. i don't have the energy and strength anymore and i think you made me this way. and now i know of things and i cannot see you in the way you were before. i can't find explanations to the lie i believed in so much when we were together, except maybe i chose to be blind to it all. all it says is i just cannot push on anymore and i've resigned myself to my lot. i'm exhausted and spent.

i'm not sorry there's nothing to save. i'm glad i held back those words.

we both understand that this is where we belong

2009-01-28T01:25:00.004Z

i believe in the present. i believe in now. the sayings of the old tell you to be mindful of what is to come, but what if being mindful means you have to give up on the chance to savour the beauty of the moment. what if thinking ahead means you have to let go of what could be the best thing you've ever had thus far? where is the balance that needs to be drawn to decide if letting go is really worth it? i don't need a guide to steer me in the 'right' direction because i am the best judge of my faith, and right here, right now, i want that happiness.

forbidden love or global warming?

december is darkest and june is the light

2009-01-22T03:40:00.002Z

today i was reminded of the impossibility. i saw what it cannot be, and why it could never have worked out. i am happy for you and for what next year will mean to you, yet there's this reluctance to be happy. it's selfish but you have to know deep down, i am sincerely happy for you and that i share the joy that you must surely be absorbed in. i just wish i was there next to you to partake in this celebration of yours. i see why i could never fall in love here again because of this uncertainty in our future. yet, what is to stop me from wanting that split second of joy and momentary warmth? if the future cannot be told, who's to say it will not turn out the way we want it to? isn't living in the moment and giving the future a shot all that matters in life? that being said, the thought of graduating without you around casts an elusive shadow that seems painfully unbearable. not seeing you for the whole of next year multiplies the pain. yet what difference is there when i don't see or talk to you in days when you're still around? right now all the things that i thought was easy just got harder and harder each day. i don't show it, i don't say it, i deny it. but the truth is that getting you out of my head gets harder and harder each day, especially now that i know that in my last year here you won't be around. i need to sought out that inner peace i thought i had acquired in morocco and bring it back closer to me. i need to distract the mind.

the play is progressing i guess with each rehearsal. and thai boxing's picking up pace as i ready myself for my first match in week 9. where else can i channel my energy into? i need to find an outlet to let it all out, to invest my mundane mind and mute the distractions within. i need to find a reason to drag myself out of bed to school. i cannot be shackled to this life, and i will not allow myself to. the heart needs to be tamed first, and you play such a crucial role. so tame it please.

this song's been replaying on my itunes for the longest time ever.

make me feel like the one

2009-01-16T16:05:00.003Z

i have a voice in my head that's been talking to me. it seems to be a ghost from the past, summoned forth by these deep stirrings of my heart, to ensure that the heart remains banished and in exile. It's not that the heart is reluctant and stubborn, it simply cannot resist the temptation of the land the body treads. Every place on campus has a significant memory - the benches outside social studies, the grass behind the library, the field behind claycroft, westwood cafe, the library. they're there haunting every step i take and i fight them only to be met with immense futility. yet on days when i am victorious, it is but a momentary one. some days are filled with a longing and desire for you to fill the void that permeates my surroundings, so that i can regale you with tales from training and rehearsals. i want you to be there to share these memories of mine. then there are days when i wonder what is to happen to us 10 years from now? will i realise that this was all just a hopeless obsession of my youth, or will i shut out the world waiting for you? finally, there are days when i don't seem to think of all the pain and longing, and deliberately seek a way out by way of avoidance. i am weakening each passing day but at the same time, i think i'm growing stronger. there are two opposing forces at work here in my body, pulling towards two extremities. my mind tells my heart to channel all my energy towards that one specific end, but the heart is a disloyal creature to the mind and body. yet i think i'm a fighter. i will fight.

8 feb 2009. one year on and look where we are at now. take your cue from eliot reed, season 8 episode 1.

out of touch, out of time

2009-01-11T02:19:00.005Z

there's this self-indulgent game that we play of feigning and ignorance. the word ignorance shall then be taken to mean the refusal to acknowledge rather than the lack of awareness. ignoring would therefore be a better word. and in this game one aims to elicit some form of attention or affection from the other player in the game, through a series of avoidances. cheating is allowed in this game and the player can therefore make use of his preconceived suspicions and more importantly, frustrations, to justify his actions - in this case, the lack of any decent form of proper conversation over an extended period of time, thus reflecting a somewhat blase attitude in the other player. based on this, the first player will then determine the best course of action to deal to the second player mainly to vent his pent up emotions, but scratching beneath the surface, his real intention might simply be to construct the distance to sustain his great enlightenment obtained from a foreign land. bottom line is, he wants to be heard, and for the second player to know that 'you can pretend everything's as before and go through the routine of dispensing courtesies when required, but all i really want is to know why haven't we talked properly? why do i not see you online at all? why do you not text or call to ask if we want to meet for lunch and catch up on what we've done over the break? so don't expect me to reply to some random cheeky message in a lecture after maintaining all that silence for a week since we've both got back. in all honesty, i am not regressing back to the way i was before the break. i'm just angry at you for not being the friend you promised to be.'

there are no winners or losers in this game. the end's hard to determine because most people give it up after a while. no one really knows where the game, or themselves, are headed towards to.

stop talking to yourself

2009-01-03T18:37:00.006Z

it's a new year and i guess it also means it's a brand new start. 18 days of solitary confinement in morocco did indeed change alot of things. it started out as an adventure sought after to quell the wandering lust of my heart, but it ended up as an expedition to the deepest and farthest recesses of my soul. it was an awakening and a stirring. it was 18 days of pondering and reflection, by transplanting myself into a foreign land and challenging myself to live by myself, for myself, and to survive.

the silence was screaming to be heard and i heard it. it grabbed you by the neck and forced you along, not knowing that you were no helpless victim, but a voluntary sacrifice. so i did not trudge along, i ambled, and i came to peace with this silence. and in it, i found myself and the answers to the questions that drove me to the state of being i had been stuck in for so long. i found a glimmer of hope, and a shot of life. and more importantly, i found humanity in the people i met along the way. they showed me that we're all pretty much the same. we're all people looking for something and that life is not very much dissimilar from where we all come from. because if silence and solitude was the natural human condition, it must also mean that there exists people fighting to break the mould. i saw the good in people and i learnt to trust again. travel guides and people warn you to be careful of the hustlers and touts in morocco, and that more often than not, people approach you with some hidden motive. yet, your gut and heart is a much better judge than you think, especially when you're all alone. it becomes a much better judge and now i'm reassured that i am still human - still capable of discerning between the good and the bad. i've learnt sincerity and what it truly means to be unpretentious. it's all about taking the risk to let your guard down for just that one moment, and then to reap the happiness of what is to come. it's always taking the first step and i've come to believe that should the time come, i know that i'm fully in control of not only my emotions, but the courage to take that first step again.

i left my house for morocco with no plans in sight, no itinerary and no hopes. i made my plans on the go, and changed it whenever i liked, simply because there were no restrictions. the only end state i had in mind was to get to malaga in spain by the 29th to catch my flight back home. so yes, i was driven by this unknown. i think halfway along the way in 2008, i lost sight of where i was going, of where i wanted to end up at. and in the in-betweens i got lost, i got confused and more importantly, i got wrapped up in myself. i got so involved in the uncertainty and the unknown i lost myself. i found myself again in morocco.

the effect of the natural beauty of the landscape cannot be put down in words. no words can describe the sense of insignificance and awe while standing in the sahara desert at night, amidst the dark silhouettes of the sand dunes, and upon looking up, encounter a vastness so immense you tremble at its greatness. the infinite amount stars that were scattered across this vastness somehow seemed to reassure you, telling you not to quiver under its shroud simply because life is looking after you. you're nestled in comfort under this astounding beauty. and then you travel southwards, through the green mountains, and then snow covered ones, before reaching the coastline, and you marvel at what one country has to offer. it then reaffirms the fact that there is so much in the world left to see and it stirs in you further that sense of inner turmoil of not knowing of where you're from, and where you're going. all you know is that you want to see as much of the world as you can, as best as you can.

i came back a changed man, i hope. i choose to believe that i came back stronger and more decided. i came back having moved on. and all i can hope is that this feeling's not a transient one, because i like how i am now and i'm not ready to go back to the way things were before. i'm awakened now from a slumber i've been stuck in for too long.

i have a shisha corner in my room now where my two-piped shisha pipe sits atop my moroccan silk carpet. heh. and i'm way too tanned for my own good. skin cancer beckons. lol

i used to think i was special

2008-12-08T04:34:00.002Z

on 20 March 2008 at 18:02, you wrote:

Like I told you before, I've never been in a proper relationship for more than a few weeks - everytime I've come close, something stops it, and its usually me. I remember you asked me when I was going to panic over things between us - well maybe that was it - maybe that was my irrational mind trying to escape. But it couldn't. It couldn't escape from the fact that I've fallen for you

i am on your side

2008-12-06T04:06:00.004Z

today's the last day of the autumn term and it just doesn't feel right. i remember how the end of terms used to bring this whole sense of dread and disbelief but this time round, that seems to have lightened up. family christmas dinner at home with a few others was nice and cheery, with everyone gathered around, yet somehow it still feels different. first term last year there was a reluctance for the term to end because it was my first term in warwick and it felt surreal knowing that i had survived 10 weeks of university life. the end of the second term was accompanied with an unbearable longing because on the friday of week 5 of that term, i met you and you turned my world around and the thought of not seeing you for the whole of spring break was unbearable. and finally, the end of the final term of my freshmen year was tagged with an overwhelming sadness of finality because you weren't there anymore and i knew that the three months to follow were to be spent thinking of and getting over you.

so yes, this term has come to an end and there's this numbness because i really don't know what to make of this term, or the start of my second year for that matter. i came back from summer praying so hard that you would have already walked out of my mind and heart. i thought it was easy at the beginning and then things happened and we eventually stopped talking and you seemed to care less and less. you became oblivious and because you were so determined to get over it, i pushed you away and what hurts the most was the fact that you weren't even trying.

so yes, i've done much this term. i am immensely committed to muay thai training, and i've met equally committed and wonderful people there who give me the opportunity to let it all out in training because each training session's a sanctuary, and as much as i tell myself to go into the room and punch and kick each pad thinking of you and all that's happened, it simply never happens because i cannot bring myself to. and then there's the play for one world week and its rehearsals and i've always wanted to tell you that i've told them about you but we never seem to find the time to talk, and i think sometimes it's just me being afraid to approach you. i'm reconnecting with the singaporeans this year and my housemates have been the most solid pillars of support - unjudging and sincere. i've been retaining the links with my housemates from last year and i am doing well, i'm growing closer to some and losing some - the ones i'm growing increasingly closer to empathise and we connect; the one's i'm drifting away from have you to blame, and i am not ready to go about making amends. but at the end of the day, i know they will still be there as will my current housemates and i know i should feel happy with the situation i'm in, but fact is, nothing changes the fact that you're not here anymore.

one third of my second year has gone by and christmas approaches and in this festive period, we give our thanks for all that we've gained this year. and so i will give thanks for the friends who have stood by me this year, for the choices that i've made to pull my life out of the dregs, and for my obstinacy. because most of all, i give my greatest thanks for having you come into my life and giving me love and hope, and for breaking it and then walking away and me understanding that you can walk away as far as you can, but nothing can change the truth that i love you.

1490

2008-12-05T03:51:00.002Z

i just finished my essay at 3.44 a.m and seeing that i only started this afternoon at 1, i am pretty proud of myself. it's the last one for the term so i'm officially a free man. i remember some time last year when i stayed in to do my essay and you came over after a night out in the union and you distracted me from my work. i went back to doing it while you fell asleep on my bed and i could hear you sleeping in the background and that was bliss. i finished at 7 in the morning and crawled into bed with you and that took all the stress and tiredness away. right now, i just want for that to happen.

stop his heart

2008-12-02T02:45:00.004Z

27th may 2008. it was some time around three in the morning and then i knew it. it was then i fell in love with you. that was the point. i remember every single detail. the way your lights were in your room, the warmth of that room, the way we touched and how your fingers went over my skin. every single minute detail. i knew then that it was you i wanted to wake up to, go to sleep with, and do everything in between with. and i don't think any of that has changed.

twice.

do you still remember that night?

i never got the chance to say i love you.

always and forever

2008-12-01T00:08:00.005Z

term's closing and all that seemed to have transpired in the last 9 weeks were untruths and a whole lot of silence. yet, nothing has changed the plain simple fact that you still are my breath of fresh air and that when i was drowning, you saved me. i found the notebook mandy gave me on my 21st and i re-read the quotes from grey's she jotted down on the first page:

knowing is better than wondering, waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying

we're friends, real friends. and that means no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, i'll still be here

i want things to go back to the way they were before. i was happy before you came along. i knew my place and my heart had no place for love, or heartache for that matter. so yes, i do wish sometimes you never happened and this pain would all go away and you never having to deal with all the melodrama. even if it means taking away the best 4 months of my life here in uni thus far because right now, nothing in the world seems to beat the pain of not being able to let go, and the fear of a haunting from the past.

britney week on x factor. she's helluva a singer, but she got voted out. the good ones seem to always leave. just like you did. why am i not surprised. feel the intensity of her passion and her emotions because that's how i've felt everyday the last 9 weeks. i need fixing.

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

i hope you last a long, long time

2008-11-27T11:13:00.003Z

i've been going in circles but i still get no closure. these dreams of mine are tantalising and immensely ingratiating and they seem to represent a repressed desire and urge for something more. but in these dreams, i am happy and like before, i allow myself to lose myself in you. that's two dreams in a span of four days. so tell me why this is happening because it's almost the end of the year and school's out in 8 days and i cannot have you haunting me. i want you closer to me and the thought of 4 weeks without you around is daunting enough although in these last 10 weeks of term you were probably as far away as you probably will be. some time next term will mark the one year we've known each other. funny isn't it, how all that doesn't seem to matter now.

glass houses

2008-11-26T10:56:00.003Z

how is waking better than sleeping when i get to hold you in the latter. i start and wake, and force myself to go back to sleep just to see you once again.

in other news, it's the second last week of term and i'm swarmed with three essays that are due next week. and then there's training and rehearsals. the first term's almost over and the speed at which it went by was shocking to say the least. everyone's still reeling in the dust of it. and now there's only the christmas break to look forward to and i'm off to morocco for two and a half weeks on my own. yeap, it's just gonna be me and my thoughts. i don't have a plan for morocco yet. i don't know where i'm going or what i'm seeing. that's the thrill of the game. the uncertainty and spontaneity, with no one to tell me what to do or where to go or how to think. so like i said, it'll just be me and my thoughts and my music, speaking of which, this week's current obsession is get cape.wear cape.fly. christmas in the sahara desert doesn't sound all that bad does it?

buttercup

2008-11-21T12:02:00.002Z

the last time i was this ill in warwick i had you to fuss over me. you force-fed me kiwis and multivitamins and specifically told my housemates to check in on me when you had to leave for the weekend. and now under medication, one dreams of you while in deep slumber and in these dreams we kiss. i enjoy the lull of medicine and the dreams my mind entertains but when i awake, the aches of my illness are still there, but the reality of life seems to hurt more. i still can't get the image of you and w in bed together because that very same morning i was tempted to walk into his room just to lay to rest the misgivings of the mind. i am a fool. an ill one at that.

feeling a moment

2008-11-16T23:31:00.002Z

today i told a little white lie because i was selfish. but would it matter when i say that today, i wished for the beginning to never have happened, so that the end, and today, would never happen. i could have held you in my arms forever and it still wouldn't be long enough, so why hold you in the first place? did i know loving you, then losing you would be so unbearable? because right now no one's ever coming this close again to performing an open heart surgery and a craniotomy on me. no one's opening me up and it's all because of you.

breakdown

2008-11-15T02:57:00.003Z

then you came along to set things straight like you knew what was going through my mind. and you reminded me of how much i know about you - sarah maclachlan, amy macdonald and damo. the consistency, not very much like what we had between us, so thank you for the flood of memories, and for the memories for me to look back upon.

have a safe trip home this weekend. i know how happy you must be.

elaborate ruses

2008-11-15T01:23:00.003Z

and then we became strangers and don't even talk, except to make the smallest of conversations that seem to relegate us to hi-bye acquaintances. and wasn't that what we promised we wouldn't become? so maybe it is for the best that we keep this uncomfortable distance, but fact is it's as unbearable as the brightest light in the darkest night.

solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition, man is the only being who knows that he's alone

use somebody

2008-11-14T15:06:00.002Z

it's the thrill of being noticed that drives one to do things that leaves a horrible and guilty aftertaste the next morning. it's the want for attention but i'm not getting it from the person i crave for the most. so i end up in a semiconscious slumber, unsure of where i'm headed too, regretting every single minute of it while supplanting the face of a faceless stranger with yours. it's no wonder you think i'm a hypocrite, but all it points to is my desperation for you which you do not seem to appreciate or care about.

officially the worse hangover in a long long time. kings of leon's therapeutic right now.

that kiss lasted too long

2008-11-10T22:46:00.006Z

i sat at the eighth row of the lecture theatre today and there you were in the second. the back of your head was distracting enough but never for once did i see you turn around to perhaps, look for me. i sat there and wondered, amidst Barry Buzan, Hedley Bull and The English School, what made this so difficult to get through. it was the commitment i had chosen to make when we started going out, because for once in my life here in the uk, here in warwick, i found something worth pursuing and keeping to. and commitment made me think about you, and gave me something to look forward to in life here in this strange land. the companionship and the feeling of waking up knowing that you're really not that alone, despite being so far away from home. even more so, i was moved by how true you were to yourself and the causes you fight for. i was humbled by your involvement in S T A R and W I D S and that whole experience in mexico. i was proud to be your boyfriend because you were a much greater person than i could ever be. so when you walked away, i could never find a reason to hate you or think lesser of you because you represented all that i could ever dream to be. two weeks ago i thought i could find it in me to detest you but you've only been able to make me feel inadequate and broken. i still find myself drawn to events you've shed blood and sweat for because each one of them represents a part of you i had once fallen in love with, even if it means giving up or missing something important. i do it to remind myself of what it felt like to be in love, and then losing it all before your eyes while i see you smiling in the glow of success. i'm happy for you when it all goes well and as planned.

my honesty. my melodramatics, pidyn cox.

prince ali

2008-11-08T19:27:00.003Z

every house party i go to i go in search for you because that was how i met you. do you remember that night? because i do, so vividly, every single detail of that few hours in that house, and then in mine.

who am i kidding.

lean on me

2008-11-07T03:59:00.002Z

the closeness. the tease. the lingering of your smell over my head and after you've gone. i don't say 'uh huh' anymore, maybe because there's no one left to laugh at me about it. i reluctantly lapse into these bouts of nostalgia. billou asked how i could forgive what transpired between the both of you, and he offered an answer. very simply, that i was still in love with you. nothing's real right now, other than the fact that you'll always be this distant. you probably don't even know that i care. or you're just avoiding it - the drama. it's not like you care. it's not like i'll tell you anything.

but there is one thing that i will tell you, and that is i'm done with my essay now at 4 in the morning.

bitter lemons

2008-11-04T14:22:00.002Z

today's the day. the sun's out. and the world's prepared for a change. today's the day the world's hegemon gets it's first black president. today the world is ready for barack obama.

choked up

2008-11-04T00:47:00.006Z

i don't like this uneasiness, i swear it tastes almost like jealousy when there's no reason for it. because i shouldn't. and i'm not allowed to.

and only because i refuse to do any work in reading week, that these words speak to me from a show i thought i had given up a long time ago.

it was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life - direction, beauty and meaning. there were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them, but even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again, and his belief in god, in love, in art would be reawakened in his heart again.

but people always leave.

i come in here. and i sit in slience and hear the echoes of who we used to be. and so i wish for patience, and grace, and strength, to just let him be happy. and mostly i pray for the strength to not make his life worse for what i want. that's the toughest part, letting go.

sometimes i sleep in because i know when i wake up you won't be by my side

what or who do you think of when you first open your eyes in the morning. truth is, it's still you. how are you? do you miss me like i miss you? how do i get you back? and then another day without you begins.

someone write me an essay by friday.

mice and monkeys

2008-11-02T20:41:00.006Z

the get out clause. to make sure that whatever i did, i did for myself and not for you. and that's the get out clause. so that when you eventually left, there would be no guilt, no pain, nothing. that was what was going through my mind before training. before i met you today, and for that split second together, it felt like it was back the way it was before. it was like needing glasses, and the green blob was no longer just a green blob. it was leaves. that changed my mind.

no to rejection. no get out clause.

some wars never end. some wars end in an uneasy truth. some wars result in complete total victory. and some wars end in hope. but all these wars are nothing, compared to the most frightening war of all. the one that we have yet to fight.

halloween came and went and i was hysterical. literally.

cannonball

2008-10-30T23:48:00.003Z

what's a spin? it's when you are made to hold your nose across one arm, bend as low as you can and go round and round with your eyes closed. you do it to simulate what it feels like after you've been punched in your face in a match. and then you attempt to punch your partner, after you've decided where he is and when the world has stopped moving around you. that's if you're not sprawled on the floor.

i hate spins.

hear all the bombs fade away

2008-10-29T23:25:00.004Z

it's getting easier by the day i think. or maybe part of me's hoping you'll realise how wrong you were. i'm not gonna want someone who doesn't want me back because there's no point. it's been a good few days since i've decided i'm over it. this made one of my days though. lol :)

that's my room by the way. and that's string strung from corner to corner. a big hearty thank you to my housemates who constantly never fail to remind me that i'm never home and cobwebs grow.

original source

2008-10-27T12:08:00.002Z

i'm packing up and leaving it all behind. i'm sick and tired of this mess and now all that's left to do is to walk away and start all over again. i'm getting my life back on track without you. i am after all, mr g - director of performing arts. you're unassailable. an impregnable fortress. i am nothing like you. so yes, i'll walk on, move along, and pick my things up and leave you behind.

nobody's home

2008-10-22T11:38:00.003+01:00

i am a raging lunatic and i need help. don't let me talk you out of it because i'm mad and unstable. you should never have done that. not with one of my closest friends. the one friend who told me that you and i deserve to be together, on that very fateful night. so no, don't try to talk to me because all this rage and paranoia and frustration is pushing me towards a nadir where the drop leads to nowhere.

drag yourself high and hold me

2008-10-20T23:04:00.002+01:00

why start anything when you weren't ready for the commitment? why make me step into one when i was all apprehensive at first, and so reluctant. and when i did it you stepped out so tell me what's fair here? i can't hate you like i should because you still make me smile the same when i was with you. because i stare at you from the corner of my eye even when you're just next to me. because you make my heart jump everytime i see you, and you make me want to jump into you all at the same time.

good times.

barely breathing

2008-10-16T18:38:00.003+01:00

and i was foolish enough to believe that what was told would make some semblance of an impact. an impact that would have you calling me to ask how it was, seeing that you knew how big it was, and how important it meant to me. even if it was the next day. and it's now a quarter to 7 in the evening and all i'm doing now is waiting for a call, a text or even a facebook message to tell me that you're actually concerned about it. you were the one who knew about how hard it was and the difficulties that i was bound to face and i guess all i was expecting was that little bit of concern. i didn't expect a text message reading 'i'm fine thanks' to mark the end of it. surely there was more to be asked. so maybe i'm making a huge fuss out of it, but you were the first person i texted last night, because you were the biggest part of it, and i wanted to hear from you what you thought. i wanted you to share the joy of having the weight lifted off my shoulders.

i guess i'm asking for too much again.

what am i gonna do when the best part of me was always you
what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're ok

i kissed a girl and i liked it

2008-10-12T17:21:00.003+01:00

what did you want from me that night? it was a dilemma. and the regret still sinks in now for not doing what my heart told me to do. you were so close. if only you made your intentions clearer because all i really wanted was to hold you.

sideways

2008-10-09T01:35:00.001+01:00

nobody knows it

2008-10-06T01:24:00.010+01:00

muay thai absolutely kicks butt.

arabic starts tomorrow at half 6.

amnesty's on tuesday.

score's on wednesday.

i've no classes on wednesdays and thursdays.

street vibe or eqho?

and i feel like playing with fire just so you'd take note of me.

this isn't a poem by the way.

i tried extending my due date for hanif kureishi's the buddha of suburbia online and the university library website gave me this

it's less than 5 pounds goddammit.

i want a second shot. i want a second chance. i want to know how staggering you are again, where you'll amaze my simple mind and entertain my thoughtless musings. i want to be there for you when you're so stretched and worked up, even if there's nothing i can do, i want to just be there to hold your hand and nuzzle your head in my chest just so to comfort you. i could sit in a corner and watch you work with that intensity and focus written all over your face, and allowing yourself to be distracted only by me. will it ever go back to that way because being so close to you makes the heart throb so hard it's ripping. i steal glances at you even when you're at arms length. what's more painful is my refusal to acknowledge the impossible truth that part of me might still be in love with you. it took me three months to muster the strength to say it and it took you three months to end it. tell me then, why does it still hurt so much after seeing you on a night out and we make no conversation.

i'm sorry i haven't made this easier for you.

in the end it hurts the same

2008-10-04T03:46:00.002+01:00

i gave you my heart, that's all that i can give to you.
and if that's not enough for you, i'm not enough for you.

one week of uni down, many more to come. life's good.

there's no one left to blame

2008-09-27T17:30:00.002+01:00

it all hinges on that first time. that first look, that first spoken word. and that first hug. and then it all falls apart when the truth emerges from that first sight, that first sound, that first touch. somehow it just went away. that burden and that load strapped to your back. you walk away praying so hard that this feeling of lightness doesn't stem from that momentary shock. you pray even harder that the weight does not come back. perhaps, you pray the hardest for things to go back to the way things were before - being just friends. that was how it all started wasn't it, and to let it all go would simply be too great a waste. so what are you to do when you don't know what's going on on the other side? you guess and triple guess and take blind stabs in the dark hoping that the knife doesn't come out bloody. i don't know if i'm over you. i really don't know, but the feeling when i first saw you since summer feels less angry, less needy, less frustrated. wistful perhaps, but not the gut wrenching anguish of before. so come back to be my lecture buddy and wake me up when the going gets boring. i still need you in my life, and i hope you do too. you were my only friend, so be that friend not out of pity please. life's going back to the way it was before slowly but steadily.

or so i hope.

rise

2008-09-19T15:54:00.006+01:00

it's good to be back. walking up and down earlsdon street's like a scene out of desperate housewives, minus the hot mamas. but it's nice and cosy and you get a true sense of what living in the uk's all about. i mean, away from the big city and into the smaller towns. my room's starting to look inhabited and is growing to become more like me so that's good. meeting up with friends as they slowly trickle back brings tales of endless stories of summer.

and all's that lacking now is you. i couldn't decide how i'm gonna feel when i see you for the first time since summer started. we've spoken twice in the three months that have passed and perhaps this silence was part of the plan to give us the time and space we needed. and i guess part of me wants you to know that i've looked back at the past year and realised how silly and childish i've been at times. there are things that i wanna do now to make it better. i was reading our facebook messages to each other and there are parts when i asked myself what made me say that. i need to grow up and that's what this year's gonna be about. i need to start acting like a 21 year old like you've said. but what's all that gonna mean without you, i don't know. right now all i wanna do is wait for you to get back, to see you for the very first time, and pray so hard that my heart doesn't quiver because yours may not. and that's when i lapse back into the hugest mistake i'm prone to and that's being presumptious. this summer was all about moving on and i guess i've tried. i've done all that i could do and it now simply hedges on that one moment. that one look. and you have no idea how badly i want you to tell me it was all a mistake.

this sweetness and goodness

2008-09-16T08:29:00.003+01:00

in 8 hours i'll be on board a plane to take me home. is warwick home? i think not, but for now, it is. summer flew by fleetingly, and what was to be a long three months quickly dissolved to be nothing more than a glimmer. but what was accomplished in these three months put a nice ending to my first year as a student. i have travelled this summer - beijing cambodia and vietnam. i'm sunkissed like every well-deserving student in summer. i've gone back to work in the army, a job i've been terribly thankful for, and am immensely grateful for all the opportunities given. the reaffirmation and the reassurance given, and taken, has set my mind at ease for now. i've caught up with friends, some more than others, but getting to see them after such a long time, knowing that they're still there even when uni has started for them has made summer unforgettable. it's all about the people. i'm going back to start a second year now, and all i'm asking for is another shot at happiness and self-fulfillment.

i quote a scene from a show i shouldn't be watching, merely because it struck a chord in me. and maybe because part of me is still hoping that these words will be said to me when summer ends.

i haven't been able to get you out of my head the whole summer. i was hoping when i saw you, i would know that we did the right thing. and i don't feel that way. i don't feel that way at all. i miss that little laugh of yours.

don't ever look back

2008-09-11T07:07:00.001+01:00

i'm flying off in 5 days and i don't know how to feel.

DL

2008-09-10T11:38:00.004+01:00

someone dissed me publicly and openly in a newspaper supplement recently. and as much as i want to say that i understand where the writer's coming from, he has crossed a line that traverses an issue that i feel strongly and deeply about. in doing so, he has insinuated and questioned my capabilities, my character, my morals, my dedication, my commitment and most importantly, my professionalism as an officer in the singapore armed forces.

i am defined by many things, and one video does not mean anything. i draw a distinct line when it comes to work and my private life. so if you are telling me that a drunken video of me on facebook stumbling about and spouting drunken rubbish defines who i am as an officer, you are sorely mistaken. like you and everyone else in uni, we are there to be who we are, to enjoy ourselves for one last time as students before we graduate and enter the work force. i am like you and everyone else around you, so give me the space and freedom to pursue the life of a student the way i want to.

i know you're not only an officer in uniform, you're an officer wherever you are. my behaviour and my actions may contradict it at times, especially under the influence of alcohol, but if you know me well enough, at the core of it, my heart's there in the right place. so do not doubt me if you don't know what i have done. do not question my professionalism because i do my work to the best i can. do not think less of me merely because i'm trying to live the life we are all entitled to in uni. do not attempt to undermine my devotion to a profession that i strongly believe in, and am truly passionate and committed about.

the writer mentions that the internet (facebook) has made private information and videos like these privy to my superiors and my subordinates. if anyone has to make a judgement about my character, no video will suffice to make a strong enough statement if he/she knows me at work. so if you want to make a groundless accusation against my professional character, find out how i conduct myself at work. my dedication and passion is something i'm proud about so do not cross that line to suggest anything otherwise.

20

2008-08-31T11:31:00.003+01:00

it's your day today. and i couldn't help but think back to the 27th of may this year. you made it different. i remember the surprise at night and the dinner that evening. it was special and for that one moment, i felt ready. i was ready to give it my all and somehow, i don't think any part of me has changed since that night. i'm ready to embrace the change because i had you and there was nothing else that mattered. but things are different now, and all i can sincerely hope for now is for you to enjoy your day today, to make it special and unforgettable like you made mine. just because you're different, and special to me. because if i had my way, and if things were like they were before, i want to be the one there with you to make it all the more special. the card you gave me has made the journey back home to singapore with me, and for the first time since summer started, i took it out to look at it and i smiled.

and i guess that's how i know you were different from everyone else who has crossed that line with me. just thoughts of you can make my day. like when i was on a bus home one night and i thought of your cheeky grin, that smug look that is so perfectly captured in that msn emoticon. i smiled to myself so foolishly i bet i looked silly. and although in recent weeks, i saw for the first time, the inevitability you saw, i refused to bow down to it because no one has ever made me feel this way, not even the one whom i spent 3 three years with. it's hard to put it in words the way you make me feel because you changed alot in me, and you released alot in me.

and for the first time ever again, you made me realise what it means to miss someone so badly it hurts. it's an overused phrase but i've come to understand what it means because that's how you make me feel. it's 16 days till i get back and if it were easter all over again, we would be counting down the days together. but now it's just a one sided affair. it always has been the case in the last few months i guess. just wistful hoping for a iron cast certainty. and i chide myself these days for being so foolishly optimistic and for dreaming up a fantastical future that is premised on my one-sided dreaming, especially since you've shown no signs of hope.

i am a slave to my dreams. so happy birthday.

rough in transit

2008-08-23T05:09:00.003+01:00

i dreamt of this song last night which is pretty rare seeing that my dreams seldom have a soundtrack to it. you gave this song to me, or rather, i first heard of it together with you in my room on your laptop. it's hard to walk away when the mind's so unwilling and so bent on the past. it's harder to walk away when the disillusioned mind entertains impossibilities to come. but it's good knowing that i will never match up even after this summer because of an inescapable truth that is me. we'll have tales to tell from this summer now that it's almost over, some tales i do not want to hear as much as i want to because i don't think the mind will take it as well as yours did. but i want to know and it's such a contradiction. i don't know how our second year will turn out and i'm very apprehensive. all i know now is i can't wait to see you when we get back because 3 months has been long enough, no pretensions about that. looking at photos can no longer suffice and we'll have a decent conversation that has eluded us for the longest time, just because i think we're ready.

kokopelli

2008-08-21T07:32:00.006+01:00

i have so much to say now that i'm back from cambodia and vietnam but few words can entirely capture the whole experience of being in countries so different from other countries i've been to. both countries were amazing. angkor wat in siem reap was a step back in history, and a step towards a sprained ankle. hobbled around with an elephant's calf for a week but it was so worth it. ta prohm and the bayon's architecture was mindblowing for a civilization from so long ago.

and then it was to phnom penh where we were caught in a flood and we were stranded on the streets with murky muddy water that came up to knee level. the kids playing it the water and swimming in the roads made the whole experience so much more enjoyable and happier, save for the fact that my flip flops snapped and i tripped on a curb (coz you can't see them when the water's that deep) and my camera decided to go for a dip in the water to cool off.

went off to sihanoukville by the coast and it was just two days of lazing by the beaches eating seafood, listening to the waves, reading my book and getting my fair share of massages. partying in sihanoukville was crazy with newly made friends from france and the uk. didn't help we were all pretty wasted and the abundance of CPGs (Cambodian Party Girls) made the whole night much more laughable in retrospect. and who could ever forget the t shirt and towel fight back in the room.

then it was back to phnom penh to see tuol sleng genocide museum and the killing fields which was a terribly sombre affair. the khmer rouge regime was a monstrosity and witnessing for yourself where the mass graves were located and seeing the place where pol pot's clique conducted their interrogations and locked up people was just bone chilling. the stupa at the killing fields was stacked with the unearthed skulls of those buried in the killing fields and it was just disturbing to see their empty hollow eyes stare out at you. you somehow feel their desperation and the helplessness. they were defenceless and had no way out. yet in the killing fields, you see grass growing in the holes where the bodies were recovered and it somehow seemed to represent a salient hope for the cambodian people. that life continues and flourishes despite its dark past and history. and i guess closure's really all they want now, and the chance to finally move on. the cambodian people are a strong bunch i guess, but when you see the children on the streets who come up to you tugging at your sleeves for money or to get you to buy something from them, or when you see landmine victims crawling on the beaches begging for money, it's quite hard to say no when you want to help. you can't help everyone and giving them money just keeps them on the streets. it's conflicting sometimes, but the resilience is there.

and then it was off to ho chi minh city in vietnam. now i wasn't too impressed with phnom penh, it being the capital of cambodia and all. it was messy and dirty and just chaotic everywhere. but ho chi minh was a totally different story. it was messy, yes, but there was this semblance of an order amidst the chaos. saw the cu chi tunnels and their underground system was very impressive and tactical. crawled for three hundred metres with liang and we were dying, and this was only one small part of an immense system that covered hundreds of kilometres all the way to the saigon river. and then there was the cao dai temple which, without meaning to be offensive, was perplexing. it's a vietnamese religion founded in the early 1900s and believers worship amongst many others, jesus, guan yin and lao tzu. the entrance of a temple has a painting with three of its patron saints in it - victor hugo, sun yat-sen and some vietnamese poet. it was really a mix of culture and influences. but the most perturbing thing about the whole thing was the cao dai symbol. an eye. it was just piercing and penetrating. yet, watching their afternoon prayer was an experience in itself, with hymns in an unknown language. it was uplifting actually. and of course, the highlight of the trip was my swanky new tattoo. three hours of sheer pain but it was all worth it :)

i guess at the end of the trip, i'm just happy to be where i am now. despite the elephant ankle and the demise of my camera, the trip was inspiring. the countryside was mesmerising - the tranquility and the innocence of untouched beauty and land. understanding the turbulent history of two of our neighbours puts alot of things in perspective. singapore's entrenched in a region with such a violent history it cannot be ignored. we talk about hitler and germany in world war two, and we talk about rwanda and darfur in recent times, but there's so much still ongoing that needs to be done to rebuild such a torn up country. we said we've learnt our lessons after the defeat of the nazis, but the pol pot regime occurred as recently as 1980. much more needs to be done to rehabilitate its people but as of now, camdodia deserves all our respect for its natural beauty, it's ancient heritage and painful history.

it was a well deserved break from everything i guess, and to think. receiving your message in ho chi minh was reassuring so thank you. and travelling with liang was probably the best choice i guess. it's hard to find like-minded people who do not bore you even after 10 days of facing each other 24 hours. so yes, kudos to ROGER. roger that. haha

photos are on facebook. my photos end at phnom penh after my camera's dip in the water. rest of the days are with ROGER.

i just want to know the truth

2008-08-11T14:00:00.004+01:00

beijing got me thinking. the city turned out to be better than i had expected it to be. the skies were polluted as predicted, with not a hint of blue at all. but yes, walking the streets of the chinese capital, you notice this endearing sense of patriotism and unifying spirit that has brought together the people. everyone was so determined and so driven to make the olympic games a roaring success. this unity is perplexing in many ways, but perhaps the hardest task for them has to be sustaining it after the games. brushing aside the obvious bread and butter issue of its economy growth, it's more about the spirit of the chinese people. what is going to hold together the diverse mix of people in the world's most populous nation? the sichuan earthquake was perhaps a catalyst to this grand show of unity, and with the onset of the games, proved to be a powerful and engaging force to bring the nation under one umbrella. the policemen on the streets, the olympic volunteers, the soldiers at the airport - they all have one thing in common, and that is the drive to make this experience as astounding as possible for the visitor. it was humbling i say again, to see a nation so amalgamated and so dignified at the same time, and almost so eager to please, that being said in in a non-condescending manner.

scaling the great wall was breath taking in every sense of the word.

and it's off to cambodia and vietnam tomorrow to satisfy the wanderlust in me.

and this was probably the reason why the day dragged by despite the dream i had of you this morning. it jolted me out of the silence that has endured between us in the last 6 weeks. how much quieter can this silence get.

i dreamt of you this morning. your shirt travels with me. it's been to china and is headed to cambodia and vietnam in 8 hours. i just want to hear from you, to know you're ok and happy

i can't wait for you to paint me

2008-07-30T10:59:00.003+01:00

it's amazing what three days at a camp with fellow army scholars can do to one's perception of life now, and life to come.

i've never met so many like minded and dedicated officers congregating together and interacting with each other. meeting the senior commanders and generals was one thing, but looking at my peers and those who wear the same rank as i do, it was extremely inspiring and humbling knowing that there are people out there who share the same passion and sentiments. and in the span of three days and two nights, we had endless conversations that surfaced issues that were always on our minds. a platform had developed between us to share issues that worried us on one hand, but at the same time, share our experiences. i've always thought that i was passionate about my job and about what i do, but then i meet these other people who are equally, if not more passionate about their jobs too. there was an infantry officer who has a strong personal belief in sending our troops to hot zones in iraq and afghanistan, even if it meant fighting a war that wasn't ours. and the basis of such a stand is that with that combat experience, we as officers have a leverage when it comes to commanding and leading our men, that we know first hand what it means to be caught in the crossfire. meeting officers like him who believe so firmly in the importance of ground command and experience was indeed humbling. so yes, this variety of people i have met has made the whole experience so much more inspiring, knowing that there are like-minded people who share my passion and are inspired by the same things as i am. and despite being from different formations and different years, we are somehow bound by the same force that has pushed us to where we are now, a force that has fashioned our actions and thoughts.

we had a dialogue session with a retired general and he started off with saying that even till his retirement, his passion and love for the army has never ceased. the army like he stressed, is a profession and not a career. it is a profession of arms and passion is an integral component that needs to sustain the spirit of an officer in the armed forces. and often, you have skeptics who tell you that passion cannot feed you, that it does not put rice on the table. essentially, it's an imbued spirit that guides you towards this profession. it's a dedication and commitment not only towards nation building, but to the moulding of a character and spirit in the next generation. it's not very much unlike a teacher in that respect, but at the same time, there's this obligation to the defence of our country. at the end of the day, it's the passion that drives this sense of civic duty. the question now is to ask what is going to sustain this passion. and i guess having this network of friends who share a common vision and similar passion will make it easier to talk about it as the years go by, to motivate and remind yourself of how you started out. and that's what most regular officers forget or lose sight of along the way. either that, or they simply started off with the wrong mindset. the armed forces is the only national institution entrusted with the core responsibility of nation building and every participant of the organisation plays a part, it all depends on the level of commitment each person decides to put in to achieve the orgnaisational needs.

the army's wide spectrum of operations include operations other than war, humanitarian relief being one of them. we had the opportunity to engage the general who commanded and coordinated the whole military relief effort to banda aceh following the boxing day tsunami. listening to the one man who singlehandedly managed the three services in an unprecedented operation in singapore's history to help rebuild meulaboh, and it was amazing to say the least. you come to see that there is a myriad of possibilities this organisation has to offer beyond operations we have so often stereotyped it with. it is pretty reaffirming seeing what we are capable of, and the possibilities one can reach in this organisation.

so yes. my passion lies in this organisation now. but there were talks about what we're gonna do after the 4/6 years of our bond. alot depends on those years that follow our studies. and it's not a given that we will leave. undeniably, my interests lie further abroad and we're talking about international organisations like the UN, regional organisations like ASEAN, and humanitarian aid organisations. but like we were discussing over the last three days, the uncertainty pushes us to make contingency plans even as early as now. but that does not mean a lack in the commitment to my job because till the last day, i will put in all i that i have. staying on in the army after the 6 years is definitely a possibility. but at the same time, there are things i want to pursue eventually in life - to live life the way i want to, to try things that i did not dare to, to live life without the inhibitions that have locked me in.

and that's the impossibility you see with us, because of my commitment and the future that i'm bounded to. and if only you could see me for what i am now, and what we could achieve now. let the future come at us with all the fury it has because we'll never know what may come, and the strongest will believe and confront this force with steadfast hope and strength, not alone, but side by side. it always boils down to this doesn't it? because as much as my mind did not stray to you the last few days, retrospectively, seeing how i have grown makes me realise that i'll never have the uninhibited unhappiness we had before. and i'll never be able to find it because i am undeserving.

i drag my feet around

2008-07-25T06:34:00.004+01:00

i saw the flip flops on your feet.

16 kilometres is a long way to run and my legs feel like they're gonna give way soon.

singfest next week. cambodia 2 weeks after if all goes well. back in the uk in 7 weeks.

bye chew. i'll see you in a year. i'll be good, and so will you :)

i dreamt of you today

2008-07-23T11:13:00.003+01:00

and yes i did just that within the span of an hour long nap i dreamt i was next to you and we were fooling around and i was poking you at your sides we were laughing and you were attempting to tickle me and then you grabbed my hand you said to me we were touching each other like we were together then you looked me in the eye and asked me if i would like it and i said yes. you held it and never let go

i thought of the showers today.

and the ginger curls.

and perhaps all i need is a word from you. just one word to end this drought of silence that has lasted three weeks.

hope is an indulgence.

do you see what i see

2008-07-21T04:20:00.005+01:00

in the solace of solitude and in the midst of the rain, the mind brings itself back to memories that you've been trying so hard to shove back under the carpet in the last three weeks. the mind's now flashed with the walk from whitefields to westwood. the grass, the water the trees. the cars and the little pathway next to university house. there was always this anticipation and excitement of knowing what was to come at the end of that little journey. it was you, and like a little child, i held on to my ipod and walked with my face in the wind knowing that a face as warm as yours would be there to take the chill away. there's no such walk now, and no such face to yearn for. i sneak peaks at your facebook profile like a relentless stalker. and it's as if all i want now is to be part of your life again, like i was back then. i wish this holiday was like easter, because it gave me something to look forward to everyday.

pushing the mind further back, there was a time when i said i wasn't ready, and you were disappointed. and so was i. and then there was this walk under the trees, near the lake, near a bridge, and i told you how the crowns of trees fascinated me, and how amazing it was that the night sky finds its way to peek at us through the canopy even as we took shade under it, attempting to hide from the steely gaze of the night. and in that moment, we were fearless. we knew what we wanted. and we did what we thought we weren't ready for. we were fearless.

and then this tenacity went away and you went away and i was left here all alone.

fearful.

tearful.

and perhaps all this longing and pain is a knee-jerk response to a loss so sudden and so unwilling, that one may never truly recover from it. time and distance cannot do its work because the heart is stubbornly unwilling and unfaithful. in the end, it's all about faith. a faith as strong as the belief i had in you and us, to believe that time and distance will steal the pain away, so suddenly and so silently you barely notice.

the song rattles my heart as strongly as it did in yours. and i know why now.

kebabish

2008-07-13T18:19:00.004+01:00

happy days like today do not go by unnoticed, and unrecorded. hancock turned out better than expected because when two people who are made for each other get too close, their love becomes destructive and it kills them. the whole notion of distance and love needs to be deliberated in another setting when the mind's not clouded with shisha and sleep. singapore's skyline's prettier these days and walking along the bay with the esplanade in the background and the singapore river close at hand is completed with one thing - a camera in the hands of fat, but ironically, narcissistic cam whores.

and the need for reiteration - my morals are perfectly intact mind you. ha

yes my mind still drifted back to you oh so occasionally. and all i want is to hear from you soon. one word will suffice.

bang bang

2008-07-12T21:51:00.002+01:00

and so someone asked me today if i've fallen from heaven, and yes i have. i said yes, it's like when you're asleep and you dream you're falling and you jolt yourself awake. just like that, at a snap of your fingers and you're back in reality. i have fallen from heaven. many times. this time might be the hardest, but hardness and pain is relative. it was painful a month ago, it's painful now. maybe not as much, but just as deep, like a stab wound with the knife removed because the cut's there, the gash's there and nothing's in place to stopper the flow, nor is there a tourniquet to cut off the blood supply to where it hurts most. so now all that is left to do is wait for it to bleed out and clot and seal itself back.

so yes i've fallen from heaven, a jolt so hard, so sudden and so out of the blue, so undeserving, so uncalled for and so impossible, it's hard to not want to fight your way back up the ladder towards the light. there's the self-doubt and the self-depreciation to overcome, but the greatest obstacle up the rungs would still be the externalities that you have no control over. an individual and a mind.

jason mraz sums it all up again in the same song, and that explains why i'll be brought to my knees when i see him perform on 3 august.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family.
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

cambodia beckons in august as i seek enlightenment amidst the wisdom of the wise, and ruined.

grey sky morning

2008-07-11T19:05:00.004+01:00

and summer's supposed to hold our hands and sail us through this period of time of forgetting and getting grip. i'm yours by jason mraz came on the radio again last night and my mind blanked out because the last memory i had of this song was replaying it over and over again on my laptop in the library study room with annie and mie and i kept humming and daydreaming and smiling because i was that happy and that contented. it was that same day that i ventured from costies to your place after dinner, bearing a chocolate cake in hand because you were stressing out over your exams. it was the next day that things came to an end.

but i'm moving on, even if it means throwing myself into work as i did last year and allowing it to consume my very last breath. and it may mean late nights in the office and taking on extra work and duties to keep me away from thoughts about you, but that should sufficiently curb excessive thoughts and fantasies - dreams that you've told me to abandon for the better of us.

and then this song came on the radio today and i just smiled. a song from a long time ago for now.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

i'd rather find in time, together, that you were always right

september

2008-07-07T11:29:00.002+01:00

and it feels like deja vu when the cycle repeats itself, where work becomes an emotional replacement and numbs it all. it's the total selfless devotion to something when almost all is lost and you know somewhere along the way, everything else will go away. so you put it all in hoping all that was left behind, remains behind and the only way to go is forward. and forward is all we can look to, even if there's a small part of me that says it's not right at all. but it worked out fine the last time and it technically should this time round.

mind freak

2008-07-04T18:45:00.002+01:00

summer's ticking away. i'm back in camp with very little hair and quite a lot of enthusiasm and energy. you're being pushed off the edge of my mind inch by inch, but at the same time i'm still reeling you in with the littlest of faith and foolish hoping. but as undeserving as i am, as incapable as i am of asking for anything more than i should, i still remain deliriously optimistic. yet, i know that there are lines to draw now, and we can only hope that by the end of summer, we'll have the answers we want and need. a good long break's what we need now, after what was a deceptively happy and promising 3 months.

i'm already loving summer.

what can i say

2008-06-23T12:14:00.002+01:00

you keep telling yourself that you've to get over it but what do you do when you watch re-runs of grey's anatomy and they keep telling you stuff like

it's like one day you realise the fairytale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, may not be a castle. and it's not so important it's happy ever after, just that it's happy right now.

once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. the rest you've gotta take on faith. and once in a while, people may even take your breath away.

that knowing is better than wondering. that waking is better than sleeping. that even the biggest failure, the world's most inextricable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.

friends need to draw lines but they never seem to do, and it is not my will to force it on them, but sometimes, you would think that they will be sensitive to do so like everyone else, or at least to see it from my point of view that it's not so easy to keep that distance like we wanted to.

it's conflicting, it's contradicting and sometimes i just wanna shout it in your face 'do you really care?!' because i don't think you do. and then you tell me it hurts when i doubt that you care, and all i'm saying to you is that if you did care, why does it seem so otherwise? why does it feel so otherwise? it's the last week here and i'm asking for a little more than phone calls only in response to the messages i send. like i mean genuine concern and genuine intentions about finding out how i am and talking to me without me having to probe first. i don't just wanna see you on random nights out because we make such casual conversation it's distressing.

talk to me like i mean something, as you claim, and not simply as a form of courtesy and formality.

how to save a life

2008-06-22T02:13:00.004+01:00

sleeping with your jumper makes me feel like a creepy stalker.

i was avoiding you because i didn't know what to say, and i couldn't let you see the red in the eyes.

seeing you so happy with my friends left a sour and bitter, albeit ashamed, aftertaste.

i watched juno tonight for the third time ever.

juno asks her dad if it's possible for two people to stay together forever. and he says

Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.

cliched. very very cliched. and all i'm saying is that there isn't forever. there's no such thing as being with anyone for eternity. there is however, someone who's worth loving and someone who's worth sticking with. not for the commitments he has made, not for the inevitable future, but someone who takes you for what you are and what you stand for. it's not about the long-run, it's about now. more importantly, the spatial dimension matters more than the temporal. time is not the essence here, but the rawness of emotion and pure, untainted and uninhibited love.

you're the kind of person that's worth sticking with because the sun shines out of your ass no matter what you do, or say, to me.

crash

2008-06-19T03:35:00.005+01:00

daddy doesn't have it.

bang.

i'll protect you daddy.

i still sleep with your shirt. i still go to bed looking at your picture. nothing's gonna change i guess. space to save us the awkward tension. but you don't realise that i'm just holding on to the last chance we have together till summer break begins. walk out of my head and give me the space that we both need to cover up. but not now. not till summer comes and 3 months of unbearable distance and isolation will give you, and me, all the space . the thought of you with anyone else, now or in time to come, is unbearable. 4 months did feel much longer than it seemed. craig and j said they were watching aladdin tonight, all i could think of was the first night. i bought potato smilies at tesco coz they reminded me of you. queueing for the toilet at the house party 3 doors down last night reminded me of the first sight, then the first kiss. and now there's this space where you once stood and it's an empty void. these last two weeks weren't how i thought they would turn out. i just want you to walk back in, even if for a while, to tell me we're still what we used to be. you walked away to avoid the inevitable, leaving behind what was unspeakably beautiful and special. you'll never see the beautiful because you're scared of the inevitable. and i hope some day you will.

i hope some day you will.

and only because i'm a self-victimising son of a bitch, stuck in a rut where denial and disbelief reign, tainted with unforgiving tears of unwillingness and stubborn refusal. i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you. i still don't.

howl

2008-06-11T13:37:00.001+01:00

exams are over and done with.

i don't know about us.

therefore, i don't know how to be happy.

muted

2008-06-06T23:33:00.003+01:00

what i did not say.

i can't do any of this. i feel sick and everything's overwhelming. it's not just dadaism/ginsberg/william carlos williams/orwell. i can't do you and me.

i don't think you got it. i just didn't want to say it.

i think you got it. you just didn't want to say it.

the remedy

2008-06-06T15:25:00.010+01:00

i'm convinced that it's only you i want because more than anything else, i want to be there when you walk in for your first paper to shoulder the fear and trepidation that you carry with you. i want to be there when you walk out of the exam hall with nothing but a sense of relief and accomplishment - to share that moment with you. and it might not mean anything to you now, but i'm more than certain now, that that's all that i want to do now, and for a longer time to come. and i'd rather wait out our time, knowing that we've done all that we could, accomplished all that we could, loved all that we (or i) could, than give all of it up now.

i never thought i'd miss commitment.

but i do.

i guess, at the end of the day, it's a one-sided affair of wishful and hopeful thinking that complicates the whole affair.

it hurts having to see you so close, to feel your presence next to me, but know that there's no way i can reach out to touch that face and kiss those lips of yours, and then hold you so tight to relieve the constriction, the tension and the cold shiver of my insides.

but i cannot ask for more.

i need to know my place, and i need to drill it in, that i was made for nothing more than 4 months.

take it back. take it back. take it back.

i still sleep with your shirt hoping that you'll take it all back. i want you to give me the reason and purpose again to send someone a meaningless text to say how much i've been thinking of you, and to call you at night to tell you that i wished you were next to me sleeping. i want to watch aladdin with you in bed just like the first time. i want you to come over to where i am in the library to kiss me and say goodbye because that's what being us means. i want to watch scrubs with you in bed till either of us fall asleep, usually it's me. i want you to nudge me awake because i'm snoring too loudly. i think most importantly, i need you to restore the meaning to 'here is the church and here is the steeple, we sure are cute for two ugly people' and 'and if you were the ocean i'd learn to float'.

i'm waiting for texts and calls that will not come, simply because things are no longer like before.

take it back?

i'm yours

2008-06-05T10:52:00.003+01:00

then there was no more happiness and contentment and eagerness. there's no more waking up happily to a text message, a call or to the prospect of seeing you. there's no more falling asleep in your arms and watching you, no more feeling of the utterly blissful sense of contentment that that was all i needed. and then there's no more eager waiting to hear from you or to see you because there's just no reason now.

it's back to life as it was before.

you were my only friend.

and i was all prepared to do all that i could. i wanted to give up all that i wanted just to be with you, even if it meant we're heading into a future so positively uncertain. yet all i wanted was now. all i wanted was to live in the present with you and we'll take what comes our way a step at a time.

i trusted. i loved.

and at the end of the day, it was all about me and what i entailed. i was the impossibility and the uncertainty that you couldn't deal with. i'm going back to what i used to be now, because i need to know my place. that i cannot expect to deserve anything more because of this situation that makes me, me.

saying i'm yours doesn't mean anything now i guess. and that it's not going to change anything.

i need to know my place and not to expect to deserve anything more but this temporality.

maybe this is your happy news. that you're finally rid of this.

So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

obstination

2008-06-04T20:58:00.002+01:00

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

dadaism

2008-05-31T13:57:00.002+01:00

this is the worst time for this. but i think i'm ready to say that L word to you. but i'm holding back because you hold back and sometimes i don't know what that means. the fact that it's taking time means i'm certain and have been thinking about it, and it's no longer a careless word. there are so many reasons why i'm holding back that i want to tell you, but we never find the chance to talk. and when i do want to, you're withdrawn and so distant.

i must be boring company.

say something, anything.

exams

2008-05-29T19:56:00.006+01:00

studying for the exams can be a very expensive and fattening experience. hiding out in the library all day long means lunch and dinner have to be eaten out. snacking to keep yourself awake as late afternoon approaches requires an endless supply of chocolate, haribo and ribena at your disposal. all these thus incur cost and weight.

the immobility of the experience results in reduced exercise and working out in the gym, that has thus led to a major depletion and decrease in muscle mass and stamina. the only things that are growing bigger are sadly, not my muscles and pecs, but

1) anatomically, my brain size hopefully and hand from writing too much notes
2) my appetite
3) my restlessness as the days pass
4) my bank deficiency

coversely, the things that have been depreciating and diminishing appreciatively include:

1) ink in my highlighter and pens
2) sleep
3) my life
4) sex (that's meant to be a joke in this sad entry that laments the state of my life currently)

on a happier note, i got my first first on my literature in the modern world assessed essay. i just need to channel this happiness into motivation to work MORE.

content

2008-05-28T00:42:00.003+01:00

turning 21 in the midst of the exams cannot be the best thing to happen to anyone, but today, i'm no grouch because everyone made it so special, and you played the biggest role one could ever ask for. and i wouldn't want to change anything today, not even the fact that it's the exam period, because no big party with copious amounts of alcohol and crazy, inebriated celebration can make up for what made me so contented and so happy today. my 21st went by without the expected drinking and partying that is so often inextricably linked to me and it made me so much surer of what we have, and what i'm committing myself to. that was all i could ask for, right now at a pivotal turning point in life. thank you so much

(includes new shoes and a jumper)

chew and denzil. your text messages all the way from australia was well sweet, though it did cost me 30p per text to reply each of you, and that you two majorly interrupted what i told you. we're all grown up now :)

annexation

2008-05-23T02:14:00.004+01:00

all this studying is getting to my head. i am almost dangerously convinced that i could possibly be leaning towards marxist writings, but it could also be a preposterous inclination towards a theory that has been the easiest to comprehend in my revision thus far. i am easily swayed. and pro plus does wonders seeing that it has kept me much awake in the last few hours as i struggled to draw links between history and politics, and find the relevance of the triad in international history that spans to way before the nineteenth century.

that being said, i'm writing my own history now, and i don't need a bunch of irreverent and possibly irrelevant theories to explain to me how and why this is happening. because life's history cannot be explained in the words of morgenthau, rousseau or kant. this change, and this progress if i dare call it that, cannot be reduced to simplified and general rules that attempt to explain human nature or emotion. some things cannot be broken down into terms for the simple-minded to understand because they exist on a higher and much intellectual, albeit emotional, level. and instead of bringing yourself down to the lowest common denominator, life, like literature, should cater to the appreciative few. doing what i want to do now, being who i choose to be, is something that cannot be taken away because that's what i've chosen to do. that's my own free will speaking. but sometimes, being critical and honest about it can set the most determined and liberated back by miles.

i'm not a hypocrite am i?

ribena and haribo

2008-05-19T01:26:00.007+01:00

after close to 5 hours in the library and seeing that i had a late headstart and it's close to two in the morning now, i have deduced from my readings that:

the democratic peace thesis is for idiots who think that because states are "friends" and have vested interests, be it mutual or absolute gains, in each other, they won't go to war. it is a mere excuse for america to retain its status as the global hegemon in the unipolar world system and the crusading effect of liberalism is george bush's pathetic excuse for his war-mongering. liberalism WILL lead to imperialism and we are seeing it right now - in Iraq and Afghanistan.

radical liberals are a bunch of fools who believe unquestioningly in the civilizing capacity of global society, although the evolution of international humanitarian law has proven it true, the undemocratic structure of the global society makes it ineffectual and ineffective. russia needs to ratify the Optional Protocol to the Convention on the Rights of the Child and not be a hypocrite and tell other states to stop the use of child soldiers if they are not doing anything themselves.

i think i'm a realist at heart. that all of us are power and security maximisers, seeking to increase our gains in any possible way, taking on the offensive or defensive. only the state has power. transnational organizations are features that come and go, but the state's permanent. survival is definitely a precondition for the survival of the state, and the people. no military equates to no defense which equates to sitting and dying like ducks when another country attacks. self-help means we are an island, we stand by our own, and we depend on ourselves for survival.

that's everything you learn in a singapore social studies textbook. we're all brought up to be realists i guess. self-help equals to total defence and NS. survival equals equals to newater or risk no-water-in-2010. only the state has power - self explanatory. i have therefore reached the highest level of revision, by putting what i've learnt in context. now who said only the econs and accounting and finance people can do so.

wanker

2008-05-16T15:32:00.004+01:00

the art of concealment isn't an easy skill to pick up. and the question to ask here is why do we bother hiding behind false pretenses that are mere constructs of our wandering and insecure minds attempting to barricade us from confrontation. there are times when some things appear the most apparent and annoyingly obvious, but they too, are often the most ignored and neglected. humility shames you so your silence conquers.

and only because i was watching star wars with annie and the rest last night (where han solo kept calling out 'chewy') and denzil's card stares at me from my wall everytime i walk through the door, that i thought of happy times once again that beckons come summer.

this has to be one of our best shots. we're even in order.

route 2

2008-05-15T12:21:00.002+01:00

the banality of distractions and a wandering mind when you have a 3000 word essay to write. procrastination doesn't help and when it comes down to ONE day before the essay deadline and you begin writing at 4 in the afternoon, you're forced to work till 2 at night and realise you still have one paragraph and a bibliography to complete the final essay of the year. so you give up and go to bed, hoping to wake up early the next morning. which you do, at half eight in the morning. and as you wash up and prepare to head to the library to finish up the last parts of the essay in the next three hours, aiming to beat the deadline of 12 noon, you receive news that the deadline's been extended by 24 hours because of the disruptions to the internet and network this week. and you swear in every possible language you know because of the pressure that you had put yourself through and the torture of the lack of sleep.

so now i'm done with my whole essay, sitting in the library waiting for the next 24 hours to pass by, and watching you finish up your essay.

pigeon boys fly

2008-05-10T18:50:00.003+01:00

there is an artificial darkness that dims the sun. it's pulled over your eyes and the world seems less of a joy. the clouds seem grayer and heavier. the red and blue and pink and green and yellow of the flowers and fields seem duller. the stillness of the air suffocates.

and then you take your shades off and confront the sunlight in its entirety.

everything's beautiful and happy again. you see the redness of the ladybugs trawling the sidewalks. you see the shadows of rustling leaves that flicker with sunshine's that's interspersed between the blank spaces. more importantly, you've cast aside an obligation - an obligation to sensibility to shade your eyes from the sunshine that blinds. the irony because it is the glaring sun that brings sight, and insight.

my shades now lie in a corner, split half down the middle in perfect symmetry. you'll be my sunshine then.

waxing lyrical

2008-05-10T13:20:00.005+01:00

some things don't ever change i guess.
all the insecurities.
i think i bore you.
i think i'm not good enough.
i also think i'm becoming like her.

and then the spoken word fails me.

but you'll never get it will you?

billabong

2008-05-09T14:55:00.002+01:00

this warmth and sun in spring is amazingly and cunningly deceptive. it tempts you away from the work and the essays and the studying, and lures you outdoors to barbeques and picnics that entails food and more food. and of course there's alcohol in the form of pimm's and lemonade and at 5 in the evening, everyone's just gathered outside on blankets with grilled sausages and burgers and lamb chops and chicken wings. work's been cast aside and it dawns on you that it's only thursday and exams are slightly less than a month away. and the fun doesn't stop there. a house party is soon under way and as we sit around the living room with alcohol in hand playing lame drinking games and dancing to whatever comes on over craig's speakers, we realise it's only a lil over 9 p.m and it's still bright outside. collapsing in bed at 3 in the morning signals the end of the day when we all caved in and gave in to the darkness, of not only the temporary night, but to the darkness of the misleading and fallacious daytime.

everyone's complaining that the sun's out at the worst time, because no one can bring themselves to stay indoors, locked away from the sun and doing work. my literature essay's completed and there's this dastardly research methods in politics essay to get through before i can finally get down to proper studying.

happy 21st chew chew!

amputations

2008-05-07T17:11:00.002+01:00

success is when you complete your essay and write over 2000 words in slightly under 4 hours. failure is when you realise that the word limit isn't 2500 words like you imagined it to be, and instead it's 2000. so you stare at a perfect essay with a word count of 2694 words and wonder what you're gonna do with the excess words. shaving off half a paragraph didn't exactly help seeing that it's now 2622 words. given the +/- 10% percent to the word count, i've exactly 422 to chop away from a seemingly good essay that i'm extremely satisfied with.

happiness doesn't come easily, especially since after this literature essay, there's a politics one that just doesn't seem to interest me at all. i've checked and reconfirmed that the word limit for that essay's 3000 words. other devastating news include me not being able to do arabic next year because i wanted to take it at the beginners level and the department requires me to take it at the intermediate level for it to count towards my final honours degree. so this sucks and it means i'm stuck with 4 politics modules next year. at least this year i had literature in the modern world to take my mind away from the practicality of politics. to top it off, there's the ballot that i've to survive to get the two ideal optional politics modules that i want - international security and politics of developing areas. politics of the usa would be a consolation but anything other than these three would be depressing to say the least.

it's hot these days and i'm watching people get sunburnt and red in front of me while i laugh at them and i enjoy the wonders of the sun on my skin. i could go back to singapore tanner than i left. that would be a miracle, but i'm in need of a greater miracle now - i need to chop words off my essay. it's like deciding to chop off a leg or an arm. what to keep and what to discard because i want all of it.

wikimania

2008-05-06T22:18:00.002+01:00

and only because the sun's been up these days, that i've had the excuse to go out with an ice cream cone in hand and sit at the piazza watching people and letting brenda drip her melted ice cream onto my bare legs. shorts and shades have become the latest trend in school and blankets sprawled across the acres upon acres of grass is a commonality. i broke out in sweat walking across campus in a polo shirt and jeans. and because my essay's stuck in limbo at 695 words and i'm on my first glass of wine waiting for maddie to get dressed and made up, wikipedia has become a source of companionship as i blast lupe fiasco in the background. try reading up on singlish on the wiki and i bet you'll come across stuff you've taken for granted. like aparently there's an east coast/katong/siglap accent. really? and 'siah' is like the combination of the hokkien word 'si' (die) and 'ah' (an exclamation). really? oh and the best definition ever,

Kena is used as an auxiliary to mark the passive voice, in addition to "to be" and "to get". It is derived from a Malay word that means "to encounter or to come into physical contact", and is only used with objects that have a negative effect or connotation. It is interesting to note that verbs after kena may appear in the infinitive form (i.e. without tense) or as a past participle.

kena is also not used with positive things like 'ranon kena 4D'. it may be greeted with a confused reply 'but strike 4D good what', which is singlish too.

when the context is given, kena can be used without a verb. 'you better start writing your essay, or later you kena'

using another auxiliary verb with kena is perfectly acceptable too. 'you better start writing your essay, or later you will kena'

i bet you didn't know what an auxiliary verb was. and that kena could be used so specifically.

using singlish will kena tekan one,

i love wikipedia.

you do not fight for your country.

2008-05-03T00:12:00.001+01:00

if every day was like today, then every day would be a happier and much anticipated one. it was a day of absolute perfection, a day that no one could do wrong. and everything fell in place perfectly and beautifully. dinner and black watch at the theatre and then drinks at the grad. i've never been happier at warwick and when i say everything changed when you came along, it was a change for the better for most parts of it. i'm stripped and laid bare now because i know i made a right step forward and i've nothing to my name except this that we hold dear in between us. so take me with you.

take me with you - secondhand serenade

corlan pellets

2008-05-01T05:35:00.000+01:00

the modules fair today wasn't exactly a fair. sitting in a lecture theatre with students packed in and listening to the module directors come up one after another giving an introduction to the different second year modules isn't my idea of a fair. but choices were made in that hour there as i sat listening, deciding, planning. there was one professor though who stood out, not because he was director of 3 modules - politics and policy, politics in the uk and french politics, but because he was visually handicapped. and at the risk of sounding rude and extremely ignorant here, but one of the first things he said to us was something about an incident that happened when he was marking one of his students essays, and the first and most immediate thought that struck my head was how does he do it? mark them that is. we agreed that he either had a secretary who manually reads out the essays to him, or he has his students send him online copies and he runs them through a computer programme that provides an audio reading of the essay. i pity the secretary if it was a ten thousand words essay. yet i was utterly impressed with this man, his strength and his confidence. i mean he's taking three modules after all and that's three times as much of working hours! he hasn't allowed his disability to get to him and he's making full use of his life and it's unquestioningly respectable. it would be daunting to have lectures and seminars with him, especially since he has specified that for 2 of the modules, each seminar group will be made up of 3 people only. but yes, it would be interesting working with him. if only i had that bit of interest in at least one of the three modules. haha

i've more or less settled for international security. the first term next year is dedicated to the study of war! who wouldn't want that :) my heart's swayed towards arabic for beginners as my second optional module but there's the whole issue about taking another module from outside the department and there's the whole red tape (the irony seeing its the politics faculty) to get through. if all fails, politics of developing areas doesn't seem too bad either. it's still a ballot system so hopefully i get my first choice.

this plastered a smile on my face as it fell out from the pages of my notebook. hopefully this smile metamorphoses into a driving force to get me down to my last 2 essays and revision. an 80 pence book fine awaits my stubborn refusal to be recalled. haha

corsodyl

2008-04-29T02:20:00.000+01:00

there are so many things i have to say to you about you and about us. but i don't know how to say them.

the god of small things

2008-04-26T17:30:00.000+01:00

the weak and frail body is a contradiction. when your body's hot to the touch as a radiator would be, the inside of you is trembling and cold and all you wanna do is to just stay in bed, under the sheets and not move a muscle. you lose all appetite and throwing noodles away after boiling them and not eating them must be a terrible sin. and having haagen dazs ice cream the moment you wake up can but only be greed (and the unconscious desire to do justice to the sale it's having now). so yes, kiwis and tropicana essentials multivitamins drink shall be my lonely companions these 3 days you're not around.

the thousand sordid images

2008-04-23T22:15:00.000+01:00

the amplification of one's inner emotions that is paralleled against the external environment is sometimes known as the pathetic fallacy. the sun's up and we're taking to the fields and lazing about in the spring sunshine yet an inner contradiction within threatens to drain the life out of you. and when things end up unresolved and left hanging, you feel like a stranger under the sheets, waiting for sleep to take over while your eyes watch that familiar face, your fingers tracing its contours, and it lingers for a tender moment, before you draw your hand away knowing that it's not getting through. the pathetic fallacy cannot hold ground here now.

you don't know what i need now and that scares me.

and it's as though the bluest sky, the darkest night and the yellowest daffodil had settled in your eyes. so keep looking and keep staring because i keep falling into it.

bright lights

2008-04-22T03:25:00.000+01:00

the time's half past seven in the evening now and the sky outside's as bright as day. and daylight hours are supposedly gonna last longer and longer as summer approaches, till it reaches the point when the sun still refuses to set at 9 at night. and it's precisely this light that refuses to go away, that makes eating dinner when the sun's still up so weird. and drinking alcohol to prepare for a night out doesn't actually seem right because, i mean, only alcoholics pick up their bottles in the day time. the time will come when queueing to get into a club here will mean standing outside in the sun waiting for your turn and it therefore gives you more reason to dress up because whoever said 'no one can see you inside the club because it's too dark' obviously hasn't been to the uk yet. this brightness is just unnerving.

all i want is you

2008-04-21T03:19:00.000+01:00

only because i have you here, that this unbearable cold spring weather seems sensible, and the daylight that persists till 8.30 in the evening seems to be normal. sharing the same blanket takes it all away and puts everything in its right place, except my heart that has found its way into your possession. uncertainty can be a disease like this damn cold that's been plaguing this body of mine, and hopefully with the right amount of strength i put into blowing it out and extricating the mucus from its nasal nestling place, it'll fade away into the darkness that descends at 9 at night these days.

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and greeen
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, let the cold winds blow

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

when we were young

2008-04-19T09:18:00.000+01:00

because i have packed and my luggage feels as heavy as my face, i've decided that i'm not gonna sleep tonight seeing that i've to be up in 5 hours. and because i feel like being the good son that i haven't been these last few weeks, i've put myself out there and told my parents to stay home tomorrow morning coz it's too early to be up and about and therefore, i'll send myself off. but then dingwen offers his hospitality as an easterner and decides that because changi airport falls within the jurisdiction of 'the east', he has valiantly proposed breakfast together before i zip off. so yes, no person with an hour of free time on his hands will reject such generosity.

and because the bunnies have left and the easter holidays are coming to an end, there comes a need to stop and recount all that has happened in the last 4 weeks since i arrived in this sweltering heat that threatened to melt my chocolate eggs. but no words seem to cross my mind at this point in time. yet i think it can all be summed up quite simply but again, vocabulary fails me and the only profound word to accurate describe it is humility.

i've been humbled by the friends i have here. they've taught me how to be a friend to someone they do care about. and i thank them for choosing me, for choosing the companionship of my reckless and senseless actions, and for choosing to listen to my endless rhetoric that very often do not make sense. and there are the silly ones who willingly allow themselves to be subjected to my self-delusional belief that i know the roads of singapore well enough to get me home from anywhere. i've clearly proven a few of them right. i cannot conclusively say how they've touched and moved me, because they've done so in many ways, and when one feels greatly appreciated, humility steps in because the realisation that you matter that much to these people can indeed put lotsa things in perspective. so you take a step back and reassess what you have and when it dawns on you they're all you've got, you're humbled by the unconditional faith and trust they've invested in you.

thank you

groupies again

2008-04-17T11:54:00.000+01:00

american idol ended for me during the heydays of kelly clarkson and clay aiken and reuben studdard (whatever became of him afterwards), and maybe even carrie underwood. no one else really got that far as best as my memory serves me, or maybe i really couldn't be bothered after the whole franchise became so disengaging. but watching an episode of its latest season on tv tonight, keeping in mind the harsh reality that i wasn't at mambo, i was blown away. who turns mariah carey's ditzy cringe-inducing whiny voice in the horrible horrible pop song disaster 'always be my baby' into a rock sensation?!

wow. a very veritable performance indeed.

hamburgers without the buns

2008-04-17T06:34:00.000+01:00

wrist slashers come in many forms. and there are those who are circumstantially forced to stay home and wallow in self-misery at the dearth of friends and company who would normally join you in square rooms, mimicking the dancing queen. blame the exams and blame the cruel necessity and practicality of part-time jobs. so on the last wednesday night back home in singapore, i will ponder about life, not in the soothing cold of summer rain thinking that heaven is a place (called zouk) on earth, but rather, figure out life in the last 4 weeks at the onset of the ridiculously long journey back to warwick. and there is no way to condense my thoughts into paragraphs that accurately and effectively capture my appreciation to those who have made an effort to catch me live in singapore, and in particular people who have accommodated my whims and sometimes demanding requests to mambo. so yes, for all the mahjong sessions and lunches and dinners and suppers and mambo, i'm going back in three days a much loved, much satisfied person.

munchies attack at weirdest time. like NOW.

tyranny of the majority

2008-04-16T10:29:00.000+01:00

there are times when people over-promise. then these people continuously fail to deliver. and it reaches the point when you realise you no longer giver a fuck. so fuck.

it's 4 days and counting. sometimes it feels like you're fighting and struggling to hold on to something that has been within reach for the longest time. now there's almost an emptiness and you're just wrestling in the dark for something or someone to hold on to. so right now i'm just floating along and being passed down the line waiting for handouts. the irony, when you feel more at ease away from home.

just 4 days to home.

celebrating the aircon and southern comfort

2008-04-13T10:30:00.000+01:00

it's times like these you learn to live again
it's times like these you give and give again
it's times like these you learn to love again
it's times like these time and time again

and you know that some things never change. that people may grow apart when we all tread different and sometimes conflicting paths to pursue our diverse futures, moving away from that shared experience, away for the common faith that held us together when we were in school and in the army. yet at the end of the day, we all find our way back to each other because that was how it all started. that was how it all began. when you and i were young and unworldly where we stumbled through life not knowing where we were headed, only to find ourselves slowly growing up and stepping into the real world. we come to see life as an adult intimidating and the responsibilities immense, but we know that that we'll always have something to fall back upon, no matter how disagreeing our realities may be. we grew up together. we fought together. and that defines who we become. we shared the most defining moments in our lives. and we may be scattered all over the 750 square kilometres of land that is singapore, or even all about the world. new people may come along but one thing binds us as friends and it never changes, is that same vein of experience that runs through all of us.

i learnt to live and give and love today.

bullet and a target

2008-04-10T23:34:00.000+01:00

and when all was going well last night, i was cornered against the wall, like the hunter and its prey, where i was but anything with a shotgun in hand. questions were fielded in the most awkward of positions and it was when i realised that i felt nothing within me, no hatred, no anger, that i figured i had truly moved on. i mean, she was there physically right before me, but unlike before when i would choose to avoid contact or conversation with her, i was ok with just being around her and entertaining her. and soon she had become another mere figure in the crowds of zouk - distant and foreign. she was just another girl in a club and i was just a guy in club. and when her attentions shifted back to the guy she was with, her best friend stepped in and this i was willing to accept because she was always someone i could talk to. and there she was trying to convince me that x wasn't over me and that even after more than a year her feelings didn't go away. so i told her to turn around to watch x and the guy make out in front of me and she tried even harder to convince me that it was her way of moving on. and then again, i realised, that nothing in me was fanned or inflamed by what i had witnessed. perhaps a year before i would have been greatly disturbed and unsettled, but right now, i felt nothing. again, she was a stranger in a club dancing next to us making out with some random person. she had become a commonality in the club, her actions were nothing out of the ordinary. she had blended into the scene entirely and i would not have picked it out as something that stood out because it was a common occurrence played out all over the club.

so yes, i've moved on. and going to warwick hasn't made me atas. in fact, it's made me grounded and aware of who i am, and what i really want.

you're looking fly

2008-04-07T08:38:00.000+01:00

conversations can be redundant at times. the end of a conversation merely marks the appreciation of each other's presence. words need not be exchanged to express an exact account of how you feel. it's the wordlessness that matters the most sometimes. hearing and feeling something out of nothing speaks volumes. knowing that you're able to feel how i feel, to detect what i hide tells me that the step i took 9 weeks ago was the wisest i've taken in recent years. thank you.

shopping today shipwrecked me totally on river island.

treble clef

2008-04-06T10:28:00.000+01:00

thinking ahead and envisioning what may come to be in the future can be one of the most intimidating and heartwrenching activities a human mind may choose to participate in subconsciously at any point in time. it's scary to think of how fast my first year in uni is almost coming to an end. with the passing of the easter holidays, it brings me a step closer to not only the exams, but towards the prospect of being away from warwick for three months in summer. the inevitability pursues the reluctant mind so relentlessly, latching itself to your back and refusing to jump off, causing a stir and an assault of emotions so powerful it rocks the very ground beneath your feet.

i can think of so many things that makes leaving so difficult. what's 5 weeks in comparison to three months. the emotional baggage and attachment provides the strongest force that's holding me back. and i'm not denying the existence of anyone or anything at home here in singapore, but warwick has opened up what has been held back. it's given me the space and the liberty to pursue ideas and alternatives that were contained within before. and even amidst this newfound intellectual and emotional free space, there has never been a lack of support and faith. they took you by your hand, paving an entirely surreal world before your feet, and as you took calculated footsteps, uncertain and very wary of its potential repercussions, they accompanied you down its path with absolute trust and care, not judging and with an unmistakable partiality. it's given me an identity, and it's given me a world to live in, a life to live. so yes, forgive me if i cannot bear to transplant myself from a foreign land to home, because there just is too much at stake, and too much to put aside for that 3 months.

you were a force to reckon with. i should have known that taking that step forward would ensnare even the bravest soul. but i did, and you conquered. i'm trapped in you and there's no way out, not that i want to. it's just unsettling sometimes.

unsettling.

apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur

2008-04-04T07:57:00.000+01:00

and as much as i wanted some r&b ass-shaking action in phuture last night, bobbing along to low and tambourine, the queue was hardly encouraging and we ended up at mambo, which was excellent as usual. i mean, no matter how old the songs are, and how cheesy the moves may get, it cannot be denied that everyone has fun at mambo. it's the hyped up energy, the bubbly and spontaneous air that seeps out of zouk. mambo's one of those places where you just let it all go and lose yourself to the unbelievable tunes of the 80s and 90s.

and on the cab home, there came this insatiable craving for carl junior's portobello mushroom burger. so i texted cass and told her to give me a wake up call if she wanted to lunch together today. and so the ringing of my phone at 12 in the afternoon woke me up as i dragged my ass out of the house. it was drama over lunch as some guy like hit his fist on the table and threw his cup of coke into his girlfriend's face. i was sitting behind her so i had like coke over my back too. asshole. and he stormed off, leaving her all alone. she looked so helpless while everyone just stared. and she left quietly and solemnly, like a defeated and beaten soldier. sent my camera for repairs and it's costing me 221 bucks! freaking hell. my stupid mistake, big price to pay. damn. window shopped coz we were broke and made a list of things to buy. haha.

cass and i realised how much we missed chewy. that fat boy was the one you could turn to when you feel like clubbing on a whim, or doing anything else like go for dinner or drinks. he's also the one who actually bothers to reply to my quite often brainless texts about things i see, like gross couples making out on the train. he's the one who drags you home when you're half-naked with puke all over you and shows your mum your half-exposed butt. he's definitely the one to cab home with after mambo and you listen to him whine about his broken heart and half-heartedly entertain the taxi-driver who asks the obvious question in chinese - 'eh you friend's out of love ah?' and in your mind you go 'DUH'. so yes. come back soon chew chew and i will show you my new idol, the new-age mambo king :)

pink blouses and red bras

2008-04-02T13:58:00.000+01:00

that probably helped cass win at mahjong today. the guys ALL lost and she was the overall winner. had to be the bra and blouse. andre gamely sent james and i to woodlands after much persuasion, although i think the big electronic traffic sign sealed the deal seeing that it said it would only take 9 minutes to get from his place to woodlands. bet it felt much longer after we got lost due to my incompetence and inability to navigate the roads in the neighbourhood. in fact, it definitely took much longer than 9 minutes. haha.

it's been slightly over a year since life with x came to an abrupt halt. and there wasn't once in the last 14 months that i believed that i could do what i am doing now. faith spelt impossibility and no strength could be surmounted from within to re-open what was forcibly clamped shut. and for months there was a struggle to regain a confidence that had been toppled, and to tear down the wall that sprung up as a defence mechanism. no one came close. not even myself. and along came the unlikeliest of persons, in the newest of times, in the most unknown of worlds. it backfires at times when the insecurities and fears step in and it hurts the other person, but it's an uncontrollable emotion seeing that the body and mind's been trained to react as such. i've taken the hugest step i've ever taken and in doing so, everything's been let go of, but it's still masked by the thinnest and least translucent of veils. tearing it down brings me closer to the ground, closer to the crushing possibility of failure. so forgive me if i subconsciously take a step back, or i trip and fall. i will stand up, even if it means being swallowed by the earth all over again because this time, i know it's worth it.

new york cheesecakes

2008-04-01T11:40:00.000+01:00

the skype jingle that goes off when someone comes online and instant messages you has to be the second best sound on earth after your voice. off to slumberland i go now where you and i shall sit together and laugh at random things, going 'uh huh' and then laughing at each other for that.

uh huh.

:)

7 hours

2008-04-01T08:24:00.000+01:00

is it possible that after a week, one can still be suffering from jetlag? i mean, taking into account the fact that i've been going to bed at 2 a.m these days and not being able to sleep till 7 or 8 the next morning, i basically spend the rest of the day sleeping. take today for example, i finally got to bed around 11 in the morning and only woke up at 5 p.m to go meet wei liang and jet for dinner. maybe the mind's preoccupied with the what-ifs and the constant conjuring up of the different possibilities a mistake can be made, or how one reacts to failure and the acceptance of the undeniable truth. there are no grounds or basis for these disturbances, and all it points to is a weakness. my extreme weakness, of having once been robbed of faith and trust.

sometimes i wonder if i'm gonna be any good at my job. i mean people have been through the same system and they know what to expect of an officer. it's my career now, and there are times when you know that you are being judged by others about your capabilities and commitment. people who have left the army move on to fields not known to others, and it's a time of experimentation as they seek to secure a foothold somewhere in society. i'm stuck doing what they have done before, perhaps it's on a slightly higher level, but certain things do not change. the character and qualities of being an officer cannot be compromised, and it never changes throughout the years. so it's easier for them to judge you because they know what you can, and what you are supposed to do. so look beyond my hair and my eyebrow piercing and my tattoo, because i'm still me no matter what, and that the officer creed and values are still deeply imbued in me and nothing will compromise that.

fire and movement

2008-03-30T02:05:00.000+01:00

and in my dream i was fighting a war in the backyards of my house. my family had left by the front door oblivious, and i stepped out into the back and the war was developing itself before me. i was in my uniform all of a sudden. the sar21 felt so real in my hands. i found loaded magazines in my webbing. we hid behind pillars and fired at enemies who drove by on trucks. they were exposed and so were we. i recognised familiar faces amongst both hostile and friendly troops. the trucks continued going by and we fired incessantly. non of the trucks stopped to confront us. i remember having to remedy IAs countless times. i remember making a mental note to clean my rifle properly should i get the chance. mortar shells were going off about me and cars were burning everywhere.

we were no longer fighting to win. we were fighting to survive in this revolution. a revolution that marked a shift in the balance of power where lines are drawn that indicate your allegiance.

i'm fighting a war with myself everyday. my enemies are unclear and they assume no fixed identity. i think i'm fighting myself most of the time. and in every war you need faith. faith in your comrades, and more importantly, faith in yourself. i'm losing the war then i guess, having no faith in neither you nor me. shrapnel's flying and the smell of gunpowder and singed flesh tingle my nose. my stomach lurges when you turn around, point your rifle at my head, and shoot me point-blank, giving me no opportunity to retaliate. and that's when blood, tears and flesh become a part of the earth that you tread on.

zapatista

2008-03-29T11:15:00.000Z

it's half past three and i'm home from zouk, music wasn't exactly the best i've heard these days, and the crowd wasn't as spectacular as before. and they have retarded rules these days. claud and i went to the toilet and we ended up having to queue up from outside. munchies got to us so we bought a chilli dog which was actually very good, and whilst queueing, gave up because the music was already boring us inside before we went to pee and so we headed to farasha for our long awaited mushroom and cheese prata. excellent shit as usual.

and now there's this unsettling feeling in the pits of my stomach and i feel it churning. the last time i felt the same way, my sixth sense proved me right and it was a devastating truth to confront. words of reassurance fail to take effect and all my mind's preoccupied with this disturbance. and all i can do is head to bed with all the uncertainty looming overhead, and believe in the words you've promised, that we should not over-worry and risk losing all that we have. so i'm praying and hoping that i won't have to wake to news that may disappoint.

anyone else

2008-03-29T03:39:00.000Z

but you. juno has to be the best film i've seen in ages. it helped that i caught it in the comforts of the a380. someone told me the film made her wanna be pregnant. haha ellen page has to be the cutest dot alive too. oh and the hamburger phone too.

like i said, bestest film yet :)

realpolitiks

2008-03-28T08:12:00.000Z

mambo last night was possibly the bestest night out i had in the longest period of time. excellent music, excellent people, excellent fun. it's a satisfaction satisfied with such happy happiness. ah summer rain and love in the first degree and dying inside to hold you and square rooms and together forever. such geeks we are. dig it chew!

dinner at changi village today with people from 36. food was good as usual. caught up with the latest developments in the unit and all the politics as usual.

i really need to get down to revising for the exams.

22 days to go.